Learning from people

I have posted before about the benefits of encountering things outside our normal experience (try something new, selective reasoning, who needs conflict). This morning I was thinking about people like that.

We all are inclined toward hanging out with people like us. Others who think like us, look like us, act like us, believe like us. As a result, there is always a huge swath of humanity out there, even in our own neighborhoods and cities, that we never spend time with. They are still around, though, on TV or at the grocery store, so our minds are forced to put some sort of characterization on them. One of the defining elements of mankind is that such characterizations (stereotypes) are rarely complimentary.

Unbelievers are fools. Believers are kooks. Gays are freaks. The poor are lazy. Blacks are criminals. Whites are racist. Frenchmen are cowards. Communists are evil. Conservatives are Nazis. Liberals are communists.

The list goes on, and on, and on.

Yet many of us have met at least one person from a group that is not ours. Someone who dresses differently and talks differently and believes differently. Nearly always, we are surprised at some level about how...normal that person is. It turns out that very few people are actually fools, kooks, freaks, or criminals. Most everyone is actually pretty normal.

So I want to encourage us all (myself especially) to do a few things.

1. Meet someone not like us. Have lunch, talk, listen. Intentionally expose ourselves to others.
2. Use that person to change our perception of the group. It is tempting, after meeting someone who challenges our stereotypes, to assume that they are the exception. That is possible, but it is not likely. More likely, our stereotype is wrong, and we need to allow that to change.
3. Remember that each individual does not represent the group. After changing our perception of the group based on the new person, keep in mind that the next new person we meet will change it some more. Keep group perceptions fluid (we will never eliminate them completely).
   

Book learning is one of my favorite kinds, but people learning is way more powerful, important, and hard.. Try it and let me know what you learn.

People vs. Titles

In the midst of the giant reorganization at work, I have been thinking about the difference between people and titles. Specifically, the fact that in large organizations, titles are expected to do work. That is, I (David) am not asked to do something, I (Process Engineer) am asked to do something.

Who cares? I do. I am expected to do things because I hold the title of "Process Engineer", not because I want to do them, or am even able to do them. As a result, we have a bloated system of competency tracking and development that defines what the person holding the title should be able to actually do. After all, it is the person who does the actual work, not their title.

Unfortunately, this puts everyone in a bind. A large organization needs defined roles with titles to prevent chaos, but rarely does a job description fit an individual's strengths and desires perfectly. So we are forced to fit square pegs in round holes, or at best elliptical pegs in round holes.

The take-home message? Beware titles. Remember that when you ask for work, an individual will do it, not a title. When you are doing work, remember that others are usually just looking at your title, not you as an individual (unless they're reading this blog). Overall, keep in mind that you work with people, not titles

My kids are better than yours (aka - Your kids are better than mine)

Parenting can be brutal. With young kids (which is what I have experience with), the emotional and physical drain is greater than I would have ever imagined. Egos seem particularly vulnerable. When I see other kids, it is easy to see how much better behaved they are, how much more put-together their parents are, how much cooler gear they have, how much more fun they are all having. I am humbled by how easy life is for them and how I must be incompetent to be having such a hard day/week/month.

When I think this way, though, I have to consciously remind myself of reality. Any little snapshot of anyone's life generally looks prettier than the whole of the reality. Other parents are probably looking at my kids and thinking similar thoughts because they do not, and cannot, see my whole picture any more than I can see theirs.

So I want to encourage myself and other parents out there. My kids are not really better than yours, any more than yours are better than mine. My kids are mine. I love them and do the best I can to parent them and we are going to be OK. Stop stressing about other families and love your kids. That's all we can do.

Crushing Blows

Sometimes we are crushed. Our spouse, our boss, our kid, our friend says something that kicks us in the gut, knocks the wind out of our sails and puts us down for the count. With or without the metaphors, it sucks.

I experienced one of those blows recently at work. Hopes and aspirations that had been building for days were crushed in a four minute telephone conversation. It took me a few hours, but I recovered by remembering a couple things.

1. It wasn't personal. Nothing was said that was insulting or degrading, just disappointing. Sometimes it is personal, but usually when we are crushed, it has more to do with our perception and less to do with the other person really having it out for us. Moving the conversation away from the personal helps soften the blow.
2. It was helpful. The guy on the other end of the phone line had perspective I did not have. His apparent crushing of my dream (albeit one that had only formed recently) was simply a preemption of later disappointment that would follow significantly more work. 

Not all of our disappointments can be salved by these two things, but for me, a surprising number are. Maybe they can be helpful for you as well.