Grand Adventures in Fatherhood

I have big dreams. Laying in bed, I dream about quitting my job and hiking the Appalachian Trail. I dream about running marathons...no, make that ultramarathons. I dream of taking a trip around the world, or just a month-long backpack through Australia. I dream of writing a book and starting a business and becoming a master cabinetmaker. The world is full of grand adventures, just waiting for me to get out of bed and get started.

Then my 18-month-old son wakes up crying. He wakes up his twin sister, and they start a chorus. So I climb out of bed, fill sippy cups with milk, and try to wake up before their 2.5-year-old brother gets out of bed. Soon enough, the volume level in the house increases ten-fold and I am reading Who Says Woof for the 10th time in a row while dreams of grand adventures fade quickly into the background.

Daily life with three kids under three can quickly become monotonous. They fight...again. They make up and play sweetly together...again. They yell, they eat, they throw food, they throw toys, we read board books...again. The dreams of a grand adventure grow bigger while the reality seems further and further away.

But does it have to be this way? Is fatherhood incompatible with the grand adventures of life? Of course not. Grand adventures are there, they just take a little more work. Here's how to make them happen.

1. No excuses.
   When my second and third kids were born, my wife and I made a commitment that our kids would not be an excuse. Having toddlers does not excuse me from exercising, reading, blogging, traveling, or anything else. Never use your kids as an excuse to withdraw from the world or to postpone your dreams. By making excuses, we make our kids responsible for our lives, and it's not their problem. You are still the one responsible for you, and having kids does not change that.
2. Get real.
   At the same time, we're responsible for them now, too. We have to be honest. Do you know who you are, who your wife is, who your kids are? Do you know energy levels, abilities to endure change, or physical requirements? Having three kids is different than having one. Having a 2-year-old is different than having a 12-year-old. A child with Down's Syndrome has different challenges than one with autism. You have to know the real boundaries in your life.
3. Keep dreaming.
   The one thing that kids never do is prevent us from dreaming. In fact, they can expand the dreams. Now I not only dream of running a marathon, I dream of running a marathon with a triple-stroller. I dream not just of re-learning to play the piano, but of playing a duet with my son. Keep dreaming and imagining the greatest life possible for you and your family.
4. Focus.
   Dreams are fun. Dreams lived out are even more fun. The trouble is, even without kids, trying to live all our dreams is a recipe for frustration. There is simply not enough time/money/energy to do them all. So focus. Pick one that you will commit to making happen. By taking the dreams one at a time, you can bring everything you have to bear on it and make it happen.
   
5. Be creative.
   Once you have the dream and a realistic view of the world, it's time to get creative. How can they fit together? How can you find time to read? Where will the money for plane tickets come from? How can you build that sleigh bed without risking your 3-year-old's fingers in the table saw? You have defined a problem clearly and have committed to not making excuses. There is a solution. It just requires some creativity to find it.
   
6. Recruit help.
   If you can achieve your dream on your own, then it's not a very big one. Small dreams are fine, but if you're dreaming big, you're going to need some help. The first person to recruit is your wife. If she isn't on your side, there are other blogs you should be reading. If your kids are old enough, recruit them. Look for other dads, in real life and online. Look for people who can support you physically (babysitting), emotionally (encouraging your dream), and mentally (helping brainstorm solutions). If you go it alone, you will likely fail. If you recruit help, you increase the chances of living the dream, and strengthen relationships along the way.
7. Go.
   The last step is the hardest. You just have to do it. You have to buy the tickets, leave the house, and get on the plane with all three kids. All the dreaming and planning is meaningless until you go, take action, and live the dream.

Finally, there is a mental shift that happens. Men, in particular, are wired for big things, action things. We want to build, move, take action and have an impact. Our dreams tend in those directions. Fatherhood changes the game a little, though. Rocking a newborn to sleep at 3 in the morning is not bold. Listening to a 6-year-old's piano recital is not dramatic. Picking a 12-year-old up from school does not make the news.

This is where the shift happens, though. My son's excitement to see the elephant's bath at the zoo, my daughter's squealing when I come home after work, or my kids spontaneously saying "I love you" does things in my heart that no other dream can ever do. Fatherhood is the grandest of grand adventures. As you take action to make your other dreams happen, remember that simply being "Dad" is the greatest dream of all.

Now go and live it.

(Photo credit to jbrindes)

Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters

I just finished Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Meg Meeker (as an aside, I love starting and finishing a book so fast that it doesn't make it onto the sidebar list). I was pretty underwhelmed by the writing. It seemed a little random and disjointed, without a particularly coherent flow throughout.

That said, it still brought tears to my eyes a number of times. Not because of the powerful writing, but simply because she talks about the dangers my daughter will face as she grows up in the world. It made me want to lock her in her room and let her out when she's 25...maybe.

The book comes down to one message. A girl's dad is the primary force for good in her life, standing between her and the negative influence of the world (peers, media, her own emotions, etc.). Fathers abdicate that responsibility not at their own peril, but at hers.

Sobering stuff. I would recommend it to any dad with a daughter. The book is an excellent and humbling reminder of the power of fatherhood. I would also be curious to hear from women about the influence of your fathers. Does Meeker overplay a dad's importance? Or would you agree with her?

Coming Home Late

Last night I came home late from work. About two hours later than usual. When I walked through the door, the kids were done with their baths, pajamas were on, and 2/3 were on their way toward bed. I hugged them, kissed, them, laid them down, and walked out of their room. Then it hit me.

I was five minutes away from not seeing two of my kids at all today.

If I had delayed leaving work just five minutes, if there had been just a little more traffic, then it would not have mattered to them if I was in Africa...our day would not have involved each other at all. It kind of scared me.

It turns out that I am more fortunate than I thought to get to see my kids for a couple hours every evening. For those of you who miss that involuntarily, I am so sorry. For those that miss it voluntarily, I pity you. You are missing out on the whole point of having kids...your kids.

When I get home tonight, there will be screaming. There will be laughing. There will be fighting and playing and lots of noise. Some nights it is all a little overwhelming. At least tonight, though, I am going to love it.

Emotional Control

The New York Times recently published an article about yelling at your kids that I discovered through a couple blogs that I follow (Nathan's and Digital Dads). It opens up a nice debate about various forms of discipline, but that is not exactly what it got me thinking about.

I started thinking about why we discipline. There are lots of good reasons, and lots of bad ones. One of the reasons in between is to "control" our children. I think it is good that parents have accountability for what their kids do in public. I do not think it is good if parents expect their kids to be perfectly responsive robots.

In the end, though, we cannot control our children. Like it or not, they are independent (and often willful) individuals. We can intimidate, encourage, coerce, bribe, threaten, punish, and cajole, but never control. In fact, the only thing we can control is...us.

So that brings me back to the question of discipline methods. I am averse (not immune) to yelling not because it is ineffective, but because it demonstrates a loss of emotional control. Spanking is arguably legitimate discipline...if used in an emotionally controlled environment. Uncontrolled emotional spanking is little different than plain physical abuse.

I think that the key to effective discipline is not the method, but the source. It is ok to feel emotions. It is not ok to let the emotions control me. If I am controlling my emotions, discipline will work. If my kids are controlling my emotions, and my emotions are controlling me, discipline fails.

This is my thinking based on 2 years of fatherhood with 3 kids. What's your experience?

Frustrating kids

I was sobered the other day by my children. They were frustrating me, annoying me, getting on my nerves. Whatever I wanted to happen, didn't, and whatever I didn't want to happen, did. Messes, tantrums, whining, ARGH!

I thought I was even-keeled. I thought I could go with the flow. I thought I was calm, relaxed, laid-back, and mellow. Then I had kids.

Is it their fault? When I am frustrated, does it point to some rebellious, disobedient spirit in them? Maybe. As I thought about it, though, probably not most of the time.

Most of the time, they are being kids. There are three of them between 17 and 29 months old. That is not a recipe for calm...ever. So when I am frustrated, if it is not their fault, who does that leave?

Me.

My frustration says far more about my need for growth and maturity than it does about theirs. How am I being selfish? How am I finding my worth in their behavior? How am I valuing quiet compliance over their unique hearts?

It amazes me what they can teach without the ability to form coherent sentances most of the time. My kids frustrate me sometimes; maybe I can learn to be a better man through it.

My kids are better than yours (aka - Your kids are better than mine)

Parenting can be brutal. With young kids (which is what I have experience with), the emotional and physical drain is greater than I would have ever imagined. Egos seem particularly vulnerable. When I see other kids, it is easy to see how much better behaved they are, how much more put-together their parents are, how much cooler gear they have, how much more fun they are all having. I am humbled by how easy life is for them and how I must be incompetent to be having such a hard day/week/month.

When I think this way, though, I have to consciously remind myself of reality. Any little snapshot of anyone's life generally looks prettier than the whole of the reality. Other parents are probably looking at my kids and thinking similar thoughts because they do not, and cannot, see my whole picture any more than I can see theirs.

So I want to encourage myself and other parents out there. My kids are not really better than yours, any more than yours are better than mine. My kids are mine. I love them and do the best I can to parent them and we are going to be OK. Stop stressing about other families and love your kids. That's all we can do.