Haikubole

Combining the Japanese zen simplicity of haiku with the American arrogance of hyperbole, I present two original haikubole compositions.

The Cocky Bibliophile

Books I read daily.

Number one hundred or more.

You know you can't hang.

The Early Riser

Twenty miles I ran.

Two hundred push-ups as well.

All before breakfast.

Why read fantasy?

I just finished reading Rick Riordan's The Lightning Thief. It took me about four hours total, and I enjoyed it greatly. Why did I enjoy a mass market adolescent fantasy novel?

1. Escapism. Sometimes it gets a little old to be constantly immersed in business, economics, and world crises. A 12-year old decapitating Medusa off the New Jersey turnpike makes for a nice change of pace.
2. Clear good guys and bad guys. A good fantasy may have false trails and such in the middle, but at the end, the hero wins, the bad guy is defeated (at least until the next book) and I can sleep well. All is right with the world.
3. Inspiration. Yes, it is fiction, but if a kid can confront Hades and sacrifice his own desires for the greater good, what is stopping me? Ender's Game is one of my favorite novels of all time for exactly this reason.

Any other good reasons to put down Drucker and Collins for a bit?

5 effects of long nights with sick kids

1. Visions of St. Camillus de Lellis
2. Polypedophobia (fear of multiple children)
3. Really important questions: "Why doesn't adult Tylenol come in berry flavors with a dropper?"
4. Narcolepsy envy
5. Legal amnesty from anything said or done the following day

I'm not sure that #5 is real. I'm not sure of anything today. It should be, though. Write your congressman.

5 Superheroes I've wanted to be as an adult

1. Batman
2. Dash
3. Alexander Artemev
4. The Haitian
5. Dr. Horrible
   

For PETER's Sake!

The following is the script of a speech I gave for a Toastmasters Humerous Speech Contest a few years ago. Not originally written for the blog, but originally written by me. I came in second to a guy talking about kissing. It's hard to beat the Muslim who jokes about polygamy. May reading it bring you small fraction of the fun I had writing it.


For PETER's Sake!
A great evil is sweeping across our land.  An evil that is made all the more insidious by the complacency of so many people.  Mr. Contest Master, fellow Toastmasters, honored guests, I thank you for providing me the opportunity to speak to you today.  I stand before you a sad but determined man.  My dream is to persuade you of this evil that pervades our nation, but failing that, I hope to at least plant the seed in your minds so that one day, you will think twice before participating yourself.  My name is David Wallace, and I stand here today on behalf of the group I have recently founded, PETER.  People for the Ethical Treatment of Edible Roots.

Some call me the Potato Prophet.  They mean that term to be demeaning, degrading…but I wear it with pride.  How could I not be honored to be associated with that most noble tuber, the potato?  For millennia, the potato has sustained human civilization by its sacrifice from the mountains of Peru to the hills of Ireland to the plains of Idaho.  Yet how do we repay this sacrifice?  We continue to cut, chop, chip, slice, dice, peel, puree, maim, mash, bake, boil, fry and destroy millions of potatoes every year.

Friends, imagine what it is like to spend your entire life underground, never knowing the joy of a sunrise or the beauty of a sunset, the pleasure of a fresh breeze upon your skin.  And then, one day, you are pulled from your place of darkness.  At last, a ray of hope, of light!  Yet your hopes are dashed as your eyes are gouged out, your skin peeled away, your naked body sliced into long slivers and dropped into a pot of boiling oil.

What is this?  This behavior we associate with the Dark Ages of human history!  We might expect this from the French, with their “French Fries,” but here?  In modern America?  This barbarism is simply not acceptable in a civilized society like ours!  Have we no compassion?  I know I am not the only one in this room who counts Mr. Potato Head as a lifelong friend!  Yet we continue to treat his friends and relatives worse than we would treat our own mothers-in-law.

And potatoes are only the beginning.  Every day, in kitchens across this land, edible roots are massacred by the thousands.  From the common carrot to the much maligned rutabaga to the exotic mashua, edible roots suffer in mind-numbing, horrible, indescribable ways.

You think I’m crazy, don’t you?  Others have said as much.  But deep down you feel their pain, just as I do.  Have you not cried at the scream of the onion?  The anti-root lobby and their allies among the vicious vegetarians have spread lies for years about chemicals and irritants to try to disguise the true tragedy of the sliced onion.  Even strong men tear up at the sight of that maimed root, but it is not because of chemicals, but because of the agony that we feel below the level of feeling at the death of so fine a root.

I know that the truth I speak of is a stretch for many of you.  Your mothers told you that eating carrots is good for your eyes.  “Finish your potatoes,” she said.  “There are starving children in Africa who’d kill for such food!”  But did she acknowledge the carnage in her own kitchen?  Oh no.  Sure, potatoes are a good source of carbohydrates.  Sure, carrots might help you see better!  I don’t argue with their nutritional value, but that is a moot point.  Your baby brother would have been a good source of protein, but did Mom recommend eating little Johnny?  I think not.  No, the root of the issue (so to speak) is the kind of society you want to live in.  Do you want to live in a world where we personify edible roots for fun during the day, giving them to our children to play with, then mince them at night, give them cute names like “tater tots” right before devouring them with blood-like catsup?

Fellow human beings, I appeal to you as brothers and sisters on this planet that we share with so many other worthy living things.  If you have any compassion, any shred of humanity in you, the next time you look a potato in the eye, will you see into his soul?  The next time an onion crosses your path, will you cry before he is cut?  Please, I beg of you.  The fact that a root is edible does not mean that it should be eaten.  Will you join the cause of PETER?  Will you become a Person for the Ethical Treatment of Edible Roots?  Will you join me on this crusade?  The carrots are crying out.  The yams are yelling.  The turnips are terrified.  Please, the potatoes need you.

The Wave

I've only encountered this in Lincoln County, Kansas. Perhaps it exists elsewhere, but for me, it indicates that I'm in my ancestral home. If you want to bring a little north-central Kansas to your roadways, here are instructions for The Wave.

1. While driving on a two-lane road, rest one hand at 12:00 on the wheel.
2. As a vehicle approaches from the other direction, raise one or two fingers as you are close enough to see the other driver's face.
3. Return fingers to rest position as soon as the other vehicle passes.
4. Do not smile.
5. Repeat as often as necessary.
   

Too much vs. too little

In my list of potential blog topics, I found this:

Too much vs. too little

Reading it now, I am certain that I had some insight about the power of moderation or the wisdom of choosing when to go all in or hold back. None of that really rings a bell though. I have no idea what I was planning to write about.

In this case, it was clearly too little.

Share the love/hate

One of my ongoing challenges is directing my attention toward positive things. Sometimes the temptation away from the positive is toward the negative, but more often, it's toward the neutral. And too much time (how is that defined, I wonder?) in neutral is just as negative.

I've been a gamer since my family first got a computer in 1985 and my dad bought me Boulderdash. Since then, a lot of games have come and gone, most notably everything Blizzard made in the '90s. All great fun, and initially fully neutral on the positive/negative scale for use of my time. But as you might have guessed, too much time has tipped that often into negative territory.

So in the last several years, I've been trying to reduce my gaming habit, mostly by not paying money for games (usually). This kind of works, since free games are rarely on par with commercial titles. However, there are some. Here are a couple of the games I love to hate and hate to love. Check them out...if you dare.


The Battle for Wesnoth
Turn-based strategy game with a fantasy (knights and wizards and trolls) theme. Simple, engaging interface, well written scenarios, balanced, huge. The best freeware game I've found.

The DROD Family
Although not technically completely free, there are enough demo levels and classic versions to make it seem that way. DROD stands for Deadly Rooms of Death, which summarizes things pretty well. In a turn-based tile puzzle mode, your job is to clear each room (there are lots) of nasties using a Really Big Sword. Humor, variety, and challenge make for a game that's hard to walk away from. I've even bought an installment, and that says a lot from me.

If there's anything else that should be on this very short list, please don't tell me. :)