On tantrums

My toddlers throw tantrums. Lots of them, it seems. Some are justified, like when their sister steals their juice or when their brother uses their head as a bongo drum. Most of the time, though, they are completely uncalled for. At least from my perspective.

When a child asks for a muffin and gets a different piece than what he was pointing at, I have little sympathy for the kicking and screaming. When they ask for music and it takes me 10 seconds longer to turn it on than they wanted, there is even less pity. It is clear to me that they are missing the big picture, and getting themselves worked up over nothing.

So the question, as always, is how am I any different? I do less screaming, but I think mostly because it hurts my ears. Adults tend toward pouting, in general. When my promotion happens a year later than I think it should, do I turn bitter about my job (just pretend this is purely hypothetical)? If my car breaks down (due to lack of proactive maintenance on my part), do I shake my fist at fate?

My tantrums are generally not as loud as my kids, but I might be more prone to missing the big picture than I would like to think. Kids can be hard on the ego sometimes.

Emotional Control

The New York Times recently published an article about yelling at your kids that I discovered through a couple blogs that I follow (Nathan's and Digital Dads). It opens up a nice debate about various forms of discipline, but that is not exactly what it got me thinking about.

I started thinking about why we discipline. There are lots of good reasons, and lots of bad ones. One of the reasons in between is to "control" our children. I think it is good that parents have accountability for what their kids do in public. I do not think it is good if parents expect their kids to be perfectly responsive robots.

In the end, though, we cannot control our children. Like it or not, they are independent (and often willful) individuals. We can intimidate, encourage, coerce, bribe, threaten, punish, and cajole, but never control. In fact, the only thing we can control is...us.

So that brings me back to the question of discipline methods. I am averse (not immune) to yelling not because it is ineffective, but because it demonstrates a loss of emotional control. Spanking is arguably legitimate discipline...if used in an emotionally controlled environment. Uncontrolled emotional spanking is little different than plain physical abuse.

I think that the key to effective discipline is not the method, but the source. It is ok to feel emotions. It is not ok to let the emotions control me. If I am controlling my emotions, discipline will work. If my kids are controlling my emotions, and my emotions are controlling me, discipline fails.

This is my thinking based on 2 years of fatherhood with 3 kids. What's your experience?

Frustrating kids

I was sobered the other day by my children. They were frustrating me, annoying me, getting on my nerves. Whatever I wanted to happen, didn't, and whatever I didn't want to happen, did. Messes, tantrums, whining, ARGH!

I thought I was even-keeled. I thought I could go with the flow. I thought I was calm, relaxed, laid-back, and mellow. Then I had kids.

Is it their fault? When I am frustrated, does it point to some rebellious, disobedient spirit in them? Maybe. As I thought about it, though, probably not most of the time.

Most of the time, they are being kids. There are three of them between 17 and 29 months old. That is not a recipe for calm...ever. So when I am frustrated, if it is not their fault, who does that leave?

Me.

My frustration says far more about my need for growth and maturity than it does about theirs. How am I being selfish? How am I finding my worth in their behavior? How am I valuing quiet compliance over their unique hearts?

It amazes me what they can teach without the ability to form coherent sentances most of the time. My kids frustrate me sometimes; maybe I can learn to be a better man through it.