The New York Times recently published an article about yelling at your kids that I discovered through a couple blogs that I follow (Nathan's and Digital Dads). It opens up a nice debate about various forms of discipline, but that is not exactly what it got me thinking about.
I started thinking about why we discipline. There are lots of good reasons, and lots of bad ones. One of the reasons in between is to "control" our children. I think it is good that parents have accountability for what their kids do in public. I do not think it is good if parents expect their kids to be perfectly responsive robots.
In the end, though, we cannot control our children. Like it or not, they are independent (and often willful) individuals. We can intimidate, encourage, coerce, bribe, threaten, punish, and cajole, but never control. In fact, the only thing we can control is...us.
So that brings me back to the question of discipline methods. I am averse (not immune) to yelling not because it is ineffective, but because it demonstrates a loss of emotional control. Spanking is arguably legitimate discipline...if used in an emotionally controlled environment. Uncontrolled emotional spanking is little different than plain physical abuse.
I think that the key to effective discipline is not the method, but the source. It is ok to feel emotions. It is not ok to let the emotions control me. If I am controlling my emotions, discipline will work. If my kids are controlling my emotions, and my emotions are controlling me, discipline fails.
This is my thinking based on 2 years of fatherhood with 3 kids. What's your experience?
Monday, November 16, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Magical Mystery Tour (aka Marriage Key #2)
While I'm in the mode of giving advice I'm not qualified to give, I thought I'd share another key to a happy marriage. (Editor's note: if you are looking for a legitimate marriage blog, check out Simple Marriage.)
I was thinking about the romance of new love. How a couple can talk for hours on the phone or over dinner, endlessly fascinated by each other. What is it that drives that happy couple? I think the key is mystery.
We all love the unknown in some way. We are fascinated by it, romanticize it, dream about it. The known is mundane. Comfortable, perhaps, but generally dull. We know what has happened, what is happening, what is going to happen. There is no mystery in daily life.
Yet that is exactly what a marriage needs to stay fresh. There must be a sense that there is something about our spouse we do not yet know...some dream, some habit, some past experience, some fear. With that sense of mystery, we are compelled to talk, explore, learn, and become one.
The challenge of this is that after a few years, it becomes easy to assume we know everything already. There is nothing new, and no reason to talk for hours. No reason to pursue, no reason to romanticize or dream. When we think that, it does not demonstrate knowledge, it reveals ignorance. Allow me an analogy.
To me, English Literature seems pretty straightforward. Authors wrote books that we read and then talk about plot and character and stuff like that. In fact, I have read Shakespeare and Dickens and Poe and even enjoyed it. I would say that there is actually very little to learn there. Does this show that I know all there is to know about English Lit?
Absolutely not. An English Lit professor would put me to shame with her explanation of the depth of the subject and quickly demonstrate my ignorance. Plus, she would likely then confess that there is more she does not know than what she does. Her knowledge humbles her to realize the depth of her field, which can never be seen by an outsider.
The same is true of our spouses. The more we know, the more we should be humbled about what we do not know. No human being can be completely known in a lifetime. And if you are reading this, I know you have known your spouse well short of that.
You are married to a mystery. Explore it fully, and never forget that there is more to discover around the next bend.
I was thinking about the romance of new love. How a couple can talk for hours on the phone or over dinner, endlessly fascinated by each other. What is it that drives that happy couple? I think the key is mystery.
We all love the unknown in some way. We are fascinated by it, romanticize it, dream about it. The known is mundane. Comfortable, perhaps, but generally dull. We know what has happened, what is happening, what is going to happen. There is no mystery in daily life.
Yet that is exactly what a marriage needs to stay fresh. There must be a sense that there is something about our spouse we do not yet know...some dream, some habit, some past experience, some fear. With that sense of mystery, we are compelled to talk, explore, learn, and become one.
The challenge of this is that after a few years, it becomes easy to assume we know everything already. There is nothing new, and no reason to talk for hours. No reason to pursue, no reason to romanticize or dream. When we think that, it does not demonstrate knowledge, it reveals ignorance. Allow me an analogy.
To me, English Literature seems pretty straightforward. Authors wrote books that we read and then talk about plot and character and stuff like that. In fact, I have read Shakespeare and Dickens and Poe and even enjoyed it. I would say that there is actually very little to learn there. Does this show that I know all there is to know about English Lit?
Absolutely not. An English Lit professor would put me to shame with her explanation of the depth of the subject and quickly demonstrate my ignorance. Plus, she would likely then confess that there is more she does not know than what she does. Her knowledge humbles her to realize the depth of her field, which can never be seen by an outsider.
The same is true of our spouses. The more we know, the more we should be humbled about what we do not know. No human being can be completely known in a lifetime. And if you are reading this, I know you have known your spouse well short of that.
You are married to a mystery. Explore it fully, and never forget that there is more to discover around the next bend.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Frustrating kids
I was sobered the other day by my children. They were frustrating me, annoying me, getting on my nerves. Whatever I wanted to happen, didn't, and whatever I didn't want to happen, did. Messes, tantrums, whining, ARGH!
I thought I was even-keeled. I thought I could go with the flow. I thought I was calm, relaxed, laid-back, and mellow. Then I had kids.
Is it their fault? When I am frustrated, does it point to some rebellious, disobedient spirit in them? Maybe. As I thought about it, though, probably not most of the time.
Most of the time, they are being kids. There are three of them between 17 and 29 months old. That is not a recipe for calm...ever. So when I am frustrated, if it is not their fault, who does that leave?
Me.
My frustration says far more about my need for growth and maturity than it does about theirs. How am I being selfish? How am I finding my worth in their behavior? How am I valuing quiet compliance over their unique hearts?
It amazes me what they can teach without the ability to form coherent sentances most of the time. My kids frustrate me sometimes; maybe I can learn to be a better man through it.
I thought I was even-keeled. I thought I could go with the flow. I thought I was calm, relaxed, laid-back, and mellow. Then I had kids.
Is it their fault? When I am frustrated, does it point to some rebellious, disobedient spirit in them? Maybe. As I thought about it, though, probably not most of the time.
Most of the time, they are being kids. There are three of them between 17 and 29 months old. That is not a recipe for calm...ever. So when I am frustrated, if it is not their fault, who does that leave?
Me.
My frustration says far more about my need for growth and maturity than it does about theirs. How am I being selfish? How am I finding my worth in their behavior? How am I valuing quiet compliance over their unique hearts?
It amazes me what they can teach without the ability to form coherent sentances most of the time. My kids frustrate me sometimes; maybe I can learn to be a better man through it.
Friday, November 13, 2009
John Piper rocks my world
Noel Piper, John Piper's wife, has been posting their daughter's adoption story over the last couple weeks. One of the posts that stood out to me was a reproduction of John's letter voicing his agreement with the adoption. It highlights two challenges for me.
- A model of Biblical submission and love. Noel states several times that after many hours of discussion, the final decision would be John's - submission. In his letter, John states that Noel's heart's desire is the most important factor in his decision - love. He agrees to adoption not purely out of his own reasoning, but primarily to love and sacrifice for his wife. When was the last time I made a decision like that?
- Consistency of commitment and character. John makes it clear that after honoring his wife, adoption is a way to live a radical commitment to love, racial reconciliation, male/female role modeling, pro-life, and every area of his life's ministry. He is (and they are) willing to put their beliefs on the line visibly, publically, and irrevocably. Have I ever done that?
