Magical Mystery Tour (aka Marriage Key #2)

While I'm in the mode of giving advice I'm not qualified to give, I thought I'd share another key to a happy marriage. (Editor's note: if you are looking for a legitimate marriage blog, check out Simple Marriage.)

I was thinking about the romance of new love. How a couple can talk for hours on the phone or over dinner, endlessly fascinated by each other. What is it that drives that happy couple? I think the key is mystery.

We all love the unknown in some way. We are fascinated by it, romanticize it, dream about it. The known is mundane. Comfortable, perhaps, but generally dull. We know what has happened, what is happening, what is going to happen. There is no mystery in daily life.

Yet that is exactly what a marriage needs to stay fresh. There must be a sense that there is something about our spouse we do not yet know...some dream, some habit, some past experience, some fear. With that sense of mystery, we are compelled to talk, explore, learn, and become one.

The challenge of this is that after a few years, it becomes easy to assume we know everything already. There is nothing new, and no reason to talk for hours. No reason to pursue, no reason to romanticize or dream. When we think that, it does not demonstrate knowledge, it reveals ignorance. Allow me an analogy.

To me, English Literature seems pretty straightforward. Authors wrote books that we read and then talk about plot and character and stuff like that. In fact, I have read Shakespeare and Dickens and Poe and even enjoyed it. I would say that there is actually very little to learn there. Does this show that I know all there is to know about English Lit?

Absolutely not. An English Lit professor would put me to shame with her explanation of the depth of the subject and quickly demonstrate my ignorance. Plus, she would likely then confess that there is more she does not know than what she does. Her knowledge humbles her to realize the depth of her field, which can never be seen by an outsider.

The same is true of our spouses. The more we know, the more we should be humbled about what we do not know. No human being can be completely known in a lifetime. And if you are reading this, I know you have known your spouse well short of that.

You are married to a mystery. Explore it fully, and never forget that there is more to discover around the next bend.

The Key to a Happy Marriage

The title is a bit ambitious and very misleading. If you think that a blog post will give you The Key to a happy marriage, then you are

a) reading the wrong blog and
b) fooling yourself.

There is a key that I am thinking about today, though. Self-awareness. Simply the ability to know what I am feeling and thinking plus why I am feeling and thinking that way. If I do not know myself, why would my wife have a chance?

As an example, imagine I am mad at my wife. If I know that the reason is that she said something that touched a core insecurity around finances, I can tell her that and we can sort it out. If all I know is that I'm mad and she's a jerk, there is not much to work with.

So be aware of yourself. Check your thoughts and feelings, figure out what they are all about, and share them with your spouse. You'll both be glad you did.