Grand Adventures in Fatherhood

I have big dreams. Laying in bed, I dream about quitting my job and hiking the Appalachian Trail. I dream about running marathons...no, make that ultramarathons. I dream of taking a trip around the world, or just a month-long backpack through Australia. I dream of writing a book and starting a business and becoming a master cabinetmaker. The world is full of grand adventures, just waiting for me to get out of bed and get started.

Then my 18-month-old son wakes up crying. He wakes up his twin sister, and they start a chorus. So I climb out of bed, fill sippy cups with milk, and try to wake up before their 2.5-year-old brother gets out of bed. Soon enough, the volume level in the house increases ten-fold and I am reading Who Says Woof for the 10th time in a row while dreams of grand adventures fade quickly into the background.

Daily life with three kids under three can quickly become monotonous. They fight...again. They make up and play sweetly together...again. They yell, they eat, they throw food, they throw toys, we read board books...again. The dreams of a grand adventure grow bigger while the reality seems further and further away.

But does it have to be this way? Is fatherhood incompatible with the grand adventures of life? Of course not. Grand adventures are there, they just take a little more work. Here's how to make them happen.

1. No excuses.
   When my second and third kids were born, my wife and I made a commitment that our kids would not be an excuse. Having toddlers does not excuse me from exercising, reading, blogging, traveling, or anything else. Never use your kids as an excuse to withdraw from the world or to postpone your dreams. By making excuses, we make our kids responsible for our lives, and it's not their problem. You are still the one responsible for you, and having kids does not change that.
2. Get real.
   At the same time, we're responsible for them now, too. We have to be honest. Do you know who you are, who your wife is, who your kids are? Do you know energy levels, abilities to endure change, or physical requirements? Having three kids is different than having one. Having a 2-year-old is different than having a 12-year-old. A child with Down's Syndrome has different challenges than one with autism. You have to know the real boundaries in your life.
3. Keep dreaming.
   The one thing that kids never do is prevent us from dreaming. In fact, they can expand the dreams. Now I not only dream of running a marathon, I dream of running a marathon with a triple-stroller. I dream not just of re-learning to play the piano, but of playing a duet with my son. Keep dreaming and imagining the greatest life possible for you and your family.
4. Focus.
   Dreams are fun. Dreams lived out are even more fun. The trouble is, even without kids, trying to live all our dreams is a recipe for frustration. There is simply not enough time/money/energy to do them all. So focus. Pick one that you will commit to making happen. By taking the dreams one at a time, you can bring everything you have to bear on it and make it happen.
   
5. Be creative.
   Once you have the dream and a realistic view of the world, it's time to get creative. How can they fit together? How can you find time to read? Where will the money for plane tickets come from? How can you build that sleigh bed without risking your 3-year-old's fingers in the table saw? You have defined a problem clearly and have committed to not making excuses. There is a solution. It just requires some creativity to find it.
   
6. Recruit help.
   If you can achieve your dream on your own, then it's not a very big one. Small dreams are fine, but if you're dreaming big, you're going to need some help. The first person to recruit is your wife. If she isn't on your side, there are other blogs you should be reading. If your kids are old enough, recruit them. Look for other dads, in real life and online. Look for people who can support you physically (babysitting), emotionally (encouraging your dream), and mentally (helping brainstorm solutions). If you go it alone, you will likely fail. If you recruit help, you increase the chances of living the dream, and strengthen relationships along the way.
7. Go.
   The last step is the hardest. You just have to do it. You have to buy the tickets, leave the house, and get on the plane with all three kids. All the dreaming and planning is meaningless until you go, take action, and live the dream.

Finally, there is a mental shift that happens. Men, in particular, are wired for big things, action things. We want to build, move, take action and have an impact. Our dreams tend in those directions. Fatherhood changes the game a little, though. Rocking a newborn to sleep at 3 in the morning is not bold. Listening to a 6-year-old's piano recital is not dramatic. Picking a 12-year-old up from school does not make the news.

This is where the shift happens, though. My son's excitement to see the elephant's bath at the zoo, my daughter's squealing when I come home after work, or my kids spontaneously saying "I love you" does things in my heart that no other dream can ever do. Fatherhood is the grandest of grand adventures. As you take action to make your other dreams happen, remember that simply being "Dad" is the greatest dream of all.

Now go and live it.

(Photo credit to jbrindes)