Thursday, December 31, 2009

The End (of 2009)

Between 10/19/06 and 8/24/09, I wrote six posts for this blog. I officially relaunched on 8/25/09 and have since written over twenty times that number, with this post being number 130. My reason for blogging is to help refine my thinking, and to give myself an outlet for all the input that I am inclined to gather. Since output is not natural for me, I decided to follow Seth's lead (in posting rate, not quality of content) and require daily posts through the end of the year. The end has now come.

I learned through the process that there is a lot to write about. Ideas were never a problem. I also learned that writing every day is good for me. It is enjoyable, and has succeeded in forcing me to think. However, it turns out that while writing every day is good, publishing every day is a little much. There were a few good posts, a few bad ones, and a lot of middling ones. The pace eliminated much possibility of editing, and first drafts generally are not that good. That is the nature of writing, but there is no need for me to subject you to it.

So going forward I will no longer require daily posting of myself. It is a bit of a relief. We'll have to see what actually happens. (Note that there is no implication that the quality will increase when quantity diminishes.)

Enough about me, what about you? While I write primarily for myself, I appreciate readers as well. Are you deriving any value? Does it matter to you whether I continue writing or not? If so, are there topics that you would like to see more or less of? Leave a comment and let me know.

So that closes out 2009. Happy New Year, celebrate wildly, drive safely, and I'll see you on the other side.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Best books of 2009

As 2009 draws to a close, I thought I would look back at the books I have read this year. My reading tends to cover a pretty broad range, so instead of picking a single set of "best" books, I will give the award in several categories. To be on this list, the book must meet two criteria:
  1. I must have read (or listened to, in the case of audiobooks) the book in its entirety, and completed it in the 2009 calendar year. I am in the middle of a couple right now that would make the list if I were to finish them before December 31. I won't, though, so they can go on next year's list. This limits the candidate pool to about 35 books.
  2. The book must be worth reading. By using categories, I could easily recommend everything ("Best Book to Read After All Quality Literature is Confiscated"), but I won't. If it is on this list, it won't waste your time. 
Best Book for Getting Your Butt Off the Couch
Born to Run by Christopher McDougall
I wrote about a lack of inspiration before reading this book. I then read it and was inspired. McDougall tells the story of a tribe of Native Americans who run. A lot. He talks about humanity's prehistoric running and the possibility that we (Homo Sapiens) out-competed the Neanderthals because we were better distance runners. Most amazingly, he describes a persistence hunt, where African bushmen literally run an antelope to death. It made me want to run a marathon, and no book (or anything else) has ever done that before.

Best Book for Learning What Everyone Should Know
Basic Economics by Thomas Friedman
Most of what I have to say about Friedman's book, I have already said. I tweeted at one point that no one should be allowed to have an opinion about anything until they have read this book. That stance is a little strong, but it is a decent place to start. Life involves trade-offs, and economics is the science of those trade-offs. If you do not have a basic grasp of those, the reality of the world will smack down anything you attempt. Everyone should already know this stuff, but very few people talk like they do. Don't be in the majority on this one.


Best Book for Reading about Writing
On Writing by Stephen King
I have never read any of King's fiction, and do not really plan to. His genre does not appeal to me, but his philosophy of writing is well written. He says little that others have not said, but he says it as well as anyone. Read a lot, write what you care about, and write a lot. He probably implies a greater likelihood of success than is really out there, but otherwise he is dead on. It applies to most of life, too. Work hard at what you care about, and the rest will follow.


Best Book for Rethinking Education
Weapons of Mass Instruction by John Taylor Gatto
I posted a couple snarky items inspired by this book (here and here). I cannot say I am particularly proud of them, but the book's immediate effect was to really get me down on institutional schooling (including, but not limited to, public schools). As a product of America's public school system, the book made me feel shortchanged. Gatto is an evangelist, and preaches hard. The reason to read this book is not, however, to pull your kids out of public school and join a commune. The book forces us to think about things that we normally do not, but are very important. What is education? Why do we go to school? Why bother learning at all? What should we learn? No matter what education decisions you make for your kids, you owe it to them to make the decisions consciously, and this book will not let you do otherwise.


Best Cookbook
The Breath of a Wok by Grace Young and Alan Richardson
My family gave me a wok for my birthday earlier this year, which I had wanted for a while. This book came from the library to train me in the art of wok cooking. A random selection that was a wonderful experience to read and cook from. I posted about it here, and of all the wok-books I have read, it still remains the most inspiring and useful.


Best Books for Dads
Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Meg Meeker and The Way of the Wild Heart by John Eldredge
Since I have had kids, I have tried to channel some of my reading into learning about being the dad they deserve. I have a long ways to go. I am learning, though. I have both sons and a daughter, so I read books this year covering both of them. I described Meeker's book earlier. Eldredge's book is both for fathers and men in general, following up on his earlier Wild at Heart. This one goes into detail about the stages of the masculine journey and how we can lead our sons (and ourselves) through them. The translation of Eldredge's ideas from his (apparently) idyllic Colorado mountain ranch to the suburbs of Houston is always difficult for me, but the effort is worthwhile. Intentionality in raising our kids is always better than simply going with the flow.


Best Book by Dad
Spycraft by Robert Wallace and Keith Melton
My dad has written three books, and Spycraft is the best of them (though I have only started the third). It tells the story of the Office of Technical Services (OTS), the CIA's gadget-geeks, from the 1940's to the 1990's. Operations are described with a focus on the cool gear, making much of the book read like a James Bond film told by Q. The Cuban prison chapter is worth the price of the book on its own. Plus, if you're looking for an autographed copy, I can probably arrange something.


Best Book to Make You Stop Reading This Blog
The Tyranny of Email by John Freeman
The final book in the list, and one of the last books I read this year (it was a Christmas gift), may have the least literary value, but the biggest impact on my day-to-day life. It is a call to slow down communication and unplug from the internet just a little bit. I wrote more about it here, and some of the other thoughts it raised here and here.

In the end, I hope you do not stop reading my blog. If you do, though, I hope it is to make time for books like these. Books open the world in a way blogs and Twitter and cable news never can, and we all need more of them in our lives. Read. A lot. And let me know what your best books of 2009 were. I'm always looking for ideas.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Manly Men and Womanly Women

I recently discovered The Art of Manliness. The blog is focused on recapturing more traditional roles and characteristics of men, without reverting to any 1950's chauvanistic stereotypes. It has been interesting to read, since the only folks that I had heard about previously trying to clarify gender roles in any traditional manner have been evangelical Christians. This blog appears to have little or no religious leaning at all.

An article that caught my eye recently was titled "What can manly men expect of women?" There was not much of an answer in there, mostly just the question. There may be some interesting responses in the comments, but I have not gone back to read those yet. Here I have nothing new to add other than to reiterate the question in a slightly different way. What does the female equivalent of a manly man look like? Who is a womanly woman today?

The easy answer for some is to quote Proverbs 31. That's fine, but I suspect that doesn't work easily for all women. Just like my manliness is no longer defined by my ability to shoot a deer or trap a rabbit for dinner, making your family's clothes no longer seems like a useful yardstick for womanliness.

I have no answer to this, given my lack of study and/or experience being a woman. With my 18 month old daughter sitting in my lap right now, though, it seems a useful topic to learn more about. So I would love to hear your thoughts. What does it mean to be a womanly woman in the 21st century?

Monday, December 28, 2009

The Tyranny of Email


I just finished The Tyranny of Email by John Freeman. It prompted the last couple of posts, so a review of sorts seems worthwhile.

Summary: The communication patterns resulting from internet connectivity (primarily represented by email) are unlike anything humans have ever encountered before, and they are killing us.

That message is not particularly novel, complaints about email are nearly as ubiquitous as email itself. Nor is the last chapter of advice for dealing with it anything that has not been written on productivity blogs for years. That said, you should read it.

The core of the book traces the development of communication, primarily examining the speed with which we have been able to exchange information. Freeman writes well, making the story interesting and engaging. Most importantly, it puts the last 15 years of the internet into a little bit of context, which is an angle I have not read elsewhere.

As a result, the call for slowing down communication at the end has greater weight than that from a techno-phobe or productivity guru. In light of how we are wired, constant, rapid-fire communication appears to have no benefit and plenty of detriments to our social and psychological well-being.

Read the book, slow down, and talk to someone without a keyboard.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Real-life Friends

Most of us have a lot of friends. We know a lot of people by their first names, we know a lot about what is happening in a lot of others' lives. Most of those people, though, we rarely see face-to-face. Kind of ironic that they call the thing "Face"book, huh?

Following up on yesterday's post, I am thinking about the relationships behind the news. The prevalence of news relies on rapid dissemination, which means the written word broadcast over the internet. Nothing else packs as much factual information into the short time we have to consume it. So as we are innundated with news, it becomes a requirement that we spend more time on reading written stuff (with occasional pictures) than on talking and listening.

Scott (see, I know him by his first name!) posted recently about how friendships are formed. He argues that shared experiences trump shared values every time. Most college roommates and comrades-in-arms would agree. While he uses an online example to show this, I think it is a rare thing for an experience to be shared with someone in another room or country, even in today's connected world.

So in this new Web 2.0 world of social media, who are your real friends? Who have you had dinner with lately, or trusted to watch your kids? Who sees your tears and hears your laughter? Who shares your life beyond consuming your broadcasts?

Our real friends are not our Twitter followers and Facebook friends (though overlap is certainly possible). We all acknowledge this intellectually, but do we embrace it really? Do we spend as much time cultivating even just one real friendship as we do a hundred or a thousand virtual ones? To put a blunt point on it, when it hits the fan, who will visit the hospital, look after your kids, bring you a meal, or just tell you the truth you don't want to hear?

As we enjoy the amazing awesomeness that is the Internet, let us not lose sight of real life. For what good is it for a man to gain the whole world wide web, yet forfeit his real soul?

Saturday, December 26, 2009

News Gluttony

Reading through a Christmas gift, I came upon the story of the second telegram sent by Samuel Morse, "HAVE YOU ANY NEWS?" It (along with the rest of the book) has me thinking about the nature of news.

We seem to be wired for news. Stories of the past often involve isolated towns or homes eagerly awaiting letters or visitors or messengers bringing news. In general, news is something that comes from outside, something that we have not personally been a part of. My birthday party is not news to me, but yours (which I was unable to attend) is.

For most of human history, news was a rare thing. We got news only occasionally, and it was a treat, like a special dessert on holidays. The balance between our own experience (non-news) and that of others (news) was decidedly on the side of non-news.

Today, all this has changed. Thanks to the internet, news is everywhere. Nearly by definition, the internet is all news. Every email I receive, every blog I read, every Facebook album I browse is someone else's experience, that is, news to me. We are awash with news and are compelled to generate it ourselves, sending email and posting to blogs, Facebook, Twitter, and forums. The balance of our lives has shifted, significantly, away from non-news.

So I wonder, can we handle it? Our tendency to crave fat and sugar has gone from a benefit in a lean agricultural economy to a detriment in the land of buffets and drive-thrus.  Is our craving for news any different? Does the constant stream of news help us live better lives? Or is it contributing to mental gluttony with effects we cannot foresee (health impacts of extra weight have only recently been determined, after all)? Is one of those effects the erosion of the non-news part of our lives, the part that we are actually experiencing, not just reading about?

I am not the first to ask this question. This is the first time I have phrased it to myself in this way, though. It is making me think. How about you?

Friday, December 25, 2009

A Country Christmas

Another holiday, another old Toastmasters speech. Reading this now brings mixed emotions as my family celebrates our first Christmas since Grandma's death. This was always her favorite holiday. While we miss her, she would never want us to hold back the celebration. So Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Night!



The air was frigid.  Not bitter, but bracing, refreshing.  I lay on my back looking up at the stars, amazed at their clarity, each one a blazing fire, but somehow the heat was left behind as the light traveled across the vastness of space to meet me in the middle of nowhere.  OK, it wasn’t exactly the middle of nowhere, but it was real close, the middle of Kansas; Barnard, Kansas to be specific.  My grandfather was born there, my dad was born there, my uncle still lives there, and for me, that little town of 103 is Christmas.

As I lay there, a 10-year old boy amazed by stars unseen in the city, Christmas Eve festivities were ongoing inside.  We were, as always, at the old homestead, the home my great-grandfather built over a century ago.  In it he and his wife raised 7 burly boys and one very tough girl, most of who carried on the family tradition of farming the fertile Kansas fields.  My grandfather was the eldest of those 8, and at the time I was stargazing, he was the patriarch of the brood.  Inside, he would have been occupying the recliner of honor overseeing the celebration.

The house was never actually big enough for the original 10 residents, let alone the 60 that were bursting from the seams that evening.  Three or four generations of Wallaces celebrate in that house every year, and though some pass on or move away, others enter by birth or marriage.  The house is always warm, almost claustrophobic, but with a palpable aura of love and family that I experience nowhere else.

Thinking back, it’s not hard to recall the menu that night, because it’s always been the same.  Two or three of the women bustle about in the kitchen, serving hot chili and potato soup that warms both body and soul.  While you’re there, you can pick up some iced tea (unsweetened in the Midwest), lemonade, or water.  Coffee is available later on in the evening.  Turkey and ham sandwiches are made with rolls so white and soft that they hardly require chewing, and the whole thing is held together by dollops of full-fat mayonnaise.  Grandma always supplies the bottomless popcorn tin, a family favorite that is always begun, but never seems to get finished.  Debra can be relied on to supply “shorty”, a family recipe that somehow manages to produce a bread-like food from nearly pure lard.  Although traditionally always requested, you can count on seeing it again at dinner Christmas day.  And long before Jello Jigglers, finger Jello was a staple, red and green translucent cubes that slide down your throat as fast as you’re willing to consume them.  Innumerable cookies, crackers, cheese and the ever-present sweet pickles round out the informal meal.

Later in the evening, when everyone has eaten their full and the soup ladles scrape bottom; I would be back inside for the carols.  In a family with 42 first cousins, several managed to achieve musical talent, and one leads us on the piano as careworn carol sheets are found and passed around.  Everyone is encouraged to pick their favorites to sing, although those under the age of 10 seem to have inordinate influence on the song selection.

Sometime during the singing, you can count on Santa Claus appearing, riding in from the night in his Mercury Cougar sled.  His pillow-gut and polyester beard are not always in the best of shape, but everyone looks forward to his visit and the candy he carries.  It doesn’t matter if you’re 8 or 80, he’s sure to encourage general good behavior and scold the bad (and he seems to find particular delight scolding those older than him).  With a final Merry Christmas and a ho, ho, ho, he departs, off to destinations unknown.

When the night is over, we say our goodbyes and return to grandma’s house, and attempt to sleep before the big Christmas morning.  For now, however, I was content to look at the stars, blazing balls that appear so tiny and bright.  For a city boy, the clear nights of the country are an uncommon and awe-inspiring sight.  But the true brightness, and what draws me back each year, is what was inside; the love of my family, the warmth of tradition, and the simple down-home comfort of a true country Christmas.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

The Tipping Point of Faith

I have recently been enjoying an Open Yale course on game theory. The professor is entertaining and the subject fascinating. The last several lectures have been covering Nash Equilibria , those states of a game where no player can gain an advantage by changing their strategy or choice. This concept can help in understanding the best responses for each player and where the end state of a game could end up. An extension of the idea is that where two equilibria exist in a game, there may be a tipping point where different equilibria are favored depending on which side you are on.

As a geographic analogy, consider the Continental Divide. It is the tipping point in directing water in North America. Rain falling to the east ends up in the equilibrium known as the Atlantic, and rain to the west ends up in the Pacific.

As I was listening to this, it occurred to me that Nash Equilibrium could be a good description of something I have experienced and witnessed in the area of spirituality and faith. I think that the payoff for any given belief system could be crudely modeled like the following graph.


The scale runs from no belief on the left to complete belief on the right, with shades of belief in between. The vertical axis is the pay-off in terms of contentment, joy, happiness, peace, whatever.

At the far left, a non-believer is at peace with their decision. They operate free of the obligations and rewards of the belief system, choosing to do what works for them (possibly a different faith) and are therefore happy with life.

At the far right, a true believer is at peace with their decision. They are comfortable within the structure of the belief system, are privy to the rewards (community, eternal confidence, etc.) and are therefore happy with life.

In between are most people. Taking the evangelical Christian system as an example, these are the folks who claim belief in God, but never show up for church. Or the people who are in church but asleep. Or who open their Bibles only during Sunday school. Or who display an unopened Bible prominently on their coffee table. All of these folks are riding the fence in one way or another.

To bring back the Game Theory, the Nash Equilibria are, of course, on either extreme. The payoff is maximized at full belief or full non-belief. A rational player (one who is looking to maximize payoff) will always be forced to one side or the other, though the theory does not make any claim as to which side is preferred.

Faith is not generally amenable to mathematical analysis or simplified Game Theory. So clearly this does not tell the whole story. It does, however, remind us of something that gets easily hidden in the bustle of everyday life. Is our faith real? And if it is not, should we keep playing games? Are we happy in the middle, or does something need to change?

I would love to hear your where you stand on the questions or the theory. Leave a comment and let me know what you're thinking.

(picture credit to R. Brown)

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Conversion of a group class skeptic


Stages of Conversion
  1. Skepticism - "Group classes...whatever. I prefer working out alone."
  2. Curiosity - "I wonder what they're doing in there..."
  3. Trial - "He said it was pretty good...I'll check it out tomorrow."
  4. Arrogance - "Crunches? That's it? I'll show them how it's done."
  5. Exhaustion - "Pant...pant...pant...wheeze."
  6. Denial - "Two more sets?!? Are you serious?"
  7. Collapse - "..."
  8. Pain - "Captain's log, T+3 days. Able to get out of bed without groaning this morning. Hoping to be able to stand upright tomorrow."
  9. Conversion - "See you next week!"
(Note: Stages based on my experience with Abs Blast + Total Body Workout at the company gym. Your mileage may vary.)

(Photo credit to Urban Active Fitness)

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I will teach you to be rich

Ramit Sethi wrote a book titled I Will Teach You To Be Rich. He maintains a blog of the same title. I know relatively little about him or his writing, but the little I have read seems positive (the recent post about money lies made a lot of sense to me). More importantly, he makes several strong points in his title alone.

  1. "Teach"
    Being rich can be taught. It is not something that we are born with or without. What he teaches may be easier for some than for others, but rich or poor are not predetermined...we have control over learning one or the other. Teaching also requires our own responsibility. Sethi makes no claim to be able to "make" you rich, just teach you how to be rich.
  2. "Be"
    Being is harder and more important than becoming. It is one thing to work hard for a year or two at reducing spending and making more money. It is something else entirely to maintain that for a lifetime and be rich, not just get rich.
  3. "Rich"
    The goal is not wealth. The goal is not money, bank accounts, yachts, or anything else. The goal is to be rich. Having a rich life is one that is full. Money is a tool to obtaining a rich life, not the rich life itself.
I think his stuff is worth checking out. Let me know what you think.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Give a little grace

This morning my son woke up "in a mood." He got up earlier than usual. He had lots of demands, but could not be satisfied. He wailed for no reason that I could figure out. The only thing that made him happy was to be held. OK, I can do that, except it makes it difficult to pack my lunch and eat breakfast and all the other things I normally do while he is still asleep. So I put him down briefly, with the intent to pick him back up 20 seconds later. He wailed, and I responded,

"Give me a little grace here, son."

I was not meaning to be profound, but it struck me as I said that how little grace kids give, how much they need, and how I am not very different.

I am quick to assume that others are out to get me, or that they simply do not care. If my wife is short with me, or if my boss overlooks my good work, I take it personally. The fact that she is sick or he was dealing with his father's death never enter my thoughts. I give no grace; I leave no room for error.

Yet on the other side, I always have an excuse. "I didn't mean it." "I was going to pick you up as soon as I poured my cereal." "My calendar didn't sync." "I have a headache the size of whale." Cut me some slack here, I'm doing my best. Just give me a little grace...please.

Remember, grace flows both ways. The only flow you and I control, though, is the one that originates with us. Maybe you have no struggle with this. For the rest of us, though, I challenge us today to just give a little grace.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Shut up.

I was in a first aid class a few weeks ago when the instructor dropped a line that was worth writing down.

Sometimes you need to shut up and let wisdom show up.
The context has left me, but the quote has not. It seems to apply in most of life. Rarely do we discover wisdom through talking. The archetypical wise man is never chatty. Talking and thinking rarely go together.

What about "thinking out-loud," though? I know that sometimes I can get clearer in my thinking through talking. Does that not contradict the wisdom of shutting up? I don't think so. The benefit I get from thinking out loud usually comes from hearing how foolish I sound. It turns out to be a good idea to do most of my out-loud thinking by myself.

Like much of my life, I find the application with my kids. Too often, if I speak quickly, I am bound to say something foolish. Even at 18 and 30 months, my kids can often figure out for themselves when they are misbehaving and what to do about it. My talking, particularly before giving wisdom enough time to show up, rarely helps.

So the challenge to us today is clear. Shut up. Hard to do, but rarely a bad idea.

(Photo credit to kandath)

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Francois Fenelon on Time


In response to a recent post on time, a friend sent me a quote from Francois Fenelon. Never heard of him? Neither had I. The quote reminds us that human nature hasn't changed much in the last few hundred years. Our lack of time and tendency to waste it is not a digital phenomenon. This is what this French theologian said in the 1600s:
Time is precious, but we do not know yet how precious it really is.  We will only know when we are no longer able to take advantage of it.  Our friends ask for our time as if it were nothing, and we give it as if it were nothing.  Often, our time is our own responsibility; we do not know what to do with it, and we become overwhelmed as a result.  The day will come when a quarter-hour will seem more valuable and desirable than all the fortunes in the universe. 
Liberal and generous in every way, God in the wise economy of his providence teaches us how we should be prudent about the proper use of time.  He never gives us two moments at the same time.  He never gives us a second moment without taking away the first.  And he never grants us that second moment without holding the third one in his hand, leaving us completely uncertain as to whether we will have it.  Time is given to us to prepare for eternity.  Eternity will not be long enough for us to ever stop regretting it if on this earth we have wasted time.
He seems to have taken things more seriously than I tend to. We will regret wasting time for all eternity? Seriously? Sobering.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Be reasonable...within reason

Seth wrote recently about doing things "within reason." He points out that victory comes from those who do things without reason, who go far beyond what is reasonable in their efforts. I think he has a point...within reason.

Reasonable actions are safe, dependable, reliable, and predicatable. They form the fabric of our lives. When we are reasonable, others can live with us. A reasonable marriage tends to stay together, reasonable parents raise decent kids, and reasonable colleagues are pleasant to work with. However...

The highlights of life do not fit into reason. No reasonable person would fall in love, given the heartache it so often brings. By the same argument, no reasonable person would have children. No reasonable person would join the Peace Corps or the Marine Corps. No reasonable person would start their own business or run a marathon or climb K5.

But what are you going to remember? What will you tell stories about? The reasonable allocation of your IRA contributions? Or the unreasonable decision to adopt an HIV-positive baby girl? The answer is easy.

So be reasonable. That sustains your life. Just don't stop there. Be unreasonable, and make life worth living.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Dreams vs. Expectations

There are two ways to look at the future. One is by dreaming, the other by expecting. They are different in some significant ways.

Dreams tend to be positive. We dream of vacations, of promotions, of world peace and a child who pays for their own insurance. They are often visions of an unspecified future, of how we hope the world will be tomorrow, next year, or simply someday. Dreams pull us forward, give us hope, and remind us that tomorrow is always a new day.

Expectations tend to be neutral. We expect a promotion and expect rejection. We expect dinner to be ready when we get home and expect an 8.3% average annual return on our IRA. They are visions of how we know the world will be at a specific time in the future. Expectations allow us to operate today as if tomorrow were not uncertain.

Both dreams and expectations are part of our lives. We run into trouble, however, when our expectations overwhelm our dreams. When our view of the future is framed in expectations, disappointment is nearly guaranteed. Where dreams keep us hopeful, expectations can lead to cynicism, as the world almost never unfolds the way we "know" it will.

So where are you at? Do you have expectations or dreams? What areas of your future need to be shifted from one category to the other?

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

There are no right answers to the wrong questions

The title of this post is one of my favorite quotations, sometimes attributed to Ursula K LeGuin. I am reminded of it at work nearly every day. My colleagues are engineers and scientists, wired and trained to find answers. My mind works the same. Pose a question and the thinking, analyzing, calculating, and answer-finding begins immediately.

The trouble is, if the wrong question is asked, then no matter what answer we come up with, it will be "wrong." It will not be helpful, it may point us in a bad direction, it may simply be meaningless.

How much time are you devoting to asking the right questions? Answers are easy. But you need to ask the right question if you want the right answer.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The definition of maturity

Having children is a good way to be confronted with my own immaturity. It is far too easy to watch them behave childishly (as toddlers are wont to do) and suddently realize that there is not much difference between their behavior and mine sometimes.

This train of thought got me to defining maturity. We all know maturity when we see it, but what does it really mean? I propose the following definition.
Maturity is the willingness and ability to take responsibility for myself.
Responsibility is the key. I am mature when I take responsibility for my feelings, my circumstances, my thoughts, and my actions. I do not whine, complain, or pass blame. For this to happen, I need both the ability and the willingness to use that ability. There are far too many adults who have the mental and emotional faculties to take responsibility, but simply do not.

Since I started thinking about this, I have been amazed to realize how often I pass on taking responsibility, at least internally. It turns out that I am not quite as mature as I thought I was.

What do you think? Does this definition hit the mark?

Monday, December 14, 2009

Changing the Payoff


I realized that yesterday's post on "easy" vs. "right" choices had some underlying assumptions that might make my closing question a bit easier to answer. I defined "right" choices as having a better long-term result, or payoff, than "easy" choices. In order for an "easy" choice to be easy, though, it must have the higher short-term payoff. So the question was poorly phrased. Rather than looking at "easy" and "right" choices, it may be more helpful to look at short-term and long-term payoffs.

Using the exercise vs. sleeping in example, the "easy" choice of sleeping has the short-term payoff of peace, rest, warmth, comfort, etc. The long-term payoff is atrophied muscles, weight gain, loss of energy, etc. The "right" choice of going for a run has the short-term payoff of physical discomfort (to varying degrees) and the long-term payoff of health and vitality. It is clear that in the short-term, the obvious choice is sleeping in, while in the long-term, the obvious choice is exercising.

So to redefine my question, is there ever a case where both the short-term and long-term payoffs of a choice are superior to those of the other options?

Phrased this way, it seems a bit less rhetorical than "right" vs. "easy" and it seems logical that short and long-term payoffs may coincide sometimes (though not as often as I would like). More importantly, however, it helps us figure out how to convert the "right" choice into the "easy" choice. Simply change the payoffs.

This is the foundation of nearly every motivational trick, system, or strategy in existence. Accountability partners and groups are one of the best ways to change behavior (Weight Watchers, AA, etc.) because they change the payoff of the easy choice, adding elements of pride, shame, public disappointment, and camaraderie to the mix. By making the choice about more than just a drink or a dessert, it changes the payoff to make the "right" choice easier.

Once the payoffs are understood, and we accept the fact that our tendency is to choose the short-term over the long-term benefits, the power of the choice is back in our own hands. How will you change your payoffs?

(Photo credit to rigor789)

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Is easy ever right?


I have written before about making hard choices, usually involving delayed gratification. It seems that nearly all the time, the easy thing to do is not the one with the greatest long-term pay-off.

Watching TV is easier than reading to my kids.

Eating ice cream is easier than eating green beans.

Withdrawing is easier than engaging in relationships.

Sleeping in is easier than going for a run at 5:00.

Giving in is easier than standing firm.

So this has me wondering...is the easy choice ever the best one? Or even a particularly good one? If the easy choice is never the best choice, it simplifies life a bit. Looking at all the choices, throw out the easiest couple and you know the outcome will be better. If it sometimes is, then I want to have lots of those kinds of choices.

Any ideas? Can easy ever be right? If so, how do I get there?

(Photo credit to lidge_34)

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Yes Man


One of my recent Netflix movies was Jim Carrey's Yes Man. The movie is based on Danny Wallace's book (no relation) of the same title in which the main character decides to say "yes" to everything. In the movie, that "yes" ranges from giving money to a beggar to signing up for persianwifefinder.com to approving every loan applied for. As a result, his life explodes with vitality, adventure, excitement, and romance. There are some negative consequences that need to be worked out at the end, but overall the message is the same. Be open to life, say "yes," and you will find blessings you have never imagined.

What I found interesting was the contrast between this advice and most of what I read about in the realm of productivity and stress reduction. Most experts say that we say "yes" far too often, leaving ourselves overworked, overcommitted, overscheduled, and overstressed. Their advice is to say "no" far more often to open up margin and enjoy life more fully.

So which is it? If I want to experience the most out of life, do I say "yes" or do I say "no?" The answer, as it often is, is both. We are limited in our time and energy, so the demands of the world have to be limited. The world will never limit them for us, which is why we must say "no." We must say it a lot and guard our priorities. The purpose of that is not to avoid things, though. The purpose of saying "no" is to free us up to give a resounding "yes" when the right requests come.

Those right requests may be from your son wanting to read The Monster at the End of This Book for the sixth time...in the last 30 minutes. Or it could come from a random colleague who wants to have lunch. Or from anywhere else. They could be opportunities that you know are important. They could be opportunities that you are not sure about. Because you have said "no," though, you have the freedom to say "yes" to whatever life sends your way.

"Yes" and "no" are both powerful words. Use them wisely, the results may well amaze you.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters

I just finished Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Meg Meeker (as an aside, I love starting and finishing a book so fast that it doesn't make it onto the sidebar list). I was pretty underwhelmed by the writing. It seemed a little random and disjointed, without a particularly coherent flow throughout.

That said, it still brought tears to my eyes a number of times. Not because of the powerful writing, but simply because she talks about the dangers my daughter will face as she grows up in the world. It made me want to lock her in her room and let her out when she's 25...maybe.

The book comes down to one message. A girl's dad is the primary force for good in her life, standing between her and the negative influence of the world (peers, media, her own emotions, etc.). Fathers abdicate that responsibility not at their own peril, but at hers.

Sobering stuff. I would recommend it to any dad with a daughter. The book is an excellent and humbling reminder of the power of fatherhood. I would also be curious to hear from women about the influence of your fathers. Does Meeker overplay a dad's importance? Or would you agree with her?

Thursday, December 10, 2009

All knowledge is limited

I was in a class last week being taught by an expert. He is a professor at the University of Texas, has worked in his field for over 35 years, and has written a seminal textbook on the subject. In the accompanying electronic material, there was a scanned version of his slides from 20 years ago...when they actually were slides. He knows his stuff.

Then in the middle of the day, he made a remarkable statement. He said, "I don't know why..." What was remarkable about this statement is I knew exactly why. I could have given a 15 minute lecture on why, except that it seemed so basic and fundamental a concept to me that it should simply be given and not need any explanation.

I realized that this expert, who knows more than I ever will about his field, is missing basic knowledge about something closely related. Knowledge that I have. Thinking about this has led me to three conclusions.
  1. I know more than I give myself credit for.
  2. What seems obvious to me is not necessarily obvious to all.
  3. Others' knowledge will always far exceed my own in most areas.
These observations apply to all of us, not just me. It should give us a healthy dose of confidence and humility. Remember that your knowledge is limited, and so is everyone else's, so always remember to share freely and listen gratefully.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Coming Home Late

Last night I came home late from work. About two hours later than usual. When I walked through the door, the kids were done with their baths, pajamas were on, and 2/3 were on their way toward bed. I hugged them, kissed, them, laid them down, and walked out of their room. Then it hit me.

I was five minutes away from not seeing two of my kids at all today.

If I had delayed leaving work just five minutes, if there had been just a little more traffic, then it would not have mattered to them if I was in Africa...our day would not have involved each other at all. It kind of scared me.

It turns out that I am more fortunate than I thought to get to see my kids for a couple hours every evening. For those of you who miss that involuntarily, I am so sorry. For those that miss it voluntarily, I pity you. You are missing out on the whole point of having kids...your kids.

When I get home tonight, there will be screaming. There will be laughing. There will be fighting and playing and lots of noise. Some nights it is all a little overwhelming. At least tonight, though, I am going to love it.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

The Dancing Organization


We are currently reorganizing at work. This means we are taking a bunch of boxes with lines between them and making a different pattern. There is still hierarchy and a clear top-down structure. The bosses are still in charge and those below them do what they say. This is the traditional organization, the way it has always been done.

Watching the dance floor at a recent wedding made me realize, though, that there are other ways to organize. I am not sure how to put this into practice, but what if organizations were run more like dance parties? In essence...self-organizing chaos?

In this organization, there would not be bosses, there would be DJ's, providing the music that sets the mood and pace of the group. Context is defined, but not structure. The "music" taps into the shared psyche of the group, uniting and encouraging ongoing movement, but not dictating anything.

The individuals in a dancing organization would be free to improvise, but under the influence of others. Movement is initiated by some, and followed by most, with smaller groups forming and breaking up as needed. No consistent leader exists, but initiators come and go.

What do you think? Could a dancing organization exist? Would you want to work in one?

(Photo credit to Matt Andrews Photo)

Monday, December 07, 2009

The Effects of Success


Success leads to two things:
  1. Momentum
  2. Pressure
Success can lead to more success...momentum. Success also leads to the expectation for success...pressure. The chances of continued success are related to the balance between these two forces. Is there enough momentum to overcome the tendency to crack under pressure? Or will the pressure be too much and overwhelm the momentum?

I am tempted to look for a way to decouple the two, but I think that search would be in vain. We are better served by being aware of them and finding the right balance for our own lives. Would you disagree?

(Photo credit to MonteRosa83)

    Sunday, December 06, 2009

    The Power of the Limit

    I recently wrote that I am inspired by extremes. Part of the reason is that I am a pretty moderate guy and I admire those that are willing to put it all on the line. The bigger part of the reason, though, is what the extremes can teach us about living in the middle more effectively.

    In engineering, we talk about solving a problem "at the limit." For example, given an equation to solve, we determine the solution if x = 0. Or we look at the solution if x = infinity. Those problems are almost always easier to solve, which is nice, but they also give the limits for the solution. That is, if x is anywhere between 0 and infinity (and it often is), then the solution lies between the two limit solutions as well. By looking at the limits, we learn about the middle.

    The same applies in our lives. Tim Ferriss became famous a couple years ago with a book called The Four Hour Workweek. In it, he talks about extreme strategies for maintaining your job (that is, income) while working only four hours a week. This is a solution near the limit. It is extreme, and very few of us will ever be able to support our families on four hours a week of work. However, the book is still useful because it forces us to think about how to cut down on work so that more time is available for other things. Cutting a workweek from 50 hours to 40 hours is not extreme, but the extreme can help show you how to do it.

    Other extremes that can get your mind going:
    • What would my life look like if I were independently wealthy?
    • How would I structure my day if I did not need to sleep at all?
    • What would my priorities be if I knew I would live forever? If I knew I had 3 months?
    • How could I plan a week-long vacation with a budget of $50?
    • What would I do with 6 months of vacation every year?
    • What would happen if I said "yes" to every request for a month? What about "no"?
    By thinking about the extremes, it is amazing how the options open up in the middle. What extremes have you contemplated? How has that affected your life?

    (Photo credit to Cristóbal Alvarado Minic. Bonus to those who can identify the equation without clicking on it.)

    Saturday, December 05, 2009

    Relative Blessings


    It snowed yesterday. In Houston. Real white stuff is accumulating on the grass and rooftops. This is not normal.

    People are going crazy. Businesses and schools are closing, grown men are acting like kids on Christmas morning, and global warming skeptics are making bad jokes.

    For us, right now, snow is an amazing thing. Yet for those of you living a few hundred miles north or a few thousand miles south, snow is just part of winter life. It is not particularly exciting (at least 0.5" of accumulation isn't) or noteworthy. If anything, it can be an annoyance.

    Which brings me to my point. Blessings are relative. An event is special only in context. I am blessed not by what I receive, but by what I receive in contrast to what I was expecting.

    What are you expecting this Christmas season? Are you setting yourself up to be blessed? Or are your expectations getting in the way of your blessings?

    Merry Christmas, and Happy Snow Day to you all!

    (Photo credit to zerind)

    Friday, December 04, 2009

    Coming home

    I have been particularly enjoying one of the highlights of fatherhood this week. When I come in the door from work, I am greeted by my 18 month old daughter running to me with a giant grin on her face, laughing all the way. Whatever else happened that day at work, good or bad, is generally forgotten, at least for a few seconds.

    Chaos generally reigns in our home, and sometimes it stresses us all out. Seeing a little girl run (well, toddle quickly) across the house, just because I came home...that somehow makes it all good.

    Thursday, December 03, 2009

    The Freedom of Ritual

    Rituals bring freedom.

    That is not a statement you hear very often. The rituals I am talking about are not centuries-old religious formalities, though. These rituals are the ones that happen every day in our lives.

    I learned this from my recent read of The Power of Full Engagement. They contrasted self-discipline with ritual. Self-discipline requires effort, rituals do not. Rituals simply happen. Brushing your teeth is a ritual. Bathing is a ritual. These are things that we (most of us) do automatically, without thinking. It takes no mental effort or energy.

    Starting an exercise program, though, requires discipline. Dieting...discipline. Starting any habit takes discipline and enormous effort, which is why it is so hard and new habits often do not stick around long.

    How to use this information, then? Stop trying to be disciplined and start building rituals. Be boring. Do the same thing, at the same time, every day. Make it a ritual, not a discipline, and the chances of it happening over the long haul go way up.

    Of course, discipline will still be required initially, but you want to get through that phase as fast as possible. And the freedom? How does boring repetetive behavior lead to freedom? Simple: when you are doing the healthy baseline behaviors that you want to do (supporting your mind, body, and spirit), then all that energy is free to be used for anything else you want.

    Rituals bring freedom. Do you buy it? Give it a try and let me know what you find.

    Wednesday, December 02, 2009

    What inspires me?




    I recently posted about inspiration and I was not quite sure what inspired me. Having thought about that question for a week or so now, I have a couple answers.





    1.  Extremity. I am inspired by people that take normal life and push it way beyond normal. Ultramarathon runners, mountain climbers, organization freaks, competitive eaters, and the like. My tendency is toward going with the flow and extreme people inspire me to push my boundaries a little bit, putting in the effort to get more out of life.
    2. Contradiction. I am also inspired by people that embody contradictions. The humble billionaire, the Christian hedonist, the boxing pacifist. These folks are similar to the extremists in that they push outside the normal, breaking the boundaries of what is considered to be acceptable. They form a new reality from combining apparently antithetical positions. Again, I am inspired to push beyond my tendency to be lazy and embrace variety and contradiction.
     (Photo credit to Lapicero)

    Tuesday, December 01, 2009

    Deliberate Use of Time

    Here's some meta-quoting for you that has me thinking. Scott Young quoting Gary Vaynerchunk responding to a reader asking how to find the time to do what you love:
    You work your 9-5, go home, spend 2 hours with the family and then crush it from 7-2. Everyone has time, just stop watching fucking Lost.
    Scott posted this a couple weeks ago, but after watching 6 straight episodes of Leverage on Netflix Saturday, I was reminded of it. I don't agree with Gary's specific time slots, but I also don't think the numbers are the point. The point is how we use our time, either deliberately or casually.

    This is not my first post on this topic, but it is something that is easy to forget. With a little less sleep, a little more efficient shower, a little less TV, and a lot more intentionality, most of us have an hour or so that we can track down every day. What if I devoted that hour, every day, to doing something meaningful?

    One hour today, seven hours this week, thirty hours this month, 350 hours this year.

    What could I build? What could I learn? Whose life could I transform?

    Leverage is a good show. But I'm not sure it's that good.

    Monday, November 30, 2009

    What good is learning?

    I am currently listening to a Game Theory course from Open Yale during my commutes and enjoying it immensly. I had heard of Game Theory, but had no idea what it actually was until this course. At a little over half-way through 20+ hours of lecture, I can at least tell you what Game Theory generally means.

    In addition to the general idea of Game Theory, I can also tell you right now what a Nash Equilibrium is, how to determine evolutionary stability, and the method for calculating the best mixed strategy response. Pretty cool, huh?

    The trouble is, if you ask me about those things in 6 months, will I even have a clue what you are talking about? Maybe. More importantly, will I have made use of any of those concepts in my life? Probably not.

    So why am I learning them now? For Game Theory to be relevant to life, I would need to do it a lot...far more than 20 hours of lecture, even if I was doing the homework. The same could be said of most of my college courses and most books I have read. The long-term impact of most seems to be small, at least counted in what facts I know and what skills I posess.

    So why bother? Why learn at all? I can think of a few reasons, but the topic seems worthy of more thought and discussion than a simple blog post. Here is where I start:
    • I like learning. New information is fun for me.
    • Learning exercises my brain. When I run regularly, walking up stairs is easier. When I learn regularly, the thinking that I get paid for (i.e. work) is easier.
    • Some learning is better than none. By flooding myself with 20 hours of Game Theory, I may retain 15 minutes. Getting those 15 minutes may be worth the 20 hours.
    • Learning is a saturation process. Those 15 minutes cannot be obtained in less than 20 hours (or some such ratio). Learning requires a lot of input for a little to stick around.
    What do you think? Why do you learn?

    Sunday, November 29, 2009

    The Asymmetry of Discipline

    Self-discipline turns out to be a funny thing. Discipline and lack thereof work differently, that is, their existence in one area of life has different consequences on the rest of life. They have different spheres of influence; they are asymmetrical.

    For example, when I am self-disciplined in my eating habits (not this past weekend), I must also be self-disciplined in exercise and bedtimes. Effective discipline in one makes the others slightly easier (discipline becomes easier with practice...in general), but it does not remove the need for effort and discipline. Discipline in one area does not lead automatically to discipline in others.

    On the flip side, lack of discipline in one area has a large area of influence. When I am not disciplined in my eating, it becomes easy, almost a given, that I will watch more TV, exercise less, and be more of a slacker. Lack of discipline in one area leads nearly always to lack of discipline in others.

    This is asymmetrical and frustrating. It also implies that effort spent eliminating the lack of discipline may have a larger overall payoff than efforts spent increasing specific discipline. Elimination of gluttony may be more helpful overall than strict dieting.

    Discipline is on my mind these days, so there is likely more to come later. In the meantime, does this match your experience? How do you deal with discipline (and lack thereof)?

    Saturday, November 28, 2009

    Can hard work be a natural talent?

    One of the ideas I found in Wooden on Leadership is common among coaches. It could be paraphrased something like this.
    You can't do anything about it if they are taller than you, but it's your fault if they work harder.
    The implication is that genetics handed me my height (or body type or inherent speed or whatever), but I can choose how hard I work, my determination, my character. Does this really make sense, though?

    We all know the value of hard work. Put in more effort, and (generally) we get more rewards. We all want more rewards, and we would all (for the most part) prefer the longer-term rewards that result from hard work than the short-term rewards of sloth. Why is there such a disparity in how hard we actually work, then?

    Some people appear to have a greater work ethic than others. They seem to more easily put off pleasure now for rewards later, and seem hard to distract from the task at hand. Others (I find myself in this latter category most of the time) hardly think past the next meal, let alone the resultant heart attack from a fast-food diet 30 years from now. Given the choice between hard work or blowing it off until tomorrow, such folks (we) take procrastination.

    Is there perhaps a natural limit to our work ethic, then? Resulting from nature or nurture, am I limited in how hard I can work, just as I am limited in how fast I can run and how tall I will grow? Can such limits be extended to other elements of character? Self-discipline, kindness, generosity, contentment?

    I do not have an answer to this question. More importantly, perhaps, I do not know what I would do with an answer. Would this give me an excuse to slack off, knowing that I have reached my natural limit? Or inspire me to work harder to reach that limit and perhaps prove it a little bit wrong? Do you think our character has limits? What would that imply for you?

    Friday, November 27, 2009

    Oscillation

    As we all (in the US) recover from Thanksgiving, I am thinking about oscillation. The idea of moving between two points, back and forth, in some sort of rhythm. They talk about this in The Power of Full Engagement, increasing energy reserves and strength through cycles of stress and recovery. Today we are recovering from yesterday's stress of gluttony and hopefully not repeating it too much.

    The central point in the book is that our optimum energy building comes from properly balancing stress and recovery, neither overtraining (too much stress) nor undertraining (too much recovery). It is a challenging notion, since our lives run linearly so often. At work, we work hard all day long, with barely time to eat lunch. Or perhaps we hardly work at all, doing the minimum to get by. I have done both, and they both leave me exhausted at the end of the day.

    Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, we need stress, effort, and exertion to test our muscles and force more from ourselves than we thought possible. Then we need recovery to rebuild and regroup for the next effort. Too much of either one and we burn out or atrophy. The right balance and the sky is the limit.

    I tend to undertrain in most areas. How about you? How are you oscillating?

    Thursday, November 26, 2009

    Mountain Meal

    Another reprint of an old Toastmasters speech from the Storytelling manual. Happy Thanksgiving!



    I’ve celebrated Thanksgiving in many places.  There was a Denny’s in San Diego.  And that time that power went out in Seattle and my family ate by candlelight at the only open restaurant within 60 miles.  I’ve eaten Thanksgiving dinner at my in-laws, my parents, with grandparents, aunts, and uncles.  I’ve even celebrated that most American of holidays in a tiny apartment in Germany, complete with turkey and apple pie.

    But one of the most memorable Thanksgivings happened in 2002, on top of a mountain.  I had just moved away from Austin to Atlanta, and my good friend Dan and I planned a reunion backpacking trip.  We decided to meet generally half-way in Arkansas, the Ozarks.  In addition to the two of us, we also invited Mike and Jodi, who are now married, and Erin, whom I later married.  We didn’t know it at the time, but romance was in the air that trip.

    Our meeting place was at the foot of White Rock Mountain, near Fort Smith, Arkansas.  Erin and I arrived first and shivered in the dark until the other three showed up.  The night was bitterly cold, the wind was blowing, and it wasn’t long before we turned in.  It felt late, but was probably only about 7:30.  Night comes early and hard in the mountains in late November.

    While the others rolled into their tents, I looked about for a bare patch of ground.  Because you see there’s a slight complication when backpacking with 5 people…most tents are made for two.  So with Dan and Mike in one and Jodi and Erin in the other, it left me out in the cold…literally.  Fortunately, this was a time in my life when I was going a little bit crazy when it came to backpacking.  I had decided to be an ultralighter.  Ultralight backpacking is based on the idea that you should give up as much as possible…good food, comfort, warmth, whatever in order to carry as little as possible.  So to save my knees, I was carrying 3 days worth of gear and food in a 25 pound bag smaller than most school backpacks.  This included a bivy sack, essentially a waterproof liner for your sleeping bag that has all the advantages of a tent, except for the room, comfort, and aesthetics.

    But that’s enough whining.  I made it through the night, and felt like all the more of a man for it.  Thanksgiving morning dawned bright and clear, and we packed up (me in about 3 minutes, everyone else in 30) and set off down the trail.  So while millions of Americans were waking early to start the turkey, or sleeping in and dreaming of the Madden multi-legged turkey, or staking out deer blinds in the forests, we were hiking in the Ozarks, majestic views of mountain valleys clearly seen between leaf-free trees.

    That’s right, I did say deer blinds.  We were hiking at the height of deer season, so not only did we feel a little out of place wearing big backpacks, we also got to wear obnoxious orange vests.  Better that than getting mistaken for a 12-point buck, at least.

    The 6 mile hike to the top of White Rock Mountain took most of the day, and we enjoyed every bit of it, always looking forward to the feast we had planned at the end of the day.  For you see, we weren’t skipping the traditional Thanksgiving meal, we were just planning to eat it on top of the mountain.

    And eat we did.  Our main course was ham, presliced and grilled on the backpacking stove.  The meal was eaten in courses, since we only had one stove, so instant mashed potatoes were next.  Canned candied yams provided some more starch and a little sweet, and can of green beans was a nice substitute for the traditional green-bean casserole.  By this time, we were all stuffed, as is appropriate for Thanksgiving, and gazing contentedly at the rising moon.  But all this was simply the prelude for my backcountry masterpiece dessert…cheesecake.

    Thanks to modern technology, you can get just about anything in a can or a box.  There’s a mix for everything from jambalaya to brownies to pancakes to chicken alfredo.  But the one that I enjoy most is the combination of my two favorite things in the world…Jello and Cheesecake.  Jello instant cheesecake doesn’t really taste like cheesecake, but it’s not pudding or Jello or anything else, either.  But it is perfect for a backpacking dessert.  After all, it includes everything you need, and the only preparation is really to mix the powder with some water and let it chill.  Chilling was no problem on this 40 degree night, and mixing…how hard could that be?

    Well, we didn’t have an electric mixer, or even just electricity, so we had to improvise on the directions immediately.  The instructions said to mix this stuff for like 6 hours on high…tough to do.  So as a compromise, we decided on the shaking method.  We had 1-liter, wide-mouth Nalgene bottles that would hold the water and powder perfectly.  Capped off, they could be shaken as long as needed and then poured out into the tasty graham-cracker crust.  So we combined everything and set to shaking.  And shaking.  And shaking and shaking and shaking.  We each got a turn.  Finally, it looked like it was beginning to mix well and it was time to pour.  Here’s where our naivete came into sharp focus.

    The directions were to beat and pour and chill.  They assumed you’d be in your air conditioned kitchen…70, 75 degrees for the mixing and pouring, the fridge for the chilling.  We, on the other hand, managed to do our mixing in the fridge, so to speak.  So the Nalgene bottle, which had a plenty wide mouth when it came to pouring water, became a trap for our cheesecake.  Have you ever seen the traps they set for monkeys, where they put a piece of fruit in a box with a hole that’s wide enough to reach into, but when the monkey makes a fist, the hole’s too small?  The monkey won’t drop the fruit to retrieve his hand, and is easily captured.  This was kind of like that, as we struggled for the next hour to extract the maximum cheesecake-stuff from a now-tiny bottle using at best a spoon that reached halfway in.

    Needless to say, my dessert plan didn’t work quite the way I intended.  But that night, we crawled into bed, them in tents and me in my bivy sack, stuffed and satisfied, content that we had shared a Thanksgiving meal that few others had…traditional home cooking on top of a mountain.

    The remainder of the trip passed quickly.  We had beautiful scenery, we ate filling freeze-dried meals, and didn’t get shot by any of the hunters we saw.  But at the end, we ran into a site that made me stop and think.  There in the hillside, high above the road where our car was parked, was a dug-out cabin.  A natural cave had been further hollowed out and the entrance blocked in with stones to form a mountain home that was long abandoned.  And it occurred to me that the man who lived there would have thought nothing of ham and yams and mashed potatoes in the mountains.  He may have looked at us quizzically with the cheesecake, but with most of the rest, I realized that our recreation was his daily life.  I guess the world comes full-circle sometimes, and I wonder what do we do now, that 100 years from now will be for our great grand-children, their “mountain meal?”

    Wednesday, November 25, 2009

    Transformational Leadership

    The Matrix of Leadership cannot be found, it must be earned.
    Thus saith the Ancient Primes to Sam, hapless nerd/hero of the Transformers movie franchise. Sam, of course, earned the Matrix of Leadership, or else Optimus Prime would remain dead and The Fallen would have destroyed the sun. So we can say thank-you to Sam.

    How did he earn the Matrix, though? It was not through any particular bravery (he gets called a little girl by his girlfriend) or desire to save the world (he turned down Optimus' offer for that earlier). Two things earned Sam the Matrix of Leadership: loyalty and hope.

    He was loyal to the Autobots, and specifically his friend Optimus to the end, risking his life and the life of his family to save him. He then maintained hope that Optimus could be saved, even when all others had given up and the method of salvation itself had dissolved into dust.

    Leaders should listen to this. Among the 638 other attributes that the leadership literature says leaders need, here are two that even a second-rate summer blockbuster can make clear. Be loyal to your friends and your people. Never give up hope. If a leader betrays, or a leader loses, hope, there is nothing left for the followers. Earn the Matrix of Leadership, and you may not save the sun, but you will be a better leader.

    Tuesday, November 24, 2009

    What inspires you?

    Recently my friend Phil posted about some inspiring posters. Phil is a talented graphic designer, and it makes sense that cool posters inspire him (they're cool, but don't do the same thing for me).  What they did make me think about is what does inspire me. It turned out to be a hard question that I'm still working on.

    Most of what I read and watch educates and entertains me. Basically, I feed my mind (or numb it...I make no claim to any educational value associated with Heroes). What is missing, though, is what feeds my soul. What inspries me to reach beyond myself to something bigger, grander, better?

    It's a humbling question. Like I said, I'm still working on it. What about you? What inspires you?

    Monday, November 23, 2009

    On tantrums

    My toddlers throw tantrums. Lots of them, it seems. Some are justified, like when their sister steals their juice or when their brother uses their head as a bongo drum. Most of the time, though, they are completely uncalled for. At least from my perspective.

    When a child asks for a muffin and gets a different piece than what he was pointing at, I have little sympathy for the kicking and screaming. When they ask for music and it takes me 10 seconds longer to turn it on than they wanted, there is even less pity. It is clear to me that they are missing the big picture, and getting themselves worked up over nothing.

    So the question, as always, is how am I any different? I do less screaming, but I think mostly because it hurts my ears. Adults tend toward pouting, in general. When my promotion happens a year later than I think it should, do I turn bitter about my job (just pretend this is purely hypothetical)? If my car breaks down (due to lack of proactive maintenance on my part), do I shake my fist at fate?

    My tantrums are generally not as loud as my kids, but I might be more prone to missing the big picture than I would like to think. Kids can be hard on the ego sometimes.

    Sunday, November 22, 2009

    Rules of Thumb

    I just finished Alan Webber's Rules of Thumb. I liked it for a couple reasons. The first is that each chapter covers one of 52 rules of thumb. Each one is short and self-contained. That makes it easy to read in bits and spurts while watching kids...a big plus for a book these days.

    The second is how he validates carrying 3x5 cards in your pocket. The rules that the book covers are simply bits of business wisdom that Webber has picked up over the years and recorded on 3x5 cards that he carries with him everywhere. My father does the same thing, and I never really understood it...until I started to as well.

    The 3x5 card is not really the point. The point is that our brains are pretty bad at actually remembering things. Which means when you have an idea, or read a powerful quote, or hear a rule of thumb, you better write it down...pronto. Use 3x5 cards, a Moleskine journal, an iPhone app, whatever. Just write it down.

    Who knows, maybe someday you can write a book.

    Saturday, November 21, 2009

    How is your energy?

    I just recently finished reading The Power of Full Engagement by Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz. The basic thesis: energy management is the key to high performance. This post has little to add to that, because I think they pretty much nailed it. The whole book is worth reading, but for now, here is a brief synopsis of the four "energies".
    1. Physical. Is your body forming the right foundation for the rest of your life? You do need your body to do everything (including desk work), so keeping it working right is the first step. Sleep, eat, exercise.
    2. Emotional. Are you positive or negative? One leads to greater energy, the other does not. Choose wisely.
    3. Mental. How focused are you? Can you bring your mind to bear on what is required, be it detail or big picture? 
    4. Spiritual. Are you connected to purpose and values? Without spiritual connections, all other energy flails without meaning.
    There is no magic in their division, but I am finding it helpful to understand how I am using energy and how to develop more. Energy is key, how is yours?

    Friday, November 20, 2009

    What's your agenda?

    Most meetings should have an agenda. Why are you there, what are you trying to accomplish, how long it will take. That is just good business.

    Sometimes, though, an agenda is the last thing you need. The purpose of the meeting is just to be together, and what happens is what happens. Lunch with a friend, or breakfast with your spouse are often like that. The point is the person, not the meeting.

    We run into trouble when we mix the two. No agendas at work lead to wasted time, since the people are not that important, and nothing gets accomplished. Having an agenda when you are romancing your wife is also a bad idea, it turns out (what, you don't want to look over our budget during dinner?).

    So think about it before the meeting. If it needs an agenda, get one or cancel the meeting. If it does not, drop your preconceived notions. Just do not get confused.

    Thursday, November 19, 2009

    5 reasons to make everyone in your company reapply for their job

    1. Your maximum productivity targets are being exceeded.
    2. Morale is uncomfortably high.
    3. You lack the organizational will to cut staff strategically.
    4. Unintended consequences are your cup of tea (they're like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're going to get).
    5. The reorganization was moving too quickly and you'd prefer to drag it out.

    Wednesday, November 18, 2009

    Safety first...after you show you care.

    At Shell, we are big on safety. We have big programs and we talk about it a lot and we are serious about it. We have to be. Our job is to extract, transport, process, and sell some of the most flammable, explosive, and toxic chemicals on earth. Safety matters, big time.

    Yet sometimes all the talk falls flat. Sometimes it feels rote, like our leaders talk about safety because they are supposed to, not because they really care whether everyone goes home in the same condition they came to work in. Why is that? How can something so important end up sounding insincere?

    I think it is because we all get cynical. All the talk about safety can quickly become a matter of statistics, lost time, and bad press. If that is all my leadership seems to care about, then I am not going to believe they really care about my personal safety...only their own stats. It is only when I believe they care about me as a person will I believe that they care about my health as more than a means of production. Only then will I buy into the safety programs and whatnot.

    This is a key lesson for all leadership, it seems. If you want people to care about what you care about, care about them first. When they believe that you have their best interests in mind, or at the very least are aware of their interests, they are willing to listen and perhaps get on board with your leadership. If they think you are not interested in them, it is unlikely they will be interested in you.

    Tuesday, November 17, 2009

    Why?

    Of all the question words, I like "why" the best. Why?
    Who asks about people.
    What asks about facts.
    How asks about methods.
    Where asks about locations.
    When asks about times.
    Why asks about purpose.
    Knowing why leads to the others. Tell me why your company exists and it is easy to figure out what you sell to whom. It doesn't work the other way around.

    Who, what, where, when, and how all have objective answers (whether you know them or not). Why is subjective, pointing to underlying motives.

    Why has power. Without a reason, without a purpose, the who is aimless, the what is meaningless, the how is mechanical, the where and when are arbitrary.

    Why is multi-dimensional. As any 4-year-old knows, there is no limit to the number of times you can ask why. There is always a reason behind the reason.

    Why makes us human. The search for purpose separates us from animals who care only about the what, the who, the where, the when, and the how (relating to food and sex, primarily...not that we don't care about those, too...we just add the why).

    That's why I like why.

    Monday, November 16, 2009

    Emotional Control

    The New York Times recently published an article about yelling at your kids that I discovered through a couple blogs that I follow (Nathan's and Digital Dads). It opens up a nice debate about various forms of discipline, but that is not exactly what it got me thinking about.

    I started thinking about why we discipline. There are lots of good reasons, and lots of bad ones. One of the reasons in between is to "control" our children. I think it is good that parents have accountability for what their kids do in public. I do not think it is good if parents expect their kids to be perfectly responsive robots.

    In the end, though, we cannot control our children. Like it or not, they are independent (and often willful) individuals. We can intimidate, encourage, coerce, bribe, threaten, punish, and cajole, but never control. In fact, the only thing we can control is...us.

    So that brings me back to the question of discipline methods. I am averse (not immune) to yelling not because it is ineffective, but because it demonstrates a loss of emotional control. Spanking is arguably legitimate discipline...if used in an emotionally controlled environment. Uncontrolled emotional spanking is little different than plain physical abuse.

    I think that the key to effective discipline is not the method, but the source. It is ok to feel emotions. It is not ok to let the emotions control me. If I am controlling my emotions, discipline will work. If my kids are controlling my emotions, and my emotions are controlling me, discipline fails.

    This is my thinking based on 2 years of fatherhood with 3 kids. What's your experience?

    Sunday, November 15, 2009

    Magical Mystery Tour (aka Marriage Key #2)

    While I'm in the mode of giving advice I'm not qualified to give, I thought I'd share another key to a happy marriage. (Editor's note: if you are looking for a legitimate marriage blog, check out Simple Marriage.)

    I was thinking about the romance of new love. How a couple can talk for hours on the phone or over dinner, endlessly fascinated by each other. What is it that drives that happy couple? I think the key is mystery.

    We all love the unknown in some way. We are fascinated by it, romanticize it, dream about it. The known is mundane. Comfortable, perhaps, but generally dull. We know what has happened, what is happening, what is going to happen. There is no mystery in daily life.

    Yet that is exactly what a marriage needs to stay fresh. There must be a sense that there is something about our spouse we do not yet know...some dream, some habit, some past experience, some fear. With that sense of mystery, we are compelled to talk, explore, learn, and become one.

    The challenge of this is that after a few years, it becomes easy to assume we know everything already. There is nothing new, and no reason to talk for hours. No reason to pursue, no reason to romanticize or dream. When we think that, it does not demonstrate knowledge, it reveals ignorance. Allow me an analogy.

    To me, English Literature seems pretty straightforward. Authors wrote books that we read and then talk about plot and character and stuff like that. In fact, I have read Shakespeare and Dickens and Poe and even enjoyed it. I would say that there is actually very little to learn there. Does this show that I know all there is to know about English Lit?

    Absolutely not. An English Lit professor would put me to shame with her explanation of the depth of the subject and quickly demonstrate my ignorance. Plus, she would likely then confess that there is more she does not know than what she does. Her knowledge humbles her to realize the depth of her field, which can never be seen by an outsider.

    The same is true of our spouses. The more we know, the more we should be humbled about what we do not know. No human being can be completely known in a lifetime. And if you are reading this, I know you have known your spouse well short of that.

    You are married to a mystery. Explore it fully, and never forget that there is more to discover around the next bend.

    Saturday, November 14, 2009

    Frustrating kids

    I was sobered the other day by my children. They were frustrating me, annoying me, getting on my nerves. Whatever I wanted to happen, didn't, and whatever I didn't want to happen, did. Messes, tantrums, whining, ARGH!

    I thought I was even-keeled. I thought I could go with the flow. I thought I was calm, relaxed, laid-back, and mellow. Then I had kids.

    Is it their fault? When I am frustrated, does it point to some rebellious, disobedient spirit in them? Maybe. As I thought about it, though, probably not most of the time.

    Most of the time, they are being kids. There are three of them between 17 and 29 months old. That is not a recipe for calm...ever. So when I am frustrated, if it is not their fault, who does that leave?

    Me.

    My frustration says far more about my need for growth and maturity than it does about theirs. How am I being selfish? How am I finding my worth in their behavior? How am I valuing quiet compliance over their unique hearts?

    It amazes me what they can teach without the ability to form coherent sentances most of the time. My kids frustrate me sometimes; maybe I can learn to be a better man through it.