For PETER's Sake!

The following is the script of a speech I gave for a Toastmasters Humerous Speech Contest a few years ago. Not originally written for the blog, but originally written by me. I came in second to a guy talking about kissing. It's hard to beat the Muslim who jokes about polygamy. May reading it bring you small fraction of the fun I had writing it.


For PETER's Sake!
A great evil is sweeping across our land.  An evil that is made all the more insidious by the complacency of so many people.  Mr. Contest Master, fellow Toastmasters, honored guests, I thank you for providing me the opportunity to speak to you today.  I stand before you a sad but determined man.  My dream is to persuade you of this evil that pervades our nation, but failing that, I hope to at least plant the seed in your minds so that one day, you will think twice before participating yourself.  My name is David Wallace, and I stand here today on behalf of the group I have recently founded, PETER.  People for the Ethical Treatment of Edible Roots.

Some call me the Potato Prophet.  They mean that term to be demeaning, degrading…but I wear it with pride.  How could I not be honored to be associated with that most noble tuber, the potato?  For millennia, the potato has sustained human civilization by its sacrifice from the mountains of Peru to the hills of Ireland to the plains of Idaho.  Yet how do we repay this sacrifice?  We continue to cut, chop, chip, slice, dice, peel, puree, maim, mash, bake, boil, fry and destroy millions of potatoes every year.

Friends, imagine what it is like to spend your entire life underground, never knowing the joy of a sunrise or the beauty of a sunset, the pleasure of a fresh breeze upon your skin.  And then, one day, you are pulled from your place of darkness.  At last, a ray of hope, of light!  Yet your hopes are dashed as your eyes are gouged out, your skin peeled away, your naked body sliced into long slivers and dropped into a pot of boiling oil.

What is this?  This behavior we associate with the Dark Ages of human history!  We might expect this from the French, with their “French Fries,” but here?  In modern America?  This barbarism is simply not acceptable in a civilized society like ours!  Have we no compassion?  I know I am not the only one in this room who counts Mr. Potato Head as a lifelong friend!  Yet we continue to treat his friends and relatives worse than we would treat our own mothers-in-law.

And potatoes are only the beginning.  Every day, in kitchens across this land, edible roots are massacred by the thousands.  From the common carrot to the much maligned rutabaga to the exotic mashua, edible roots suffer in mind-numbing, horrible, indescribable ways.

You think I’m crazy, don’t you?  Others have said as much.  But deep down you feel their pain, just as I do.  Have you not cried at the scream of the onion?  The anti-root lobby and their allies among the vicious vegetarians have spread lies for years about chemicals and irritants to try to disguise the true tragedy of the sliced onion.  Even strong men tear up at the sight of that maimed root, but it is not because of chemicals, but because of the agony that we feel below the level of feeling at the death of so fine a root.

I know that the truth I speak of is a stretch for many of you.  Your mothers told you that eating carrots is good for your eyes.  “Finish your potatoes,” she said.  “There are starving children in Africa who’d kill for such food!”  But did she acknowledge the carnage in her own kitchen?  Oh no.  Sure, potatoes are a good source of carbohydrates.  Sure, carrots might help you see better!  I don’t argue with their nutritional value, but that is a moot point.  Your baby brother would have been a good source of protein, but did Mom recommend eating little Johnny?  I think not.  No, the root of the issue (so to speak) is the kind of society you want to live in.  Do you want to live in a world where we personify edible roots for fun during the day, giving them to our children to play with, then mince them at night, give them cute names like “tater tots” right before devouring them with blood-like catsup?

Fellow human beings, I appeal to you as brothers and sisters on this planet that we share with so many other worthy living things.  If you have any compassion, any shred of humanity in you, the next time you look a potato in the eye, will you see into his soul?  The next time an onion crosses your path, will you cry before he is cut?  Please, I beg of you.  The fact that a root is edible does not mean that it should be eaten.  Will you join the cause of PETER?  Will you become a Person for the Ethical Treatment of Edible Roots?  Will you join me on this crusade?  The carrots are crying out.  The yams are yelling.  The turnips are terrified.  Please, the potatoes need you.