Learn - Love - Lead - Live

2010 year in review - literary edition

2010-12-31T22:37:00.002-06:00

Fifty.

That was the goal, and on December 26, I finished Oil by Upton Sinclair, my 50th book of 2010.

I shared this goal a while back as a way to motivate myself to keep learning. It worked. I learned, for example, about

The 14th Century (A Distant Mirror by Barbara Tuckman)
Running (ChiRunning by Danny Dreyer)
Randomness (The Black Swan by Nassim Taleb)
Lewis and Clark (Undaunted Courage by Stephen Ambrose)
Ebola (The Hot Zone by Richard Preston)
Leadership (Next Generation Leadership by Andy Stanley, among others)
Philosophy (Plato and a Platypus Walk Into a Bar... by Cathcart and Klein)
Social networking, childhood disorders, personal finance, communication, trans-racial adoption, evolving definitions of manhood, etc.

The fastest reads took only a day. The longest was about 10 months. The average, obviously, was about a week. Many of the books were in audio form, allowing me to make good use of commute time. One was on a Kindle. Most were borrowed from the library.

When I set the goal of 50 books, I wasn't sure if it was reasonable, or even possible, what with three kids and all. I'm a fast reader, though, and having the goal kept me focused on continuing to read. Like any discipline, just keeping at it is the most helpful thing.

The thing that struck me toward the end of the year, though, was how many more books I haven't read than those I have. 50 is a small number next to the 10 on my bedside table, the 87 on my library list, and the 130+ on my Amazon list. Taleb (in The Black Swan), talks about the importance of the unread books. So I'm OK with having more unread books than read ones, but for 2011, I am making more specific goals than a simple number. In the interest of public accountability, here are 2011's book goals:

25 books by dead people. This will force me out of my tendency to read fluffy business books and encourage a little more intensity of material. (Note that while this does allow me to count Peter Drucker and Robert Jordan, I am counting on my good faith to not abuse them for the sake of the goal.) Specifically, I'd like to include at least

The Old and New Testaments (counts as 2 books, not 66)
One Shakespearean play
One classic Greek drama/tragedy/comedy
One 19th Century British
One Russian
One Southern writer (I may not actually be able to stomach this)
One famous philosopher
One church father

3 books on personal finance
3 books on parenting
3 books on energy
3 books on marriage
All the books currently on my nightstand

That totals to 47, though there will be some overlap between categories. The rules are the same, I have to "read" the whole book, and finish it during 2011's calendar year. Audio books are encouraged, and the Kindle will play a much bigger role now that I have one of my very own. The clock starts in 90 minutes. Game on.

This post has been pretty self-centered, and there's probably not much here for others to actually read. With a quarterly posting schedule, I don't count on many readers anyway. If you've made it this far, though, I'd love to hear what your read in 2010, what your plans are for 2011, and if you've got any recommendations for my list. Happy New Year, and happy reading.

PS - For those who are curious, the complete list in order of completion can be found here. I've put my top five recommendations in italics, though there are plenty of good ones on there (and a few I'd skip). If you'd like additional thoughts on any of them, let me know.

Spiritual Constipation

2010-03-31T09:08:00.000-05:00

The human digestive system works on a simple principle. Food goes in, waste goes out. Along the way, the body is nourished. Sometimes, though, something goes wrong and constipation results. Food goes in, nothing comes out. Along the way, the body hurts. Pain is a clear signal of malfunction.

The human spirit works on a similar principle. Food goes in, fruit goes out. Along the way, the spirit is nourished. Sometimes, though, something goes wrong and spiritual constipation results. Food goes in, nothing comes out. Along the way, the spirit hurts, but the signal it sends is more subtle than physical pain...(more)

This article was written for Lucid Magazine. Click here to read the rest of it and check out the other cool stuff.

How are you learning?

2010-03-25T21:04:00.001-05:00

50 books.

That's my reading goal for 2010. In addition to blogs, magazines, and whatever else, my goal is to read 50 books by year-end. No limits on the genre, length, or quality...just 50 books. With 13 to date in the 1st quarter, I'm on track.

I have chosen this goal because books open up new worlds to me. New ideas, new facts, new ways of thinking; they all come to me through books. I read for entertainment, but above all, I read to learn. Learning leads to growth, and without growth, there is only decay. So despite all the demands on my time, I read.

The point of this post is not, however, to impress you with my reading goal (many people read more). Nor is it to encourage you to read more (though I think that's always a good idea). Rather, it is a question of learning. Specifically,

How are you learning?

If not through books, what? How? Are you listening to Open University courses? Online training sessions? Attending lectures? Blogs, magazines, newspapers?

Life keeps moving. The only way to keep up is to grow, and without learning, there is no growth. How are you keeping up? How are you learning?

(That last question is not rhetorical. I know how I'm learning, and I'm curious...how are you learning?)

On Connection

2010-02-14T20:46:00.002-06:00

In the age of the internet, connectivity is everywhere. There are hundreds of apps and websites all seeking to connect us with others. It seems, as well, that this is something we desire. If we didn't care about connection, Web 2.0 would never have begun, let alone thrived. Yet, is there a limit? Can we be too connected?

There is only one way to find out (for an engineer). Derive the equation for the system and see if there is a maximum. Pretty easy, except that we are dealing with humans, not atoms, so there will have to be some approximation. So, simplifying it down, I propose the Connection Index (CI).

Connection Index = number of connections * average quality of each connection

I also propose that each of us desires to maximize our CI. Since the equation is straightforward, maximization of CI involves increasing the number of connections and/or their quality. It gets complicated when we consider that one of those factors is easy to both influence and measure, while the other is not.

As a result of man's aversion to complexity, we are therefore drawn to the simple factor: number of connections. We know that a single connection makes us feel good, so we strive to increase the number of connections, knowing that more connections leads to greater CI (assuming constant quality). Since we are ignoring quality because it is too complex, we might as well assume it is constant. So we have more Twitter followers, more Facebook friends, and more LinkedIn connections, each one linearly increasing our CI...right?

Clearly, this logic breaks down. A short pause is all it takes to realize that my 350th friend on Facebook does not have the same quality of connection that I do with my wife (at least, they better not). So if the average quality of each connection is not the same, our assumption of constant average quality may not be as valid as we would like to think.

Imagine, for example that you have one connection with your soul mate. Your best friend in the entire world. One connection times a very high average quality equals a high CI. Now add another connection of an old classmate whom you have not seen in 15 years (a common Facebook occurrence). Very little connection quality, dragging the average quality of connections down significantly. But the number doubled, so the overall CI likely went up a bit, since the connection with your soul mate is unaffected by this new Facebook friend. So far, so good...Facebook has increased our CI.

Continue the thought experiment for a while, now. More and more people friend you on Facebook. One introduces you to Twitter and mentions LinkedIn. MySpace looks interesting, as does Tumblr. Google throws in Wave and Buzz. Connections (and the platforms that facilitate them) are multiplying rapidly. Which is good, since more connections leads to greater CI...right?

This is where it gets sticky. All those connections are clamoring for time and attention. On Facebook, your spouse gets equal screen time with your college roommates who compete with your clients on LinkedIn. Simply having a connection requires something of you, and that something has to come from somewhere. That somewhere will eventually be from the time and attention spent on your soul mate, that first and strongest connection. At first, that is no big deal. But soon, a loss of time will lead to a loss of quality in that connection, and CI begins to drop.

By this reasoning, at some point, additional connections begin to reduce the average quality more than can be compensated by the added connection. CI starts dropping, and will continue to drop with more connections, likely accelerating as we try to compensate for the negative feeling of a lower CI with a greater number of connections. (Remember our focus on the easy part of the equation? Plus, it worked up until now, right?)

So where does that leave us? In an ever downward spiral of reaching for something that is fleeing from us faster than we can pursue it. Once CI begins to drop, the only way to stop the bleeding is to defy instinct and stop. Don't add more friends, don't join another network, just stop.

Then focus on the other half of the equation. Rather than increasing numbers, increase the quality. Spend more time with your spouse, face-to-face with friends. Invest in the connections you have, and maybe even cut off some of those that are wasting your time.

The index is what matters. Stop stressing quantity and make the quality happen.

Today, Haiti, Tomorrow...Haiti?

2010-01-17T20:26:00.002-06:00

We are all aware of the Haitian humanitarian crisis. Many of us have given to various organizations that are helping to provide relief to a country desperately in need. I want to challenge you, however, to consider aid to Haiti in a new light.

According to the CIA World Factbook, Haiti's per capita income is $1,300 annually, ranking it 203rd in the world (out of 229). Inflation is 15.5% (194th highest in the world) and unemployment is not even reported as a number, rather as "widespread unemployment and underemployment; more than two-thirds of the labor force do not have formal jobs." These numbers are from well before the recent earthquake.

A tremendous amount of aid will pour into the country over the next few months. After that, our memories will fade, the money will dry up, and then what? Will more than half of Haitians finally be employed? Not likely. Recovery from disaster is hard...recovery from endemic poverty is nearly impossible.

So I want to challenge you to join me and my family in making a commitment that goes beyond a text message. For the past four years, we have been sponsoring Robendy through Compassion International. Robendy lives in Haiti and happens to have been born exactly 8 years to the day before our twins. He lives on the side of the island away from the worst of the damage, but beyond that, we know no more than you do about his current fate. He was our first thought on hearing about the earthquake.

Sponsorship is different than giving to disaster relief. Instead of a chunk of cash now, sponsorship is spread out over time, a steady drip of help to those in need. It keeps us engaged, and though the contributions are automated, we are constantly reminded through letters, updates, and bank statements that we are involved, every day, in what happens in Haiti.

Compassion is not the only organization that has a sponsorship model. Haiti is not the only country in the world with poverty. So I don't really care if you give through Compassion, and I don't particularly care if you give to Haiti. I do care that you make a commitment beyond the headlines. Haiti will need us next year, just like they did last year. Will you be there?

Click here to access Compassion International's sponsorship page.
Click here to access Compassion International's Haitian disaster relief page.

PS - I did no research into other organizations for this post. If you have one you would recommend, please mention it in the comments. Also, if you have a sponsorship story, I would love to hear it.

(Photo credit to Compassion International)

Grand Adventures in Fatherhood

2010-01-08T13:00:00.000-06:00

I have big dreams. Laying in bed, I dream about quitting my job and hiking the Appalachian Trail. I dream about running marathons...no, make that ultramarathons. I dream of taking a trip around the world, or just a month-long backpack through Australia. I dream of writing a book and starting a business and becoming a master cabinetmaker. The world is full of grand adventures, just waiting for me to get out of bed and get started.

Then my 18-month-old son wakes up crying. He wakes up his twin sister, and they start a chorus. So I climb out of bed, fill sippy cups with milk, and try to wake up before their 2.5-year-old brother gets out of bed. Soon enough, the volume level in the house increases ten-fold and I am reading Who Says Woof for the 10th time in a row while dreams of grand adventures fade quickly into the background.

Daily life with three kids under three can quickly become monotonous. They fight...again. They make up and play sweetly together...again. They yell, they eat, they throw food, they throw toys, we read board books...again. The dreams of a grand adventure grow bigger while the reality seems further and further away.

But does it have to be this way? Is fatherhood incompatible with the grand adventures of life? Of course not. Grand adventures are there, they just take a little more work. Here's how to make them happen.

No excuses.
When my second and third kids were born, my wife and I made a commitment that our kids would not be an excuse. Having toddlers does not excuse me from exercising, reading, blogging, traveling, or anything else. Never use your kids as an excuse to withdraw from the world or to postpone your dreams. By making excuses, we make our kids responsible for our lives, and it's not their problem. You are still the one responsible for you, and having kids does not change that.
Get real.
At the same time, we're responsible for them now, too. We have to be honest. Do you know who you are, who your wife is, who your kids are? Do you know energy levels, abilities to endure change, or physical requirements? Having three kids is different than having one. Having a 2-year-old is different than having a 12-year-old. A child with Down's Syndrome has different challenges than one with autism. You have to know the real boundaries in your life.
Keep dreaming.
The one thing that kids never do is prevent us from dreaming. In fact, they can expand the dreams. Now I not only dream of running a marathon, I dream of running a marathon with a triple-stroller. I dream not just of re-learning to play the piano, but of playing a duet with my son. Keep dreaming and imagining the greatest life possible for you and your family.
Focus.
Dreams are fun. Dreams lived out are even more fun. The trouble is, even without kids, trying to live all our dreams is a recipe for frustration. There is simply not enough time/money/energy to do them all. So focus. Pick one that you will commit to making happen. By taking the dreams one at a time, you can bring everything you have to bear on it and make it happen.
Be creative.
Once you have the dream and a realistic view of the world, it's time to get creative. How can they fit together? How can you find time to read? Where will the money for plane tickets come from? How can you build that sleigh bed without risking your 3-year-old's fingers in the table saw? You have defined a problem clearly and have committed to not making excuses. There is a solution. It just requires some creativity to find it.
Recruit help.
If you can achieve your dream on your own, then it's not a very big one. Small dreams are fine, but if you're dreaming big, you're going to need some help. The first person to recruit is your wife. If she isn't on your side, there are other blogs you should be reading. If your kids are old enough, recruit them. Look for other dads, in real life and online. Look for people who can support you physically (babysitting), emotionally (encouraging your dream), and mentally (helping brainstorm solutions). If you go it alone, you will likely fail. If you recruit help, you increase the chances of living the dream, and strengthen relationships along the way.
Go.
The last step is the hardest. You just have to do it. You have to buy the tickets, leave the house, and get on the plane with all three kids. All the dreaming and planning is meaningless until you go, take action, and live the dream.

Finally, there is a mental shift that happens. Men, in particular, are wired for big things, action things. We want to build, move, take action and have an impact. Our dreams tend in those directions. Fatherhood changes the game a little, though. Rocking a newborn to sleep at 3 in the morning is not bold. Listening to a 6-year-old's piano recital is not dramatic. Picking a 12-year-old up from school does not make the news.

This is where the shift happens, though. My son's excitement to see the elephant's bath at the zoo, my daughter's squealing when I come home after work, or my kids spontaneously saying "I love you" does things in my heart that no other dream can ever do. Fatherhood is the grandest of grand adventures. As you take action to make your other dreams happen, remember that simply being "Dad" is the greatest dream of all.

Now go and live it.

(Photo credit to jbrindes)

The End (of 2009)

2009-12-31T12:31:00.002-06:00

Between 10/19/06 and 8/24/09, I wrote six posts for this blog. I officially relaunched on 8/25/09 and have since written over twenty times that number, with this post being number 130. My reason for blogging is to help refine my thinking, and to give myself an outlet for all the input that I am inclined to gather. Since output is not natural for me, I decided to follow Seth's lead (in posting rate, not quality of content) and require daily posts through the end of the year. The end has now come.

I learned through the process that there is a lot to write about. Ideas were never a problem. I also learned that writing every day is good for me. It is enjoyable, and has succeeded in forcing me to think. However, it turns out that while writing every day is good, publishing every day is a little much. There were a few good posts, a few bad ones, and a lot of middling ones. The pace eliminated much possibility of editing, and first drafts generally are not that good. That is the nature of writing, but there is no need for me to subject you to it.

So going forward I will no longer require daily posting of myself. It is a bit of a relief. We'll have to see what actually happens. (Note that there is no implication that the quality will increase when quantity diminishes.)

Enough about me, what about you? While I write primarily for myself, I appreciate readers as well. Are you deriving any value? Does it matter to you whether I continue writing or not? If so, are there topics that you would like to see more or less of? Leave a comment and let me know.

So that closes out 2009. Happy New Year, celebrate wildly, drive safely, and I'll see you on the other side.

Best books of 2009

2009-12-30T12:30:00.012-06:00

As 2009 draws to a close, I thought I would look back at the books I have read this year. My reading tends to cover a pretty broad range, so instead of picking a single set of "best" books, I will give the award in several categories. To be on this list, the book must meet two criteria:

I must have read (or listened to, in the case of audiobooks) the book in its entirety, and completed it in the 2009 calendar year. I am in the middle of a couple right now that would make the list if I were to finish them before December 31. I won't, though, so they can go on next year's list. This limits the candidate pool to about 35 books.
The book must be worth reading. By using categories, I could easily recommend everything ("Best Book to Read After All Quality Literature is Confiscated"), but I won't. If it is on this list, it won't waste your time.

Best Book for Getting Your Butt Off the Couch
Born to Run by Christopher McDougall
I wrote about a lack of inspiration before reading this book. I then read it and was inspired. McDougall tells the story of a tribe of Native Americans who run. A lot. He talks about humanity's prehistoric running and the possibility that we (Homo Sapiens) out-competed the Neanderthals because we were better distance runners. Most amazingly, he describes a persistence hunt, where African bushmen literally run an antelope to death. It made me want to run a marathon, and no book (or anything else) has ever done that before.

Best Book for Learning What Everyone Should Know
Basic Economics by Thomas Friedman
Most of what I have to say about Friedman's book, I have already said. I tweeted at one point that no one should be allowed to have an opinion about anything until they have read this book. That stance is a little strong, but it is a decent place to start. Life involves trade-offs, and economics is the science of those trade-offs. If you do not have a basic grasp of those, the reality of the world will smack down anything you attempt. Everyone should already know this stuff, but very few people talk like they do. Don't be in the majority on this one.

Best Book for Reading about Writing
On Writing by Stephen King
I have never read any of King's fiction, and do not really plan to. His genre does not appeal to me, but his philosophy of writing is well written. He says little that others have not said, but he says it as well as anyone. Read a lot, write what you care about, and write a lot. He probably implies a greater likelihood of success than is really out there, but otherwise he is dead on. It applies to most of life, too. Work hard at what you care about, and the rest will follow.

Best Book for Rethinking Education
Weapons of Mass Instruction by John Taylor Gatto
I posted a couple snarky items inspired by this book (here and here). I cannot say I am particularly proud of them, but the book's immediate effect was to really get me down on institutional schooling (including, but not limited to, public schools). As a product of America's public school system, the book made me feel shortchanged. Gatto is an evangelist, and preaches hard. The reason to read this book is not, however, to pull your kids out of public school and join a commune. The book forces us to think about things that we normally do not, but are very important. What is education? Why do we go to school? Why bother learning at all? What should we learn? No matter what education decisions you make for your kids, you owe it to them to make the decisions consciously, and this book will not let you do otherwise.

Best Cookbook
The Breath of a Wok by Grace Young and Alan Richardson
My family gave me a wok for my birthday earlier this year, which I had wanted for a while. This book came from the library to train me in the art of wok cooking. A random selection that was a wonderful experience to read and cook from. I posted about it here, and of all the wok-books I have read, it still remains the most inspiring and useful.

Best Books for Dads
Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Meg Meeker and The Way of the Wild Heart by John Eldredge
Since I have had kids, I have tried to channel some of my reading into learning about being the dad they deserve. I have a long ways to go. I am learning, though. I have both sons and a daughter, so I read books this year covering both of them. I described Meeker's book earlier. Eldredge's book is both for fathers and men in general, following up on his earlier Wild at Heart. This one goes into detail about the stages of the masculine journey and how we can lead our sons (and ourselves) through them. The translation of Eldredge's ideas from his (apparently) idyllic Colorado mountain ranch to the suburbs of Houston is always difficult for me, but the effort is worthwhile. Intentionality in raising our kids is always better than simply going with the flow.

Best Book by Dad
Spycraft by Robert Wallace and Keith Melton
My dad has written three books, and Spycraft is the best of them (though I have only started the third). It tells the story of the Office of Technical Services (OTS), the CIA's gadget-geeks, from the 1940's to the 1990's. Operations are described with a focus on the cool gear, making much of the book read like a James Bond film told by Q. The Cuban prison chapter is worth the price of the book on its own. Plus, if you're looking for an autographed copy, I can probably arrange something.

Best Book to Make You Stop Reading This Blog
The Tyranny of Email by John Freeman
The final book in the list, and one of the last books I read this year (it was a Christmas gift), may have the least literary value, but the biggest impact on my day-to-day life. It is a call to slow down communication and unplug from the internet just a little bit. I wrote more about it here, and some of the other thoughts it raised here and here.

In the end, I hope you do not stop reading my blog. If you do, though, I hope it is to make time for books like these. Books open the world in a way blogs and Twitter and cable news never can, and we all need more of them in our lives. Read. A lot. And let me know what your best books of 2009 were. I'm always looking for ideas.

Manly Men and Womanly Women

2009-12-29T12:29:00.002-06:00

I recently discovered The Art of Manliness. The blog is focused on recapturing more traditional roles and characteristics of men, without reverting to any 1950's chauvanistic stereotypes. It has been interesting to read, since the only folks that I had heard about previously trying to clarify gender roles in any traditional manner have been evangelical Christians. This blog appears to have little or no religious leaning at all.

An article that caught my eye recently was titled "What can manly men expect of women?" There was not much of an answer in there, mostly just the question. There may be some interesting responses in the comments, but I have not gone back to read those yet. Here I have nothing new to add other than to reiterate the question in a slightly different way. What does the female equivalent of a manly man look like? Who is a womanly woman today?

The easy answer for some is to quote Proverbs 31. That's fine, but I suspect that doesn't work easily for all women. Just like my manliness is no longer defined by my ability to shoot a deer or trap a rabbit for dinner, making your family's clothes no longer seems like a useful yardstick for womanliness.

I have no answer to this, given my lack of study and/or experience being a woman. With my 18 month old daughter sitting in my lap right now, though, it seems a useful topic to learn more about. So I would love to hear your thoughts. What does it mean to be a womanly woman in the 21st century?

The Tyranny of Email

2009-12-28T12:28:00.000-06:00

I just finished The Tyranny of Email by John Freeman. It prompted the last couple of posts, so a review of sorts seems worthwhile.

Summary: The communication patterns resulting from internet connectivity (primarily represented by email) are unlike anything humans have ever encountered before, and they are killing us.

That message is not particularly novel, complaints about email are nearly as ubiquitous as email itself. Nor is the last chapter of advice for dealing with it anything that has not been written on productivity blogs for years. That said, you should read it.

The core of the book traces the development of communication, primarily examining the speed with which we have been able to exchange information. Freeman writes well, making the story interesting and engaging. Most importantly, it puts the last 15 years of the internet into a little bit of context, which is an angle I have not read elsewhere.

As a result, the call for slowing down communication at the end has greater weight than that from a techno-phobe or productivity guru. In light of how we are wired, constant, rapid-fire communication appears to have no benefit and plenty of detriments to our social and psychological well-being.

Read the book, slow down, and talk to someone without a keyboard.

Real-life Friends

2009-12-27T12:27:00.001-06:00

Most of us have a lot of friends. We know a lot of people by their first names, we know a lot about what is happening in a lot of others' lives. Most of those people, though, we rarely see face-to-face. Kind of ironic that they call the thing "Face"book, huh?

Following up on yesterday's post, I am thinking about the relationships behind the news. The prevalence of news relies on rapid dissemination, which means the written word broadcast over the internet. Nothing else packs as much factual information into the short time we have to consume it. So as we are innundated with news, it becomes a requirement that we spend more time on reading written stuff (with occasional pictures) than on talking and listening.

Scott (see, I know him by his first name!) posted recently about how friendships are formed. He argues that shared experiences trump shared values every time. Most college roommates and comrades-in-arms would agree. While he uses an online example to show this, I think it is a rare thing for an experience to be shared with someone in another room or country, even in today's connected world.

So in this new Web 2.0 world of social media, who are your real friends? Who have you had dinner with lately, or trusted to watch your kids? Who sees your tears and hears your laughter? Who shares your life beyond consuming your broadcasts?

Our real friends are not our Twitter followers and Facebook friends (though overlap is certainly possible). We all acknowledge this intellectually, but do we embrace it really? Do we spend as much time cultivating even just one real friendship as we do a hundred or a thousand virtual ones? To put a blunt point on it, when it hits the fan, who will visit the hospital, look after your kids, bring you a meal, or just tell you the truth you don't want to hear?

As we enjoy the amazing awesomeness that is the Internet, let us not lose sight of real life. For what good is it for a man to gain the whole world wide web, yet forfeit his real soul?

News Gluttony

2009-12-26T12:26:00.001-06:00

Reading through a Christmas gift, I came upon the story of the second telegram sent by Samuel Morse, "HAVE YOU ANY NEWS?" It (along with the rest of the book) has me thinking about the nature of news.

We seem to be wired for news. Stories of the past often involve isolated towns or homes eagerly awaiting letters or visitors or messengers bringing news. In general, news is something that comes from outside, something that we have not personally been a part of. My birthday party is not news to me, but yours (which I was unable to attend) is.

For most of human history, news was a rare thing. We got news only occasionally, and it was a treat, like a special dessert on holidays. The balance between our own experience (non-news) and that of others (news) was decidedly on the side of non-news.

Today, all this has changed. Thanks to the internet, news is everywhere. Nearly by definition, the internet is all news. Every email I receive, every blog I read, every Facebook album I browse is someone else's experience, that is, news to me. We are awash with news and are compelled to generate it ourselves, sending email and posting to blogs, Facebook, Twitter, and forums. The balance of our lives has shifted, significantly, away from non-news.

So I wonder, can we handle it? Our tendency to crave fat and sugar has gone from a benefit in a lean agricultural economy to a detriment in the land of buffets and drive-thrus. Is our craving for news any different? Does the constant stream of news help us live better lives? Or is it contributing to mental gluttony with effects we cannot foresee (health impacts of extra weight have only recently been determined, after all)? Is one of those effects the erosion of the non-news part of our lives, the part that we are actually experiencing, not just reading about?

I am not the first to ask this question. This is the first time I have phrased it to myself in this way, though. It is making me think. How about you?

A Country Christmas

2009-12-25T12:25:00.002-06:00

Another holiday, another old Toastmasters speech. Reading this now brings mixed emotions as my family celebrates our first Christmas since Grandma's death. This was always her favorite holiday. While we miss her, she would never want us to hold back the celebration. So Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Night!

The air was frigid. Not bitter, but bracing, refreshing. I lay on my back looking up at the stars, amazed at their clarity, each one a blazing fire, but somehow the heat was left behind as the light traveled across the vastness of space to meet me in the middle of nowhere. OK, it wasn’t exactly the middle of nowhere, but it was real close, the middle of Kansas; Barnard, Kansas to be specific. My grandfather was born there, my dad was born there, my uncle still lives there, and for me, that little town of 103 is Christmas.

As I lay there, a 10-year old boy amazed by stars unseen in the city, Christmas Eve festivities were ongoing inside. We were, as always, at the old homestead, the home my great-grandfather built over a century ago. In it he and his wife raised 7 burly boys and one very tough girl, most of who carried on the family tradition of farming the fertile Kansas fields. My grandfather was the eldest of those 8, and at the time I was stargazing, he was the patriarch of the brood. Inside, he would have been occupying the recliner of honor overseeing the celebration.

The house was never actually big enough for the original 10 residents, let alone the 60 that were bursting from the seams that evening. Three or four generations of Wallaces celebrate in that house every year, and though some pass on or move away, others enter by birth or marriage. The house is always warm, almost claustrophobic, but with a palpable aura of love and family that I experience nowhere else.

Thinking back, it’s not hard to recall the menu that night, because it’s always been the same. Two or three of the women bustle about in the kitchen, serving hot chili and potato soup that warms both body and soul. While you’re there, you can pick up some iced tea (unsweetened in the Midwest), lemonade, or water. Coffee is available later on in the evening. Turkey and ham sandwiches are made with rolls so white and soft that they hardly require chewing, and the whole thing is held together by dollops of full-fat mayonnaise. Grandma always supplies the bottomless popcorn tin, a family favorite that is always begun, but never seems to get finished. Debra can be relied on to supply “shorty”, a family recipe that somehow manages to produce a bread-like food from nearly pure lard. Although traditionally always requested, you can count on seeing it again at dinner Christmas day. And long before Jello Jigglers, finger Jello was a staple, red and green translucent cubes that slide down your throat as fast as you’re willing to consume them. Innumerable cookies, crackers, cheese and the ever-present sweet pickles round out the informal meal.

Later in the evening, when everyone has eaten their full and the soup ladles scrape bottom; I would be back inside for the carols. In a family with 42 first cousins, several managed to achieve musical talent, and one leads us on the piano as careworn carol sheets are found and passed around. Everyone is encouraged to pick their favorites to sing, although those under the age of 10 seem to have inordinate influence on the song selection.

Sometime during the singing, you can count on Santa Claus appearing, riding in from the night in his Mercury Cougar sled. His pillow-gut and polyester beard are not always in the best of shape, but everyone looks forward to his visit and the candy he carries. It doesn’t matter if you’re 8 or 80, he’s sure to encourage general good behavior and scold the bad (and he seems to find particular delight scolding those older than him). With a final Merry Christmas and a ho, ho, ho, he departs, off to destinations unknown.

When the night is over, we say our goodbyes and return to grandma’s house, and attempt to sleep before the big Christmas morning. For now, however, I was content to look at the stars, blazing balls that appear so tiny and bright. For a city boy, the clear nights of the country are an uncommon and awe-inspiring sight. But the true brightness, and what draws me back each year, is what was inside; the love of my family, the warmth of tradition, and the simple down-home comfort of a true country Christmas.

The Tipping Point of Faith

2009-12-24T12:24:00.012-06:00

I have recently been enjoying an Open Yale course on game theory. The professor is entertaining and the subject fascinating. The last several lectures have been covering Nash Equilibria , those states of a game where no player can gain an advantage by changing their strategy or choice. This concept can help in understanding the best responses for each player and where the end state of a game could end up. An extension of the idea is that where two equilibria exist in a game, there may be a tipping point where different equilibria are favored depending on which side you are on.

As a geographic analogy, consider the Continental Divide. It is the tipping point in directing water in North America. Rain falling to the east ends up in the equilibrium known as the Atlantic, and rain to the west ends up in the Pacific.

As I was listening to this, it occurred to me that Nash Equilibrium could be a good description of something I have experienced and witnessed in the area of spirituality and faith. I think that the payoff for any given belief system could be crudely modeled like the following graph.

The scale runs from no belief on the left to complete belief on the right, with shades of belief in between. The vertical axis is the pay-off in terms of contentment, joy, happiness, peace, whatever.

At the far left, a non-believer is at peace with their decision. They operate free of the obligations and rewards of the belief system, choosing to do what works for them (possibly a different faith) and are therefore happy with life.

At the far right, a true believer is at peace with their decision. They are comfortable within the structure of the belief system, are privy to the rewards (community, eternal confidence, etc.) and are therefore happy with life.

In between are most people. Taking the evangelical Christian system as an example, these are the folks who claim belief in God, but never show up for church. Or the people who are in church but asleep. Or who open their Bibles only during Sunday school. Or who display an unopened Bible prominently on their coffee table. All of these folks are riding the fence in one way or another.

To bring back the Game Theory, the Nash Equilibria are, of course, on either extreme. The payoff is maximized at full belief or full non-belief. A rational player (one who is looking to maximize payoff) will always be forced to one side or the other, though the theory does not make any claim as to which side is preferred.

Faith is not generally amenable to mathematical analysis or simplified Game Theory. So clearly this does not tell the whole story. It does, however, remind us of something that gets easily hidden in the bustle of everyday life. Is our faith real? And if it is not, should we keep playing games? Are we happy in the middle, or does something need to change?

I would love to hear your where you stand on the questions or the theory. Leave a comment and let me know what you're thinking.

(picture credit to R. Brown)

Conversion of a group class skeptic

2009-12-23T12:23:00.004-06:00

Stages of Conversion

Skepticism - "Group classes...whatever. I prefer working out alone."
Curiosity - "I wonder what they're doing in there..."
Trial - "He said it was pretty good...I'll check it out tomorrow."
Arrogance - "Crunches? That's it? I'll show them how it's done."
Exhaustion - "Pant...pant...pant...wheeze."
Denial - "Two more sets?!? Are you serious?"
Collapse - "..."
Pain - "Captain's log, T+3 days. Able to get out of bed without groaning this morning. Hoping to be able to stand upright tomorrow."
Conversion - "See you next week!"

(Note: Stages based on my experience with Abs Blast + Total Body Workout at the company gym. Your mileage may vary.)

(Photo credit to Urban Active Fitness)

I will teach you to be rich

2009-12-22T12:22:00.008-06:00

Ramit Sethi wrote a book titled I Will Teach You To Be Rich. He maintains a blog of the same title. I know relatively little about him or his writing, but the little I have read seems positive (the recent post about money lies made a lot of sense to me). More importantly, he makes several strong points in his title alone.

"Teach"
Being rich can be taught. It is not something that we are born with or without. What he teaches may be easier for some than for others, but rich or poor are not predetermined...we have control over learning one or the other. Teaching also requires our own responsibility. Sethi makes no claim to be able to "make" you rich, just teach you how to be rich.
"Be"
Being is harder and more important than becoming. It is one thing to work hard for a year or two at reducing spending and making more money. It is something else entirely to maintain that for a lifetime and be rich, not just get rich.
"Rich"
The goal is not wealth. The goal is not money, bank accounts, yachts, or anything else. The goal is to be rich. Having a rich life is one that is full. Money is a tool to obtaining a rich life, not the rich life itself.

I think his stuff is worth checking out. Let me know what you think.

Give a little grace

2009-12-21T12:21:00.001-06:00

This morning my son woke up "in a mood." He got up earlier than usual. He had lots of demands, but could not be satisfied. He wailed for no reason that I could figure out. The only thing that made him happy was to be held. OK, I can do that, except it makes it difficult to pack my lunch and eat breakfast and all the other things I normally do while he is still asleep. So I put him down briefly, with the intent to pick him back up 20 seconds later. He wailed, and I responded,

"Give me a little grace here, son."

I was not meaning to be profound, but it struck me as I said that how little grace kids give, how much they need, and how I am not very different.

I am quick to assume that others are out to get me, or that they simply do not care. If my wife is short with me, or if my boss overlooks my good work, I take it personally. The fact that she is sick or he was dealing with his father's death never enter my thoughts. I give no grace; I leave no room for error.

Yet on the other side, I always have an excuse. "I didn't mean it." "I was going to pick you up as soon as I poured my cereal." "My calendar didn't sync." "I have a headache the size of whale." Cut me some slack here, I'm doing my best. Just give me a little grace...please.

Remember, grace flows both ways. The only flow you and I control, though, is the one that originates with us. Maybe you have no struggle with this. For the rest of us, though, I challenge us today to just give a little grace.

Shut up.

2009-12-20T12:20:00.000-06:00

I was in a first aid class a few weeks ago when the instructor dropped a line that was worth writing down.

Sometimes you need to shut up and let wisdom show up.

The context has left me, but the quote has not. It seems to apply in most of life. Rarely do we discover wisdom through talking. The archetypical wise man is never chatty. Talking and thinking rarely go together.

What about "thinking out-loud," though? I know that sometimes I can get clearer in my thinking through talking. Does that not contradict the wisdom of shutting up? I don't think so. The benefit I get from thinking out loud usually comes from hearing how foolish I sound. It turns out to be a good idea to do most of my out-loud thinking by myself.

Like much of my life, I find the application with my kids. Too often, if I speak quickly, I am bound to say something foolish. Even at 18 and 30 months, my kids can often figure out for themselves when they are misbehaving and what to do about it. My talking, particularly before giving wisdom enough time to show up, rarely helps.

So the challenge to us today is clear. Shut up. Hard to do, but rarely a bad idea.

(Photo credit to kandath)

Francois Fenelon on Time

2009-12-19T12:19:00.002-06:00

In response to a recent post on time, a friend sent me a quote from Francois Fenelon. Never heard of him? Neither had I. The quote reminds us that human nature hasn't changed much in the last few hundred years. Our lack of time and tendency to waste it is not a digital phenomenon. This is what this French theologian said in the 1600s:

Time is precious, but we do not know yet how precious it really is. We will only know when we are no longer able to take advantage of it. Our friends ask for our time as if it were nothing, and we give it as if it were nothing. Often, our time is our own responsibility; we do not know what to do with it, and we become overwhelmed as a result. The day will come when a quarter-hour will seem more valuable and desirable than all the fortunes in the universe.

Liberal and generous in every way, God in the wise economy of his providence teaches us how we should be prudent about the proper use of time. He never gives us two moments at the same time. He never gives us a second moment without taking away the first. And he never grants us that second moment without holding the third one in his hand, leaving us completely uncertain as to whether we will have it. Time is given to us to prepare for eternity. Eternity will not be long enough for us to ever stop regretting it if on this earth we have wasted time.

He seems to have taken things more seriously than I tend to. We will regret wasting time for all eternity? Seriously? Sobering.

Be reasonable...within reason

2009-12-18T12:18:00.001-06:00

Seth wrote recently about doing things "within reason." He points out that victory comes from those who do things without reason, who go far beyond what is reasonable in their efforts. I think he has a point...within reason.

Reasonable actions are safe, dependable, reliable, and predicatable. They form the fabric of our lives. When we are reasonable, others can live with us. A reasonable marriage tends to stay together, reasonable parents raise decent kids, and reasonable colleagues are pleasant to work with. However...

The highlights of life do not fit into reason. No reasonable person would fall in love, given the heartache it so often brings. By the same argument, no reasonable person would have children. No reasonable person would join the Peace Corps or the Marine Corps. No reasonable person would start their own business or run a marathon or climb K5.

But what are you going to remember? What will you tell stories about? The reasonable allocation of your IRA contributions? Or the unreasonable decision to adopt an HIV-positive baby girl? The answer is easy.

So be reasonable. That sustains your life. Just don't stop there. Be unreasonable, and make life worth living.

Dreams vs. Expectations

2009-12-17T12:17:00.009-06:00

There are two ways to look at the future. One is by dreaming, the other by expecting. They are different in some significant ways.

Dreams tend to be positive. We dream of vacations, of promotions, of world peace and a child who pays for their own insurance. They are often visions of an unspecified future, of how we hope the world will be tomorrow, next year, or simply someday. Dreams pull us forward, give us hope, and remind us that tomorrow is always a new day.

Expectations tend to be neutral. We expect a promotion and expect rejection. We expect dinner to be ready when we get home and expect an 8.3% average annual return on our IRA. They are visions of how we know the world will be at a specific time in the future. Expectations allow us to operate today as if tomorrow were not uncertain.

Both dreams and expectations are part of our lives. We run into trouble, however, when our expectations overwhelm our dreams. When our view of the future is framed in expectations, disappointment is nearly guaranteed. Where dreams keep us hopeful, expectations can lead to cynicism, as the world almost never unfolds the way we "know" it will.

So where are you at? Do you have expectations or dreams? What areas of your future need to be shifted from one category to the other?

There are no right answers to the wrong questions

2009-12-16T12:16:00.001-06:00

The title of this post is one of my favorite quotations, sometimes attributed to Ursula K LeGuin. I am reminded of it at work nearly every day. My colleagues are engineers and scientists, wired and trained to find answers. My mind works the same. Pose a question and the thinking, analyzing, calculating, and answer-finding begins immediately.

The trouble is, if the wrong question is asked, then no matter what answer we come up with, it will be "wrong." It will not be helpful, it may point us in a bad direction, it may simply be meaningless.

How much time are you devoting to asking the right questions? Answers are easy. But you need to ask the right question if you want the right answer.

The definition of maturity

2009-12-15T12:15:00.002-06:00

Having children is a good way to be confronted with my own immaturity. It is far too easy to watch them behave childishly (as toddlers are wont to do) and suddently realize that there is not much difference between their behavior and mine sometimes.

This train of thought got me to defining maturity. We all know maturity when we see it, but what does it really mean? I propose the following definition.

Maturity is the willingness and ability to take responsibility for myself.

Responsibility is the key. I am mature when I take responsibility for my feelings, my circumstances, my thoughts, and my actions. I do not whine, complain, or pass blame. For this to happen, I need both the ability and the willingness to use that ability. There are far too many adults who have the mental and emotional faculties to take responsibility, but simply do not.

Since I started thinking about this, I have been amazed to realize how often I pass on taking responsibility, at least internally. It turns out that I am not quite as mature as I thought I was.

What do you think? Does this definition hit the mark?

Changing the Payoff

2009-12-14T12:14:00.007-06:00

I realized that yesterday's post on "easy" vs. "right" choices had some underlying assumptions that might make my closing question a bit easier to answer. I defined "right" choices as having a better long-term result, or payoff, than "easy" choices. In order for an "easy" choice to be easy, though, it must have the higher short-term payoff. So the question was poorly phrased. Rather than looking at "easy" and "right" choices, it may be more helpful to look at short-term and long-term payoffs.

Using the exercise vs. sleeping in example, the "easy" choice of sleeping has the short-term payoff of peace, rest, warmth, comfort, etc. The long-term payoff is atrophied muscles, weight gain, loss of energy, etc. The "right" choice of going for a run has the short-term payoff of physical discomfort (to varying degrees) and the long-term payoff of health and vitality. It is clear that in the short-term, the obvious choice is sleeping in, while in the long-term, the obvious choice is exercising.

So to redefine my question, is there ever a case where both the short-term and long-term payoffs of a choice are superior to those of the other options?

Phrased this way, it seems a bit less rhetorical than "right" vs. "easy" and it seems logical that short and long-term payoffs may coincide sometimes (though not as often as I would like). More importantly, however, it helps us figure out how to convert the "right" choice into the "easy" choice. Simply change the payoffs.

This is the foundation of nearly every motivational trick, system, or strategy in existence. Accountability partners and groups are one of the best ways to change behavior (Weight Watchers, AA, etc.) because they change the payoff of the easy choice, adding elements of pride, shame, public disappointment, and camaraderie to the mix. By making the choice about more than just a drink or a dessert, it changes the payoff to make the "right" choice easier.

Once the payoffs are understood, and we accept the fact that our tendency is to choose the short-term over the long-term benefits, the power of the choice is back in our own hands. How will you change your payoffs?

(Photo credit to rigor789)

Is easy ever right?

2009-12-13T12:13:00.012-06:00

I have written before about making hard choices, usually involving delayed gratification. It seems that nearly all the time, the easy thing to do is not the one with the greatest long-term pay-off.

Watching TV is easier than reading to my kids.

Eating ice cream is easier than eating green beans.

Withdrawing is easier than engaging in relationships.

Sleeping in is easier than going for a run at 5:00.

Giving in is easier than standing firm.

So this has me wondering...is the easy choice ever the best one? Or even a particularly good one? If the easy choice is never the best choice, it simplifies life a bit. Looking at all the choices, throw out the easiest couple and you know the outcome will be better. If it sometimes is, then I want to have lots of those kinds of choices.

Any ideas? Can easy ever be right? If so, how do I get there?

(Photo credit to lidge_34)

Yes Man

2009-12-12T12:12:00.003-06:00

One of my recent Netflix movies was Jim Carrey's Yes Man. The movie is based on Danny Wallace's book (no relation) of the same title in which the main character decides to say "yes" to everything. In the movie, that "yes" ranges from giving money to a beggar to signing up for persianwifefinder.com to approving every loan applied for. As a result, his life explodes with vitality, adventure, excitement, and romance. There are some negative consequences that need to be worked out at the end, but overall the message is the same. Be open to life, say "yes," and you will find blessings you have never imagined.

What I found interesting was the contrast between this advice and most of what I read about in the realm of productivity and stress reduction. Most experts say that we say "yes" far too often, leaving ourselves overworked, overcommitted, overscheduled, and overstressed. Their advice is to say "no" far more often to open up margin and enjoy life more fully.

So which is it? If I want to experience the most out of life, do I say "yes" or do I say "no?" The answer, as it often is, is both. We are limited in our time and energy, so the demands of the world have to be limited. The world will never limit them for us, which is why we must say "no." We must say it a lot and guard our priorities. The purpose of that is not to avoid things, though. The purpose of saying "no" is to free us up to give a resounding "yes" when the right requests come.

Those right requests may be from your son wanting to read The Monster at the End of This Book for the sixth time...in the last 30 minutes. Or it could come from a random colleague who wants to have lunch. Or from anywhere else. They could be opportunities that you know are important. They could be opportunities that you are not sure about. Because you have said "no," though, you have the freedom to say "yes" to whatever life sends your way.

"Yes" and "no" are both powerful words. Use them wisely, the results may well amaze you.

Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters

2009-12-11T12:11:00.001-06:00

I just finished Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Meg Meeker (as an aside, I love starting and finishing a book so fast that it doesn't make it onto the sidebar list). I was pretty underwhelmed by the writing. It seemed a little random and disjointed, without a particularly coherent flow throughout.

That said, it still brought tears to my eyes a number of times. Not because of the powerful writing, but simply because she talks about the dangers my daughter will face as she grows up in the world. It made me want to lock her in her room and let her out when she's 25...maybe.

The book comes down to one message. A girl's dad is the primary force for good in her life, standing between her and the negative influence of the world (peers, media, her own emotions, etc.). Fathers abdicate that responsibility not at their own peril, but at hers.

Sobering stuff. I would recommend it to any dad with a daughter. The book is an excellent and humbling reminder of the power of fatherhood. I would also be curious to hear from women about the influence of your fathers. Does Meeker overplay a dad's importance? Or would you agree with her?

All knowledge is limited

2009-12-10T12:10:00.001-06:00

I was in a class last week being taught by an expert. He is a professor at the University of Texas, has worked in his field for over 35 years, and has written a seminal textbook on the subject. In the accompanying electronic material, there was a scanned version of his slides from 20 years ago...when they actually were slides. He knows his stuff.

Then in the middle of the day, he made a remarkable statement. He said, "I don't know why..." What was remarkable about this statement is I knew exactly why. I could have given a 15 minute lecture on why, except that it seemed so basic and fundamental a concept to me that it should simply be given and not need any explanation.

I realized that this expert, who knows more than I ever will about his field, is missing basic knowledge about something closely related. Knowledge that I have. Thinking about this has led me to three conclusions.

I know more than I give myself credit for.
What seems obvious to me is not necessarily obvious to all.
Others' knowledge will always far exceed my own in most areas.

These observations apply to all of us, not just me. It should give us a healthy dose of confidence and humility. Remember that your knowledge is limited, and so is everyone else's, so always remember to share freely and listen gratefully.

Coming Home Late

2009-12-09T12:09:00.001-06:00

Last night I came home late from work. About two hours later than usual. When I walked through the door, the kids were done with their baths, pajamas were on, and 2/3 were on their way toward bed. I hugged them, kissed, them, laid them down, and walked out of their room. Then it hit me.

I was five minutes away from not seeing two of my kids at all today.

If I had delayed leaving work just five minutes, if there had been just a little more traffic, then it would not have mattered to them if I was in Africa...our day would not have involved each other at all. It kind of scared me.

It turns out that I am more fortunate than I thought to get to see my kids for a couple hours every evening. For those of you who miss that involuntarily, I am so sorry. For those that miss it voluntarily, I pity you. You are missing out on the whole point of having kids...your kids.

When I get home tonight, there will be screaming. There will be laughing. There will be fighting and playing and lots of noise. Some nights it is all a little overwhelming. At least tonight, though, I am going to love it.

The Dancing Organization

2009-12-08T12:08:00.002-06:00

We are currently reorganizing at work. This means we are taking a bunch of boxes with lines between them and making a different pattern. There is still hierarchy and a clear top-down structure. The bosses are still in charge and those below them do what they say. This is the traditional organization, the way it has always been done.

Watching the dance floor at a recent wedding made me realize, though, that there are other ways to organize. I am not sure how to put this into practice, but what if organizations were run more like dance parties? In essence...self-organizing chaos?

In this organization, there would not be bosses, there would be DJ's, providing the music that sets the mood and pace of the group. Context is defined, but not structure. The "music" taps into the shared psyche of the group, uniting and encouraging ongoing movement, but not dictating anything.

The individuals in a dancing organization would be free to improvise, but under the influence of others. Movement is initiated by some, and followed by most, with smaller groups forming and breaking up as needed. No consistent leader exists, but initiators come and go.

What do you think? Could a dancing organization exist? Would you want to work in one?

(Photo credit to Matt Andrews Photo)

The Effects of Success

2009-12-07T12:07:00.001-06:00

Success leads to two things:

Momentum
Pressure

Success can lead to more success...momentum. Success also leads to the expectation for success...pressure. The chances of continued success are related to the balance between these two forces. Is there enough momentum to overcome the tendency to crack under pressure? Or will the pressure be too much and overwhelm the momentum?

I am tempted to look for a way to decouple the two, but I think that search would be in vain. We are better served by being aware of them and finding the right balance for our own lives. Would you disagree?

(Photo credit to MonteRosa83)

The Power of the Limit

2009-12-06T12:06:00.010-06:00

I recently wrote that I am inspired by extremes. Part of the reason is that I am a pretty moderate guy and I admire those that are willing to put it all on the line. The bigger part of the reason, though, is what the extremes can teach us about living in the middle more effectively.

In engineering, we talk about solving a problem "at the limit." For example, given an equation to solve, we determine the solution if x = 0. Or we look at the solution if x = infinity. Those problems are almost always easier to solve, which is nice, but they also give the limits for the solution. That is, if x is anywhere between 0 and infinity (and it often is), then the solution lies between the two limit solutions as well. By looking at the limits, we learn about the middle.

The same applies in our lives. Tim Ferriss became famous a couple years ago with a book called The Four Hour Workweek. In it, he talks about extreme strategies for maintaining your job (that is, income) while working only four hours a week. This is a solution near the limit. It is extreme, and very few of us will ever be able to support our families on four hours a week of work. However, the book is still useful because it forces us to think about how to cut down on work so that more time is available for other things. Cutting a workweek from 50 hours to 40 hours is not extreme, but the extreme can help show you how to do it.

Other extremes that can get your mind going:

What would my life look like if I were independently wealthy?
How would I structure my day if I did not need to sleep at all?
What would my priorities be if I knew I would live forever? If I knew I had 3 months?
How could I plan a week-long vacation with a budget of $50?
What would I do with 6 months of vacation every year?
What would happen if I said "yes" to every request for a month? What about "no"?

By thinking about the extremes, it is amazing how the options open up in the middle. What extremes have you contemplated? How has that affected your life?

(Photo credit to Cristóbal Alvarado Minic. Bonus to those who can identify the equation without clicking on it.)

Relative Blessings

2009-12-05T12:05:00.010-06:00

It snowed yesterday. In Houston. Real white stuff is accumulating on the grass and rooftops. This is not normal.

People are going crazy. Businesses and schools are closing, grown men are acting like kids on Christmas morning, and global warming skeptics are making bad jokes.

For us, right now, snow is an amazing thing. Yet for those of you living a few hundred miles north or a few thousand miles south, snow is just part of winter life. It is not particularly exciting (at least 0.5" of accumulation isn't) or noteworthy. If anything, it can be an annoyance.

Which brings me to my point. Blessings are relative. An event is special only in context. I am blessed not by what I receive, but by what I receive in contrast to what I was expecting.

What are you expecting this Christmas season? Are you setting yourself up to be blessed? Or are your expectations getting in the way of your blessings?

Merry Christmas, and Happy Snow Day to you all!

(Photo credit to zerind)

Coming home

2009-12-04T12:04:00.000-06:00

I have been particularly enjoying one of the highlights of fatherhood this week. When I come in the door from work, I am greeted by my 18 month old daughter running to me with a giant grin on her face, laughing all the way. Whatever else happened that day at work, good or bad, is generally forgotten, at least for a few seconds.

Chaos generally reigns in our home, and sometimes it stresses us all out. Seeing a little girl run (well, toddle quickly) across the house, just because I came home...that somehow makes it all good.

The Freedom of Ritual

2009-12-03T12:03:00.003-06:00

Rituals bring freedom.

That is not a statement you hear very often. The rituals I am talking about are not centuries-old religious formalities, though. These rituals are the ones that happen every day in our lives.

I learned this from my recent read of The Power of Full Engagement. They contrasted self-discipline with ritual. Self-discipline requires effort, rituals do not. Rituals simply happen. Brushing your teeth is a ritual. Bathing is a ritual. These are things that we (most of us) do automatically, without thinking. It takes no mental effort or energy.

Starting an exercise program, though, requires discipline. Dieting...discipline. Starting any habit takes discipline and enormous effort, which is why it is so hard and new habits often do not stick around long.

How to use this information, then? Stop trying to be disciplined and start building rituals. Be boring. Do the same thing, at the same time, every day. Make it a ritual, not a discipline, and the chances of it happening over the long haul go way up.

Of course, discipline will still be required initially, but you want to get through that phase as fast as possible. And the freedom? How does boring repetetive behavior lead to freedom? Simple: when you are doing the healthy baseline behaviors that you want to do (supporting your mind, body, and spirit), then all that energy is free to be used for anything else you want.

Rituals bring freedom. Do you buy it? Give it a try and let me know what you find.

What inspires me?

2009-12-02T12:02:00.001-06:00

I recently posted about inspiration and I was not quite sure what inspired me. Having thought about that question for a week or so now, I have a couple answers.

Extremity. I am inspired by people that take normal life and push it way beyond normal. Ultramarathon runners, mountain climbers, organization freaks, competitive eaters, and the like. My tendency is toward going with the flow and extreme people inspire me to push my boundaries a little bit, putting in the effort to get more out of life.
Contradiction. I am also inspired by people that embody contradictions. The humble billionaire, the Christian hedonist, the boxing pacifist. These folks are similar to the extremists in that they push outside the normal, breaking the boundaries of what is considered to be acceptable. They form a new reality from combining apparently antithetical positions. Again, I am inspired to push beyond my tendency to be lazy and embrace variety and contradiction.

(Photo credit to Lapicero)

Deliberate Use of Time

2009-12-01T12:01:00.001-06:00

Here's some meta-quoting for you that has me thinking. Scott Young quoting Gary Vaynerchunk responding to a reader asking how to find the time to do what you love:

You work your 9-5, go home, spend 2 hours with the family and then crush it from 7-2. Everyone has time, just stop watching fucking Lost.

Scott posted this a couple weeks ago, but after watching 6 straight episodes of Leverage on Netflix Saturday, I was reminded of it. I don't agree with Gary's specific time slots, but I also don't think the numbers are the point. The point is how we use our time, either deliberately or casually.

This is not my first post on this topic, but it is something that is easy to forget. With a little less sleep, a little more efficient shower, a little less TV, and a lot more intentionality, most of us have an hour or so that we can track down every day. What if I devoted that hour, every day, to doing something meaningful?

One hour today, seven hours this week, thirty hours this month, 350 hours this year.

What could I build? What could I learn? Whose life could I transform?

Leverage is a good show. But I'm not sure it's that good.

What good is learning?

2009-11-30T11:30:00.003-06:00

I am currently listening to a Game Theory course from Open Yale during my commutes and enjoying it immensly. I had heard of Game Theory, but had no idea what it actually was until this course. At a little over half-way through 20+ hours of lecture, I can at least tell you what Game Theory generally means.

In addition to the general idea of Game Theory, I can also tell you right now what a Nash Equilibrium is, how to determine evolutionary stability, and the method for calculating the best mixed strategy response. Pretty cool, huh?

The trouble is, if you ask me about those things in 6 months, will I even have a clue what you are talking about? Maybe. More importantly, will I have made use of any of those concepts in my life? Probably not.

So why am I learning them now? For Game Theory to be relevant to life, I would need to do it a lot...far more than 20 hours of lecture, even if I was doing the homework. The same could be said of most of my college courses and most books I have read. The long-term impact of most seems to be small, at least counted in what facts I know and what skills I posess.

So why bother? Why learn at all? I can think of a few reasons, but the topic seems worthy of more thought and discussion than a simple blog post. Here is where I start:

I like learning. New information is fun for me.
Learning exercises my brain. When I run regularly, walking up stairs is easier. When I learn regularly, the thinking that I get paid for (i.e. work) is easier.
Some learning is better than none. By flooding myself with 20 hours of Game Theory, I may retain 15 minutes. Getting those 15 minutes may be worth the 20 hours.
Learning is a saturation process. Those 15 minutes cannot be obtained in less than 20 hours (or some such ratio). Learning requires a lot of input for a little to stick around.

What do you think? Why do you learn?

The Asymmetry of Discipline

2009-11-29T11:29:00.002-06:00

Self-discipline turns out to be a funny thing. Discipline and lack thereof work differently, that is, their existence in one area of life has different consequences on the rest of life. They have different spheres of influence; they are asymmetrical.

For example, when I am self-disciplined in my eating habits (not this past weekend), I must also be self-disciplined in exercise and bedtimes. Effective discipline in one makes the others slightly easier (discipline becomes easier with practice...in general), but it does not remove the need for effort and discipline. Discipline in one area does not lead automatically to discipline in others.

On the flip side, lack of discipline in one area has a large area of influence. When I am not disciplined in my eating, it becomes easy, almost a given, that I will watch more TV, exercise less, and be more of a slacker. Lack of discipline in one area leads nearly always to lack of discipline in others.

This is asymmetrical and frustrating. It also implies that effort spent eliminating the lack of discipline may have a larger overall payoff than efforts spent increasing specific discipline. Elimination of gluttony may be more helpful overall than strict dieting.

Discipline is on my mind these days, so there is likely more to come later. In the meantime, does this match your experience? How do you deal with discipline (and lack thereof)?

Can hard work be a natural talent?

2009-11-28T11:28:00.002-06:00

One of the ideas I found in Wooden on Leadership is common among coaches. It could be paraphrased something like this.

You can't do anything about it if they are taller than you, but it's your fault if they work harder.

The implication is that genetics handed me my height (or body type or inherent speed or whatever), but I can choose how hard I work, my determination, my character. Does this really make sense, though?

We all know the value of hard work. Put in more effort, and (generally) we get more rewards. We all want more rewards, and we would all (for the most part) prefer the longer-term rewards that result from hard work than the short-term rewards of sloth. Why is there such a disparity in how hard we actually work, then?

Some people appear to have a greater work ethic than others. They seem to more easily put off pleasure now for rewards later, and seem hard to distract from the task at hand. Others (I find myself in this latter category most of the time) hardly think past the next meal, let alone the resultant heart attack from a fast-food diet 30 years from now. Given the choice between hard work or blowing it off until tomorrow, such folks (we) take procrastination.

Is there perhaps a natural limit to our work ethic, then? Resulting from nature or nurture, am I limited in how hard I can work, just as I am limited in how fast I can run and how tall I will grow? Can such limits be extended to other elements of character? Self-discipline, kindness, generosity, contentment?

I do not have an answer to this question. More importantly, perhaps, I do not know what I would do with an answer. Would this give me an excuse to slack off, knowing that I have reached my natural limit? Or inspire me to work harder to reach that limit and perhaps prove it a little bit wrong? Do you think our character has limits? What would that imply for you?

Oscillation

2009-11-27T11:27:00.004-06:00

As we all (in the US) recover from Thanksgiving, I am thinking about oscillation. The idea of moving between two points, back and forth, in some sort of rhythm. They talk about this in The Power of Full Engagement, increasing energy reserves and strength through cycles of stress and recovery. Today we are recovering from yesterday's stress of gluttony and hopefully not repeating it too much.

The central point in the book is that our optimum energy building comes from properly balancing stress and recovery, neither overtraining (too much stress) nor undertraining (too much recovery). It is a challenging notion, since our lives run linearly so often. At work, we work hard all day long, with barely time to eat lunch. Or perhaps we hardly work at all, doing the minimum to get by. I have done both, and they both leave me exhausted at the end of the day.

Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, we need stress, effort, and exertion to test our muscles and force more from ourselves than we thought possible. Then we need recovery to rebuild and regroup for the next effort. Too much of either one and we burn out or atrophy. The right balance and the sky is the limit.

I tend to undertrain in most areas. How about you? How are you oscillating?

Mountain Meal

2009-11-26T12:00:00.013-06:00

Another reprint of an old Toastmasters speech from the Storytelling manual. Happy Thanksgiving!

I’ve celebrated Thanksgiving in many places. There was a Denny’s in San Diego. And that time that power went out in Seattle and my family ate by candlelight at the only open restaurant within 60 miles. I’ve eaten Thanksgiving dinner at my in-laws, my parents, with grandparents, aunts, and uncles. I’ve even celebrated that most American of holidays in a tiny apartment in Germany, complete with turkey and apple pie.

But one of the most memorable Thanksgivings happened in 2002, on top of a mountain. I had just moved away from Austin to Atlanta, and my good friend Dan and I planned a reunion backpacking trip. We decided to meet generally half-way in Arkansas, the Ozarks. In addition to the two of us, we also invited Mike and Jodi, who are now married, and Erin, whom I later married. We didn’t know it at the time, but romance was in the air that trip.

Our meeting place was at the foot of White Rock Mountain, near Fort Smith, Arkansas. Erin and I arrived first and shivered in the dark until the other three showed up. The night was bitterly cold, the wind was blowing, and it wasn’t long before we turned in. It felt late, but was probably only about 7:30. Night comes early and hard in the mountains in late November.

While the others rolled into their tents, I looked about for a bare patch of ground. Because you see there’s a slight complication when backpacking with 5 people…most tents are made for two. So with Dan and Mike in one and Jodi and Erin in the other, it left me out in the cold…literally. Fortunately, this was a time in my life when I was going a little bit crazy when it came to backpacking. I had decided to be an ultralighter. Ultralight backpacking is based on the idea that you should give up as much as possible…good food, comfort, warmth, whatever in order to carry as little as possible. So to save my knees, I was carrying 3 days worth of gear and food in a 25 pound bag smaller than most school backpacks. This included a bivy sack, essentially a waterproof liner for your sleeping bag that has all the advantages of a tent, except for the room, comfort, and aesthetics.

But that’s enough whining. I made it through the night, and felt like all the more of a man for it. Thanksgiving morning dawned bright and clear, and we packed up (me in about 3 minutes, everyone else in 30) and set off down the trail. So while millions of Americans were waking early to start the turkey, or sleeping in and dreaming of the Madden multi-legged turkey, or staking out deer blinds in the forests, we were hiking in the Ozarks, majestic views of mountain valleys clearly seen between leaf-free trees.

That’s right, I did say deer blinds. We were hiking at the height of deer season, so not only did we feel a little out of place wearing big backpacks, we also got to wear obnoxious orange vests. Better that than getting mistaken for a 12-point buck, at least.

The 6 mile hike to the top of White Rock Mountain took most of the day, and we enjoyed every bit of it, always looking forward to the feast we had planned at the end of the day. For you see, we weren’t skipping the traditional Thanksgiving meal, we were just planning to eat it on top of the mountain.

And eat we did. Our main course was ham, presliced and grilled on the backpacking stove. The meal was eaten in courses, since we only had one stove, so instant mashed potatoes were next. Canned candied yams provided some more starch and a little sweet, and can of green beans was a nice substitute for the traditional green-bean casserole. By this time, we were all stuffed, as is appropriate for Thanksgiving, and gazing contentedly at the rising moon. But all this was simply the prelude for my backcountry masterpiece dessert…cheesecake.

Thanks to modern technology, you can get just about anything in a can or a box. There’s a mix for everything from jambalaya to brownies to pancakes to chicken alfredo. But the one that I enjoy most is the combination of my two favorite things in the world…Jello and Cheesecake. Jello instant cheesecake doesn’t really taste like cheesecake, but it’s not pudding or Jello or anything else, either. But it is perfect for a backpacking dessert. After all, it includes everything you need, and the only preparation is really to mix the powder with some water and let it chill. Chilling was no problem on this 40 degree night, and mixing…how hard could that be?

Well, we didn’t have an electric mixer, or even just electricity, so we had to improvise on the directions immediately. The instructions said to mix this stuff for like 6 hours on high…tough to do. So as a compromise, we decided on the shaking method. We had 1-liter, wide-mouth Nalgene bottles that would hold the water and powder perfectly. Capped off, they could be shaken as long as needed and then poured out into the tasty graham-cracker crust. So we combined everything and set to shaking. And shaking. And shaking and shaking and shaking. We each got a turn. Finally, it looked like it was beginning to mix well and it was time to pour. Here’s where our naivete came into sharp focus.

The directions were to beat and pour and chill. They assumed you’d be in your air conditioned kitchen…70, 75 degrees for the mixing and pouring, the fridge for the chilling. We, on the other hand, managed to do our mixing in the fridge, so to speak. So the Nalgene bottle, which had a plenty wide mouth when it came to pouring water, became a trap for our cheesecake. Have you ever seen the traps they set for monkeys, where they put a piece of fruit in a box with a hole that’s wide enough to reach into, but when the monkey makes a fist, the hole’s too small? The monkey won’t drop the fruit to retrieve his hand, and is easily captured. This was kind of like that, as we struggled for the next hour to extract the maximum cheesecake-stuff from a now-tiny bottle using at best a spoon that reached halfway in.

Needless to say, my dessert plan didn’t work quite the way I intended. But that night, we crawled into bed, them in tents and me in my bivy sack, stuffed and satisfied, content that we had shared a Thanksgiving meal that few others had…traditional home cooking on top of a mountain.

The remainder of the trip passed quickly. We had beautiful scenery, we ate filling freeze-dried meals, and didn’t get shot by any of the hunters we saw. But at the end, we ran into a site that made me stop and think. There in the hillside, high above the road where our car was parked, was a dug-out cabin. A natural cave had been further hollowed out and the entrance blocked in with stones to form a mountain home that was long abandoned. And it occurred to me that the man who lived there would have thought nothing of ham and yams and mashed potatoes in the mountains. He may have looked at us quizzically with the cheesecake, but with most of the rest, I realized that our recreation was his daily life. I guess the world comes full-circle sometimes, and I wonder what do we do now, that 100 years from now will be for our great grand-children, their “mountain meal?”

Transformational Leadership

2009-11-25T11:25:00.000-06:00

The Matrix of Leadership cannot be found, it must be earned.

Thus saith the Ancient Primes to Sam, hapless nerd/hero of the Transformers movie franchise. Sam, of course, earned the Matrix of Leadership, or else Optimus Prime would remain dead and The Fallen would have destroyed the sun. So we can say thank-you to Sam.

How did he earn the Matrix, though? It was not through any particular bravery (he gets called a little girl by his girlfriend) or desire to save the world (he turned down Optimus' offer for that earlier). Two things earned Sam the Matrix of Leadership: loyalty and hope.

He was loyal to the Autobots, and specifically his friend Optimus to the end, risking his life and the life of his family to save him. He then maintained hope that Optimus could be saved, even when all others had given up and the method of salvation itself had dissolved into dust.

Leaders should listen to this. Among the 638 other attributes that the leadership literature says leaders need, here are two that even a second-rate summer blockbuster can make clear. Be loyal to your friends and your people. Never give up hope. If a leader betrays, or a leader loses, hope, there is nothing left for the followers. Earn the Matrix of Leadership, and you may not save the sun, but you will be a better leader.

What inspires you?

2009-11-24T11:24:00.002-06:00

Recently my friend Phil posted about some inspiring posters. Phil is a talented graphic designer, and it makes sense that cool posters inspire him (they're cool, but don't do the same thing for me). What they did make me think about is what does inspire me. It turned out to be a hard question that I'm still working on.

Most of what I read and watch educates and entertains me. Basically, I feed my mind (or numb it...I make no claim to any educational value associated with Heroes). What is missing, though, is what feeds my soul. What inspries me to reach beyond myself to something bigger, grander, better?

It's a humbling question. Like I said, I'm still working on it. What about you? What inspires you?

On tantrums

2009-11-23T11:23:00.001-06:00

My toddlers throw tantrums. Lots of them, it seems. Some are justified, like when their sister steals their juice or when their brother uses their head as a bongo drum. Most of the time, though, they are completely uncalled for. At least from my perspective.

When a child asks for a muffin and gets a different piece than what he was pointing at, I have little sympathy for the kicking and screaming. When they ask for music and it takes me 10 seconds longer to turn it on than they wanted, there is even less pity. It is clear to me that they are missing the big picture, and getting themselves worked up over nothing.

So the question, as always, is how am I any different? I do less screaming, but I think mostly because it hurts my ears. Adults tend toward pouting, in general. When my promotion happens a year later than I think it should, do I turn bitter about my job (just pretend this is purely hypothetical)? If my car breaks down (due to lack of proactive maintenance on my part), do I shake my fist at fate?

My tantrums are generally not as loud as my kids, but I might be more prone to missing the big picture than I would like to think. Kids can be hard on the ego sometimes.

Rules of Thumb

2009-11-22T11:22:00.000-06:00

I just finished Alan Webber's Rules of Thumb. I liked it for a couple reasons. The first is that each chapter covers one of 52 rules of thumb. Each one is short and self-contained. That makes it easy to read in bits and spurts while watching kids...a big plus for a book these days.

The second is how he validates carrying 3x5 cards in your pocket. The rules that the book covers are simply bits of business wisdom that Webber has picked up over the years and recorded on 3x5 cards that he carries with him everywhere. My father does the same thing, and I never really understood it...until I started to as well.

The 3x5 card is not really the point. The point is that our brains are pretty bad at actually remembering things. Which means when you have an idea, or read a powerful quote, or hear a rule of thumb, you better write it down...pronto. Use 3x5 cards, a Moleskine journal, an iPhone app, whatever. Just write it down.

Who knows, maybe someday you can write a book.

How is your energy?

2009-11-21T11:21:00.001-06:00

I just recently finished reading The Power of Full Engagement by Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz. The basic thesis: energy management is the key to high performance. This post has little to add to that, because I think they pretty much nailed it. The whole book is worth reading, but for now, here is a brief synopsis of the four "energies".

Physical. Is your body forming the right foundation for the rest of your life? You do need your body to do everything (including desk work), so keeping it working right is the first step. Sleep, eat, exercise.
Emotional. Are you positive or negative? One leads to greater energy, the other does not. Choose wisely.
Mental. How focused are you? Can you bring your mind to bear on what is required, be it detail or big picture?
Spiritual. Are you connected to purpose and values? Without spiritual connections, all other energy flails without meaning.

There is no magic in their division, but I am finding it helpful to understand how I am using energy and how to develop more. Energy is key, how is yours?

What's your agenda?

2009-11-20T11:20:00.000-06:00

Most meetings should have an agenda. Why are you there, what are you trying to accomplish, how long it will take. That is just good business.

Sometimes, though, an agenda is the last thing you need. The purpose of the meeting is just to be together, and what happens is what happens. Lunch with a friend, or breakfast with your spouse are often like that. The point is the person, not the meeting.

We run into trouble when we mix the two. No agendas at work lead to wasted time, since the people are not that important, and nothing gets accomplished. Having an agenda when you are romancing your wife is also a bad idea, it turns out (what, you don't want to look over our budget during dinner?).

So think about it before the meeting. If it needs an agenda, get one or cancel the meeting. If it does not, drop your preconceived notions. Just do not get confused.

5 reasons to make everyone in your company reapply for their job

2009-11-19T11:19:00.001-06:00

Your maximum productivity targets are being exceeded.
Morale is uncomfortably high.
You lack the organizational will to cut staff strategically.
Unintended consequences are your cup of tea (they're like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're going to get).
The reorganization was moving too quickly and you'd prefer to drag it out.

Safety first...after you show you care.

2009-11-18T11:18:00.005-06:00

At Shell, we are big on safety. We have big programs and we talk about it a lot and we are serious about it. We have to be. Our job is to extract, transport, process, and sell some of the most flammable, explosive, and toxic chemicals on earth. Safety matters, big time.

Yet sometimes all the talk falls flat. Sometimes it feels rote, like our leaders talk about safety because they are supposed to, not because they really care whether everyone goes home in the same condition they came to work in. Why is that? How can something so important end up sounding insincere?

I think it is because we all get cynical. All the talk about safety can quickly become a matter of statistics, lost time, and bad press. If that is all my leadership seems to care about, then I am not going to believe they really care about my personal safety...only their own stats. It is only when I believe they care about me as a person will I believe that they care about my health as more than a means of production. Only then will I buy into the safety programs and whatnot.

This is a key lesson for all leadership, it seems. If you want people to care about what you care about, care about them first. When they believe that you have their best interests in mind, or at the very least are aware of their interests, they are willing to listen and perhaps get on board with your leadership. If they think you are not interested in them, it is unlikely they will be interested in you.

Why?

2009-11-17T11:17:00.000-06:00

Of all the question words, I like "why" the best. Why?

Who asks about people.
What asks about facts.
How asks about methods.
Where asks about locations.
When asks about times.
Why asks about purpose.

Knowing why leads to the others. Tell me why your company exists and it is easy to figure out what you sell to whom. It doesn't work the other way around.

Who, what, where, when, and how all have objective answers (whether you know them or not). Why is subjective, pointing to underlying motives.

Why has power. Without a reason, without a purpose, the who is aimless, the what is meaningless, the how is mechanical, the where and when are arbitrary.

Why is multi-dimensional. As any 4-year-old knows, there is no limit to the number of times you can ask why. There is always a reason behind the reason.

Why makes us human. The search for purpose separates us from animals who care only about the what, the who, the where, the when, and the how (relating to food and sex, primarily...not that we don't care about those, too...we just add the why).

That's why I like why.

Emotional Control

2009-11-16T11:16:00.001-06:00

The New York Times recently published an article about yelling at your kids that I discovered through a couple blogs that I follow (Nathan's and Digital Dads). It opens up a nice debate about various forms of discipline, but that is not exactly what it got me thinking about.

I started thinking about why we discipline. There are lots of good reasons, and lots of bad ones. One of the reasons in between is to "control" our children. I think it is good that parents have accountability for what their kids do in public. I do not think it is good if parents expect their kids to be perfectly responsive robots.

In the end, though, we cannot control our children. Like it or not, they are independent (and often willful) individuals. We can intimidate, encourage, coerce, bribe, threaten, punish, and cajole, but never control. In fact, the only thing we can control is...us.

So that brings me back to the question of discipline methods. I am averse (not immune) to yelling not because it is ineffective, but because it demonstrates a loss of emotional control. Spanking is arguably legitimate discipline...if used in an emotionally controlled environment. Uncontrolled emotional spanking is little different than plain physical abuse.

I think that the key to effective discipline is not the method, but the source. It is ok to feel emotions. It is not ok to let the emotions control me. If I am controlling my emotions, discipline will work. If my kids are controlling my emotions, and my emotions are controlling me, discipline fails.

This is my thinking based on 2 years of fatherhood with 3 kids. What's your experience?

Magical Mystery Tour (aka Marriage Key #2)

2009-11-15T11:15:00.001-06:00

While I'm in the mode of giving advice I'm not qualified to give, I thought I'd share another key to a happy marriage. (Editor's note: if you are looking for a legitimate marriage blog, check out Simple Marriage.)

I was thinking about the romance of new love. How a couple can talk for hours on the phone or over dinner, endlessly fascinated by each other. What is it that drives that happy couple? I think the key is mystery.

We all love the unknown in some way. We are fascinated by it, romanticize it, dream about it. The known is mundane. Comfortable, perhaps, but generally dull. We know what has happened, what is happening, what is going to happen. There is no mystery in daily life.

Yet that is exactly what a marriage needs to stay fresh. There must be a sense that there is something about our spouse we do not yet know...some dream, some habit, some past experience, some fear. With that sense of mystery, we are compelled to talk, explore, learn, and become one.

The challenge of this is that after a few years, it becomes easy to assume we know everything already. There is nothing new, and no reason to talk for hours. No reason to pursue, no reason to romanticize or dream. When we think that, it does not demonstrate knowledge, it reveals ignorance. Allow me an analogy.

To me, English Literature seems pretty straightforward. Authors wrote books that we read and then talk about plot and character and stuff like that. In fact, I have read Shakespeare and Dickens and Poe and even enjoyed it. I would say that there is actually very little to learn there. Does this show that I know all there is to know about English Lit?

Absolutely not. An English Lit professor would put me to shame with her explanation of the depth of the subject and quickly demonstrate my ignorance. Plus, she would likely then confess that there is more she does not know than what she does. Her knowledge humbles her to realize the depth of her field, which can never be seen by an outsider.

The same is true of our spouses. The more we know, the more we should be humbled about what we do not know. No human being can be completely known in a lifetime. And if you are reading this, I know you have known your spouse well short of that.

You are married to a mystery. Explore it fully, and never forget that there is more to discover around the next bend.

Frustrating kids

2009-11-14T11:14:00.000-06:00

I was sobered the other day by my children. They were frustrating me, annoying me, getting on my nerves. Whatever I wanted to happen, didn't, and whatever I didn't want to happen, did. Messes, tantrums, whining, ARGH!

I thought I was even-keeled. I thought I could go with the flow. I thought I was calm, relaxed, laid-back, and mellow. Then I had kids.

Is it their fault? When I am frustrated, does it point to some rebellious, disobedient spirit in them? Maybe. As I thought about it, though, probably not most of the time.

Most of the time, they are being kids. There are three of them between 17 and 29 months old. That is not a recipe for calm...ever. So when I am frustrated, if it is not their fault, who does that leave?

Me.

My frustration says far more about my need for growth and maturity than it does about theirs. How am I being selfish? How am I finding my worth in their behavior? How am I valuing quiet compliance over their unique hearts?

It amazes me what they can teach without the ability to form coherent sentances most of the time. My kids frustrate me sometimes; maybe I can learn to be a better man through it.

John Piper rocks my world

2009-11-13T11:13:00.007-06:00

Noel Piper, John Piper's wife, has been posting their daughter's adoption story over the last couple weeks. One of the posts that stood out to me was a reproduction of John's letter voicing his agreement with the adoption. It highlights two challenges for me.

A model of Biblical submission and love. Noel states several times that after many hours of discussion, the final decision would be John's - submission. In his letter, John states that Noel's heart's desire is the most important factor in his decision - love. He agrees to adoption not purely out of his own reasoning, but primarily to love and sacrifice for his wife. When was the last time I made a decision like that?
Consistency of commitment and character. John makes it clear that after honoring his wife, adoption is a way to live a radical commitment to love, racial reconciliation, male/female role modeling, pro-life, and every area of his life's ministry. He is (and they are) willing to put their beliefs on the line visibly, publically, and irrevocably. Have I ever done that?

If I didn't respect John Piper before, I certainly do now. He is far from perfect, I know, but he has established an impressive platform to speak from.

Don't trust the nice

2009-11-12T11:12:00.001-06:00

I recently had a revelation about the reorganization and downsizing at work. There are two broad categories of people now working...those that will continue to work, and those that will be laid off. The revelation was that for most of the people in both groups, today is about the same.

They come to work, they do what they are asked to do, they eat lunch, they gossip and worry and try to predict the future. Those that will no longer be working do not (for the most part) have "Short-Timer" on their badge or a day-to-day lease on their office. We are all just doing our jobs as best we can.

Yet behind the scenes, there is more going on. The managers and decision makers have opinions and thoughts. Whether they can articulate it or not, they already know if they really want to keep you (and me) or not. At the same time, they may not know what they think until the question is asked, and even if they do, it is unlikely that they will share it with us.

The conclusion? You cannot trust the nice. Nice is what everyone will be until they hire or fire you. Taking confidence from someone's outward demeanor is completely unfounded. Rarely is anyone truly evil, but rarely will they be open and honest with themselves or with you from the beginning.

So what to do? First, stop being mediocre. The excellent ones get genuine praise, not ambivalent niceties. Second, base your thoughts, emotions, and actions on your reality, not others'. This goes for positive and negative stuff from others. In the end you get to live with you, I get to live with me, and others live with themselves. No one gets to trade places.

Agree or Disagree or Both or Neither?

2009-11-11T11:11:00.001-06:00

Scott Young recently posted about advice he disagrees with, including some of his own. It is a fun post because

I agree with him
I disagree with him

The cool thing about the web is that there are folks out there I agree with and those that I disagree with. The same is probably true for you. Here is the surprise in the days of black-and-white partisanship...sometimes they are the same person.

It is fantastic to read something that both affirms and challenges me at the same time. The list isn't long. Go read it and see if you can find yourself nodding in agreement and writing him off as a fool at the same time. I did.

The Key to a Happy Marriage

2009-11-10T11:10:00.006-06:00

The title is a bit ambitious and very misleading. If you think that a blog post will give you The Key to a happy marriage, then you are

a) reading the wrong blog and
b) fooling yourself.

There is a key that I am thinking about today, though. Self-awareness. Simply the ability to know what I am feeling and thinking plus why I am feeling and thinking that way. If I do not know myself, why would my wife have a chance?

As an example, imagine I am mad at my wife. If I know that the reason is that she said something that touched a core insecurity around finances, I can tell her that and we can sort it out. If all I know is that I'm mad and she's a jerk, there is not much to work with.

So be aware of yourself. Check your thoughts and feelings, figure out what they are all about, and share them with your spouse. You'll both be glad you did.

Jail Time

2009-11-09T11:09:00.010-06:00

It is perhaps an odd fantasy, but sometimes I wish I were in jail. I wish I were locked away from the world not because it needs protection from me, but because I want to escape from it.

In my fantasy, jail is a place where I have all the time I want to read, think, write, sleep, work-out...all the things that I want to do but that are crowded out by petty things like work and cleaning the kitchen.

Jail, of course, comes with a cost, and that cost is far too high a price for a couple more books. It makes me think, though; if I want that extra time to do those other things, why do I not make it happen? Why do I let the world put so many demands on me that I would feel more free in jail than out?

The truth is, jail would put the responsibility in someone else's hands. Without it, my time is my own responsibility. I can play games, watch TV, read, or play with my kids. The walls of the jail must be built by my own discipline. By shutting out what I do not want, I have the freedom to enjoy what I do. By allowing in what I do not want, I trap myself. I alone bear the blame for my choices.

Discipline is hard. Discipline is freedom.

Learning from people

2009-11-08T11:08:00.010-06:00

I have posted before about the benefits of encountering things outside our normal experience (try something new, selective reasoning, who needs conflict). This morning I was thinking about people like that.

We all are inclined toward hanging out with people like us. Others who think like us, look like us, act like us, believe like us. As a result, there is always a huge swath of humanity out there, even in our own neighborhoods and cities, that we never spend time with. They are still around, though, on TV or at the grocery store, so our minds are forced to put some sort of characterization on them. One of the defining elements of mankind is that such characterizations (stereotypes) are rarely complimentary.

Unbelievers are fools. Believers are kooks. Gays are freaks. The poor are lazy. Blacks are criminals. Whites are racist. Frenchmen are cowards. Communists are evil. Conservatives are Nazis. Liberals are communists.

The list goes on, and on, and on.

Yet many of us have met at least one person from a group that is not ours. Someone who dresses differently and talks differently and believes differently. Nearly always, we are surprised at some level about how...normal that person is. It turns out that very few people are actually fools, kooks, freaks, or criminals. Most everyone is actually pretty normal.

So I want to encourage us all (myself especially) to do a few things.

Meet someone not like us. Have lunch, talk, listen. Intentionally expose ourselves to others.
Use that person to change our perception of the group. It is tempting, after meeting someone who challenges our stereotypes, to assume that they are the exception. That is possible, but it is not likely. More likely, our stereotype is wrong, and we need to allow that to change.
Remember that each individual does not represent the group. After changing our perception of the group based on the new person, keep in mind that the next new person we meet will change it some more. Keep group perceptions fluid (we will never eliminate them completely).

Book learning is one of my favorite kinds, but people learning is way more powerful, important, and hard.. Try it and let me know what you learn.

People vs. Titles

2009-11-07T11:07:00.003-06:00

In the midst of the giant reorganization at work, I have been thinking about the difference between people and titles. Specifically, the fact that in large organizations, titles are expected to do work. That is, I (David) am not asked to do something, I (Process Engineer) am asked to do something.

Who cares? I do. I am expected to do things because I hold the title of "Process Engineer", not because I want to do them, or am even able to do them. As a result, we have a bloated system of competency tracking and development that defines what the person holding the title should be able to actually do. After all, it is the person who does the actual work, not their title.

Unfortunately, this puts everyone in a bind. A large organization needs defined roles with titles to prevent chaos, but rarely does a job description fit an individual's strengths and desires perfectly. So we are forced to fit square pegs in round holes, or at best elliptical pegs in round holes.

The take-home message? Beware titles. Remember that when you ask for work, an individual will do it, not a title. When you are doing work, remember that others are usually just looking at your title, not you as an individual (unless they're reading this blog). Overall, keep in mind that you work with people, not titles

My kids are better than yours (aka - Your kids are better than mine)

2009-11-06T11:06:00.002-06:00

Parenting can be brutal. With young kids (which is what I have experience with), the emotional and physical drain is greater than I would have ever imagined. Egos seem particularly vulnerable. When I see other kids, it is easy to see how much better behaved they are, how much more put-together their parents are, how much cooler gear they have, how much more fun they are all having. I am humbled by how easy life is for them and how I must be incompetent to be having such a hard day/week/month.

When I think this way, though, I have to consciously remind myself of reality. Any little snapshot of anyone's life generally looks prettier than the whole of the reality. Other parents are probably looking at my kids and thinking similar thoughts because they do not, and cannot, see my whole picture any more than I can see theirs.

So I want to encourage myself and other parents out there. My kids are not really better than yours, any more than yours are better than mine. My kids are mine. I love them and do the best I can to parent them and we are going to be OK. Stop stressing about other families and love your kids. That's all we can do.

Crushing Blows

2009-11-05T11:05:00.000-06:00

Sometimes we are crushed. Our spouse, our boss, our kid, our friend says something that kicks us in the gut, knocks the wind out of our sails and puts us down for the count. With or without the metaphors, it sucks.

I experienced one of those blows recently at work. Hopes and aspirations that had been building for days were crushed in a four minute telephone conversation. It took me a few hours, but I recovered by remembering a couple things.

It wasn't personal. Nothing was said that was insulting or degrading, just disappointing. Sometimes it is personal, but usually when we are crushed, it has more to do with our perception and less to do with the other person really having it out for us. Moving the conversation away from the personal helps soften the blow.
It was helpful. The guy on the other end of the phone line had perspective I did not have. His apparent crushing of my dream (albeit one that had only formed recently) was simply a preemption of later disappointment that would follow significantly more work.

Not all of our disappointments can be salved by these two things, but for me, a surprising number are. Maybe they can be helpful for you as well.

Normal Expectations

2009-11-04T11:04:00.003-06:00

One of many books I am in the middle of is Wooden on Leadership, written by the great UCLA coach John Wooden and published when he was 95 years old. It is an impressive, common sense guide to leadership based on his career as a basketball coach. I recommend it highly.

The thought that struck me reading it recently, though, is the stark difference between his basketball teams and any team that I have ever worked on. His teams were strict, not out of misplaced authoritarianism, but out of a single-minded drive and passion for excellence. He talks about the "Normal Expectations" for his team, including being a gentleman, on time, a team player, industrious, emotionally controlled, and unselfish.

How is that different from teams at work? Those characteristics would never be mentioned. In an individualistic society where independence is valued above all else, people would rebel against being told that they were expected to be "industrious". We are all professionals here, right? Don't tell me what to do or how to act.

Yet excellence on the basketball court or in the meeting room require the same basics of human respect, interaction, and hard work. Very few leaders require such things of their teams, putting faith in the "professionalism" of individuals and caring only about the final work product.

Wooden is one of the greatest basketball coaches of all time because he cared not about the score, but about the details of character and behavior. The score took care of itself. Should we not be following his example?

Followership

2009-11-03T11:03:00.004-06:00

There are lots of books about leadership out there written by leaders. Those are good, but I would like to see some stuff written for followers. After all, we are all followers, so should we not want to be better at it?

No? Why not? Because we should all aspire to leadership, not improved followership? Those things are not exclusive, though. I know of no leader who is not following someone and/or something. In fact, we can go through life without ever leading anything, but we would be hard-pressed to avoid following.

Here is a start to what I would like to see in a book on followership.

How to pick a leader. If I must follow, I might as well follow someone/thing worth following.
How to support the leader. If the leader is leading me where I want to go, I want to do everything in my power to make him successful.
How to lead and follow simultaneously. In any organization with more than 2 people, there is a very good chance I am leading someone at the same time I am following someone else. How do I live in the middle?
How to influence the leader. I suppose this is similar to leadership stuff about "leading upward" and 360 degree leadership. It is hard to take someone seriously when they write about me "leading" my vice-president. Influencing, though, makes sense.

Would you buy this book? What else should be in there?

The power of simplicity

2009-11-02T11:02:00.000-06:00

Jonathan Fields recently posted his eleven rules for "moguls in training." It is a short list of leadership lessons based on extensive reading that he has done. I found it interesting for two reasons.

The first is that it is a pretty good list. It does a good job distilling leadership experience and theory into tag lines that are good for posters and daily reminders. They are powerful in their simplicity.

The second is how useless the list is in the absence of all the background reading. If you take that list and try to lead only on what is there, you will probably fail. If you have the background (from reading and/or experience) to understand where the lessons come from, then a short list is helpful.

It is a key thing to remember...there is power in simplicity, but only with an understanding of what lies behind it. E = mc² is one of the simplest and most powerful equations in physics. If that was all, though, anyone could be a nuclear physicist and atomic fusion would be a high school chemistry experiment. Clearly, there is more to the equivalence of matter and energy than a short equation. The power comes from summarizing complexity with a simple statement, not eliminating the complexity.

Keep this in mind the next time someone tries to share the "3 Steps to Happiness" or "15 Ways to Make Money Blogging" or any other simple formula. Simplicity is powered by underlying complexity that cannot be ignored.

Net Present Value

2009-11-01T11:01:00.001-06:00

Net Present Value (NPV) is a powerful measure that businesses use all the time. For those that do not use it, NPV is the value of all future revenue minus all future costs, both discounted to the present day using the time-value of money. Using NPV, decisions can be made based on a longer-term view than simple up-front cost and benefit.

The trouble is, I ignore this in my everyday life. Yet it can make a huge difference. Paying twice as much for a jacket that lasts four times as long makes sense, except that I am cheap, and I rarely look beyond my wallet.

Two lessons come out of this.

Think about the future. It usually does not take much thought or time, but the decisions we make today matter (both purchases and otherwise).
Buy Avalanche Wear. I bought an Avalanche fleece vest many, many years ago only because it was on sale. Beyond making me think about this question, it has been my go-to mid-weight warmth in the Grand Canyon, on ski slopes, and around town. It has been the best outdoor clothing purchase I have ever made (and I have made a lot).

Try something new

2009-10-31T10:31:00.000-05:00

I love the grocery store. Sending me to do the shopping, though, is not good for our budget, because I always come home with something that was not on the list. Crumpets? Crenshaw melon? Organic sweet potato soup from the sale bin? I've bought them all. Why? Because I am a sucker for something new. It keeps things exciting in the kitchen, at least.

How about you? When was the last time you picked up something new at the grocery store? Or the library? Try something new and let me how it works out. Good luck!

PS - Crumpets are good, but no better than English muffins, Crenshaw melon is like cantelope, only better, and sweet potato soup is only worth buying from the sale bin.

Relationship budgets

2009-10-30T10:30:00.000-05:00

Seth Godin recently posted about Dunbar's Number, which is the number of productive relationships most people can generally maintain at any given time, essentially a relationship budget. The number is about 150, despite social networking's attempts to convince us that we have 400, 1000, 2500 "friends."

This got me thinking about organizational design and how a relationship budget could be applied to leaders in a large organization.

Take an executive and give him a budget of 150 relationships. 10 go to his family (spouse, kids, parents, siblings, etc.). Another 10 go to personal friends. If he has been around for a while, he has networking contacts to maintain as well, maybe 50 throughout his industry. That leaves 80 for his job, of which another 30 are devoted to peers and bosses, leaving 50 for subordinates...his span of control. (Note that all numbers here are arbitrary, but the central concept of a limited number of relationships is independently valid.)

The span of control will not only consider direct reports, but also those reporting to them. This means that if you lead an organization larger than this, you will not have a relationship with everyone. Additionally, they will not have a relationship with you.

What are the implications of all this rambling?

Consider spans of control in light of productive relationships during organizational design.
If leading an organization larger than you can directly relate to, deliberately and continuosly monitor the transfer of information and the transfer of relationships down the line.
If you use up your relationship budget at work, there will be nothing left outside. Beware the curse of the workaholic.
Do not over-reach. Trying to expand too far past your relationship budget will cause everything to collapse.

Are there other implications? Have you seen this concept used well or poorly in your experience?

What will you be when you grow up?

2009-10-29T10:29:00.000-05:00

We are in the midst of a giant reorganization at work, with one of the results being a reposting of nearly every job in the company. A favorite recreation in the office, therefore, is browsing the postings for jobs you may want now or later or never. The biggest thing I realize in doing this? I'm not qualified for any job I really want.

So, what now? My first reaction is to be frustrated. Why do they put the stupid experience requirements in there? I could run that business, I'm sure I could! Why should I need relevant skills? I read a lot!

This, of course, is not helpful. What is more helpful is to think back a few years to who I was and project forward a few years to who I will be. They are not the same people. I change over time, hopefully growing, but not necessarily. So what I need to remember is simple.

Be patient. I may not qualify for what I want to do right now, but chances are someday I will. Probably sooner than I think, too. So just chill.
Grow now. Who I am tomorrow is who I am today plus growth. How am I growing today? What am I reading, experiencing, doing? I do not need to get 15 years of experience today, but how will I take the first step?

What about you? Which do you struggle more with?

First impressions

2009-10-28T10:28:00.002-05:00

First impressions are powerful.

I have two sons, spaced 363 days apart. The older was not a "good sleeper" as a newborn. That is, I did not get good sleep for the first eight months of his life. I got good reading, game playing, and movie watching between 10 PM and 4 AM, but not good sleep.

The younger was a different story. He (and his twin sister) liked to sleep from the beginning. We got more sleep from day one with two newborns than we did with the one older one.

So to this day, in my mind, the elder is a "bad" sleeper and the younger a "good" sleeper. Yet when I stop and actually think about the reality of the last week, I realized that I was up three or four nights to comfort the younger one, and never for the older. My first impressions dominate my current reality.

Sleep characterization is a small thing. What are the chances that the same phenomenon applies to other things, too? Will I judge one as fast, the other slow, based on their crawling speed? Is one smart and the other not because of how they interact with Boynton books? I must be careful to treat my kids the way they are, not the way I have prejudged them to be.

How about you? How do you characterize your kids? Or colleagues? First impressions are powerful, and possibly dangerous.

What's your system?

2009-10-27T10:27:00.002-05:00

If you interact with other people and have responsibilities, you need a system. Your brain counts, but if you tell me that is all you are using, I will nod politely and never trust you with anything. Whatever the system, it needs to answer some key questions.

How do you capture the things coming at you? This includes requests, orders, questions, internal desires, spam, whatever.
How do you know what to do right now? What if nothing is scheduled?
How do you keep from missing deadlines?
How do you keep track of things you have asked of others?

I highly recommend GTD, but despite some opinions, it is not The Way. Use what works for you, just have a system.

The language of truth

2009-10-26T10:26:00.001-05:00

Does the language we use affect the truth we hear?

I attended a wedding recently where Scripture was read in 5 languages (English, Greek, Hebrew, Spanish, Thai), only one of which I understood. Yet it was a powerful experience. I heard truth that I knew (the passages were familiar) spoken in a way I could not comprehend. Two thoughts came to my mind.

Truth can be spoken in many ways. The way I am accustomed to hearing truth (or Truth, it makes no difference) is well and good, but it is not the only way. Others will hear it differently, or even not hear it at all with the same words. I must be careful not to claim a monopoly on truth only because I have a monopoly on the form of communication.

I must communicate in the way my hearers need. Just because I understand what I am saying, that does not mean my audience does. My wife needs different words than I do, and my kids need different words than she does. The guy who speaks Mandarin will need different words again. It is not their responsibility to understand what I am saying, it is my responsibility to communicate in their language.

What words do you need to change? How has the form of communication affected your understanding of truth?
Does language influence meaning?

Out-of-sight, Out-of-mind

2009-10-25T10:25:00.000-05:00

Out-of-sight, out-of-mind (OOS-OOM) is a fact of nature. Are you taking advantage of it?

Much of the time, we seem to use it as an excuse. I didn't see something, so I didn't think about it. If I didn't think about it, I probably didn't do anything about it. As a result, we keep things where we can see them so that they get thought about and done.

This leads to cluttered desks, full inboxes, and general information overload.

What if, instead of using OOS-OOM as an excuse, we could take advantage of it? What if we could clear our minds simply by moving things out of sight?

This is a central tenet of GTD (Getting Things Done). Using this technique results in a clean desk, an empty inbox, and a clear mind. Why would you not want this?

Check it out. You'll be glad you did.

Pride, Arrogance, Confidence, Hope

2009-10-24T10:24:00.001-05:00

Pride is silly. Pride is thinking that what you did is really as important as you think it was. It probably wasn't, though it also probably won't hurt anyone for you to think so.

Arrogance is foolish. Arrogance is when you think what you did or who you are gives you the right to something in the future. Your right to whatever it is will not be honored by someone, and you'll get pissed for no good reason.

Confidence enables. Confidence is the firm foundation that based on what you have done, you have a good chance at success in the future. Starting with reasonable expectations of success is a good thing.

Faith comforts. Faith is confidence without the past performance. Sometimes that's a bad idea, but usually it doesn't hurt and might help.

5 Toddler Product Endorsements

2009-10-23T10:23:00.000-05:00

Conflicting advice

2009-10-22T10:22:00.001-05:00

Careful readers of this blog may have noticed that I recently gave some conflicting advice. First, I recommended giving up, while the very next day I said to not give up. What gives? Am I really that bad at advice? Should you quit reading now?

The answer to the last question is up to you, though I would say no. Whether I give bad advice or not is also a question for you to answer, but it has nothing to do with the conflict. The crazy thing about advice is that it is almost never wrong. That is, nearly any advice given by anyone is applicable to someone, somewhere. This is one reason that there are always new books, articles, and blog posts...the market for advice is insatiable, and authors can always say something new.

What should you do with that, then? First, never take general advice to be specifically directed to you. You can apply general advice to your life, but only by using it to sharpen your own thinking. Doing something just because you read it in a book (which I am often guilty of) is lazy and irresponsible. The author does not know you, and what he or she says may have no relevance to your life whatsoever. Critical thinking is important.

Second, take specific advice from people you trust and who know you. Notice that there are two criteria. Does the person have a platform to speak from (is their own life in that area in order) AND do they have the information to speak to (do they know enough about your situation)? Without the first, it is likely bad advice. Without the second, it is general advice and you need to go back to the critical thinking.

So should you give up? Or not? I have no idea. But you probably should do one of them.

All of the Above

2009-10-21T10:21:00.000-05:00

Scitizen published a recent article titled The Necessity of "All of the Above". In it, the author argues that fossil fuels will continue to play a role even as renewable energy gains momentum. The bottom line is that as energy demand continues to grow, a single source will not be able to keep up, particularly if America sees a future of "energy independence."

If you have not read anything about this, or if you are convinced the "Drill, Baby, Drill" crowd is either right on or completely wacko, check out the article. It makes the point well that there are no easy solutions for energy, and everyone (coal, biofuel, wind, oil, gas, hydro, etc.) is going to need to be invited to the party.

The Power of One

2009-10-20T10:20:00.001-05:00

The Daily Voice posted an article the other day about Olympia Snowe's lone Republican vote in favor of the Senate Finance Committee's health care bill. In the middle of it, the writer asks and answers a question:

How did one senator from a state smaller than the size of my New York City area code become so powerful? By being the only one.

The rest of the article deals with the political wrangling around health care. That is all important stuff, but what struck me was the power of one. By choosing to not go along with her peers, Senator Snowe gained power, fame, and influence.

I think this points directly back at us. Where can we be The One? The One to stand up to a bully, The One to reach out to your enemies, The One to stand out from the crowd?

There is strength in numbers, but power in The One.

You have no free time

2009-10-19T10:19:00.001-05:00

You may think you do, but you have no free time. When we normally talk about free, we mean without cost, unattached, or empty. So Gmail is free, a released balloon is free, and there may be some free space in my closet. None of these apply to time, though, which is never free.

I have already talked some about the cost of time. Time is a scarce resource, and there will always be trade-offs, which are the same as costs. By doing one thing, I pay with the option to do anything else. So time is not Gmail-free.

Time is never disconnected, either. A given hour is always attached to the one before and after it and always lasts exactly 60 minutes. This means that the choices for right now depend on the choices for back then. I cannot, for example, choose lunch at 11:30 in New York and an early dinner 6 hours later in Sydney (given current technology). Time is always attached to the rest of time and is not balloon-free.

Finally, I think when we talk about free time, we intend closet-free. "I am free for lunch" means that my schedule is empty at that time. My schedule is free (empty), I am committment-free (unattached), so I claim that my time is free. Time can never be empty, though. I think the theory of relativity says that time is defined by the thing(s) existing in it, which means that if time were empty, it would cease to exist at all. Therefore time cannot be closet-free.

What do we really mean by free time, then? A free schedule is probably the right meaning. We mean that our time can be used as we see fit, unencumbered by external committments and requirements. I can choose in that moment what to do.

Who cares? Am I not just splitting linguistic hairs? Maybe. However, "free" is a powerful word, and we often let it influence our behavior without meaning to. Having a free schedule can lead us to believe we have cost-free time available to us, which is never true. So the next time you have "free time," consider the cost, make the trade-off, and enjoy it. Just do not think your time is really free.

Haikubole

2009-10-18T10:18:00.003-05:00

Combining the Japanese zen simplicity of haiku with the American arrogance of hyperbole, I present two original haikubole compositions.

The Cocky Bibliophile

Books I read daily.

Number one hundred or more.

You know you can't hang.

The Early Riser

Twenty miles I ran.

Two hundred push-ups as well.

All before breakfast.

Lessons from the Little Engine

2009-10-17T10:17:00.007-05:00

Yet another book I have finished recently is The Little Engine That Could. In fact, my toddlers have encouraged me to finish it a couple times a day for the last several weeks. That has given me lots of time to see the brilliant lessons it contains that make it a timeless classic.

Enjoy your work
"She was a happy little train for she had such a jolly load to carry."
The first character we encounter in the book is a happy little train who enjoys her work. As we will learn later on, she does not have the most important or fanciest of jobs, but her load was jolly, and she enjoyed it.

Leadership involves action
"'Here comes a shiny new engine,' said the funny little clown who jumped out of the train."
The only doll who actually does anything in the book is the "funniest little toy clown you ever saw." The other dolls and toys spend their time whining or crying or being sad. The clown jumps out of the train and waves his flag and as a result is the default leader of the group, despite his red nose and blue bow-tie.

Always be polite
"Please, Shiny New Engine..."
"Please, oh, please, Big Engine..."
"Please, Kind Engine..."
"Please, please, help us, Little Blue Engine."
What's the magic word? There is no guarantee that it will work, but saying "please" is always a good idea, particularly when desperate. Notice that after several rejections, the clown is still polite. That is good leadership.

Don't give up.
"Here is another engine coming...Let us ask him to help us."
"Here comes another...perhaps he can help us."
"Here is another engine coming...maybe she will help us."
The first three requests for help were turned down. Only on the fourth did the dolls and toys get the ride over the mountain they needed. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Persistence can pay off.

Don't close your eyes to possibilities.
"...the boys and girls on the other side won't have any toys to ply with or good food to eat unless you help us."
"...won't have any toys to play with or good food to eat unless you help us."
"...unless you help us."
"...unless you help us." (emphasis mine)
During every request, the clown repeats the same message, that disaster will strike unless you help us. Yet 75% of the engines surveyed did not help and the boys and girls still had food and toys. While the statement may be simply part of a hard sell on the part of the clown, it reads like he is putting all his hopes on a single engine savior at a time. There is always an alternative, do not get locked into the choice in front of you to the exclusion of all else.

Stay positive.
"The Passenger Engine is not the only one in the world."
"He looks very old and tired, but our train is so little, perhaps he can help us."
Sometimes the best thing to do is to put on a brave face and keep going. So what if the big Passenger Engine just blew you off? Maybe the Rusty Old Engine has one more trip over the mountain in him. Chin up now, everybody all together, "the sun'll come up, tomorrow!"

Try new things.
"I have never been over the mountain."
So what if you haven't been over the mountain? Metaphorically or physically, there is no need to let the fact that you have never been over the mountain before stop you from going over it now.

Take control of your own destiny.
"Here comes a shiny new engine...Let us ask him to help us."
Besides taking action in general, the funny little clown leads by taking control of his own destiny. At the beginning of the story, he's a passenger, riding a train wherever it takes him. When that train breaks down, though, he jumps out and takes charge. Knowing that he wants to be on the other side of the mountain, he makes it happen. Are you riding a train, or flagging one down?

Care about others.
"'What is the matter, my friends?' she asked kindly."
The Little Blue Engine is kind from the beginning, and through her kindness is given a chance to climb the mountain into literary history. The book is not named for the arrogant Passenger Engine or the gruff Freight Engine, but rather for the kind Little Blue Engine.

There's nine lessons without even mentioning the "I think I can" tagline. What else have I missed? What other so-called children's books would you use as a life coach?

Uprising, or why you should just give up

2009-10-16T10:16:00.000-05:00

I recently finished Erwin McManus' Uprising: A Revolution of the Soul. In general, I appreciate his straightforward style and non-sissy Christianity. Unfortunately, I have nothing to say about this particular book. Nothing good, nothing bad. All I learned was that taking too long to finish a book is just as pointless as not finishing at all.

I started the book in February of this year, meaning it took nine months or so to get through it. In the meantime, I started and finished about 20 other books (give or take). I did a lot of other stuff, too: traveled, played with my kids, worked, slept, listened to podcasts, etc. So by the time I got to the end of the book, the conclusion had no meaning because I lost the point somewhere back in April.

Why am I sharing this? Partly because I thought I should write a review of the book and this is the best I can come up with. Mostly, though, I want to share some advice:

Give up.

That's right, give up. Sometimes the payoff of finishing something simply does not justify the cost. Many times we know that subconsciously, which is why we procrastinate. Then we pay a cost of guilt without even the meager reward of finishing. Plus, there is the opportunity cost of not doing something really valuable because we are too well conditioned to never give up.

What do you need to give up? A book? (Crime and Punishment has been haunting me for a decade.) A project? (A workshop in my garage? What workshop?) A relationship? (No examples from me on this one right now.) Go ahead, you have my permission. Give up and move on. You'll be glad you did.

Basic Economics

2009-10-15T10:15:00.000-05:00

I have made several references to this book, so it seems worthwhile to devote a post to it. I downloaded Thomas Sowell's Basic Economics: A Citizen's Guide to the Economy from Audible.com as part of a 3-for-2 special. A bit ambitious of me to go for a book on economics, but I was well rewarded.

Here's the summary:

A price-coordinated economy takes advantage of distributed knowledge to most efficiently allocate scarce resources to meet the desires of consumers.

Along the way, Sowell fleshes out a lot of details and give examples about how rent control leads to housing shortages and food price controls lead to overproduction and starvation (at the same time!). Throughout, he keeps coming back to the idea that knowledge is king and only free price fluctuations (i.e. a free market) can make use of knowledge quickly enough to be useful.

Another recurring theme is that the intent and effect of government intervention are not the same. A favorite line is that there are not enough economists for politicians to worry about when election time comes, so they can make policy without regard for actual effects understood by the specialists.

Missing from the book is a full treatment of so-called "externalities," which cannot be accounted for by price. What is the value of beauty, clean air, or human goodness? Attempts to fit such things into a price-coordinated economy will always be awkward and forced, but that does not negate their value.

I posted on Twitter at one point that Basic Economics should be required reading for anyone wanting to express an opinion about anything. That may have been a little strong, but not by much. The book reveals the logic behind economies, not matter how they are structured, and opens our eyes to how decisions today may affect the future. Words and meaning are two different things; Sowell tries to get past the first and into the second. He (or we) may not succeed all the time, but the effort is worth it.

Selective reasoning

2009-10-14T10:14:00.002-05:00

Do you have an open mind?

I doubt you do. If you are reading this, you have been around for a few years, learned how to read, and been exposed to a lot of stuff. Books, people, experiences. All of those are now a part of you, and everything you see, read, and experience is screened through a filter that is uniquely you.

That means you easily agree with some things and disagree with others, independent of the thing itself. For example, my filter is inclined toward free market economics. That means I am inclined to think Basic Economics is a good book and Flat Broke in the Free Market is playing loose with the facts. My opinion is not based on a deep understanding of economic theory and practice, but only my own filter.

Does this mean your mind cannot be changed? No, but it does mean it is hard. Plus, it will require exposure to things that are outside your comfort zone. As a Tea Party Patriot, have you read any Al Franken? As a Progressive Democrat, have you read any Sean Hannity?

Reading only what you agree with rarely leads to learning anything new. It reinforces current filters and prevents growth. Mix it up, read a book that makes you want to throw it across the room, and see where it takes you. Our minds will never be truly open, but a few cracks never hurt.

Why read fantasy?

2009-10-13T10:13:00.001-05:00

I just finished reading Rick Riordan's The Lightning Thief. It took me about four hours total, and I enjoyed it greatly. Why did I enjoy a mass market adolescent fantasy novel?

Escapism. Sometimes it gets a little old to be constantly immersed in business, economics, and world crises. A 12-year old decapitating Medusa off the New Jersey turnpike makes for a nice change of pace.
Clear good guys and bad guys. A good fantasy may have false trails and such in the middle, but at the end, the hero wins, the bad guy is defeated (at least until the next book) and I can sleep well. All is right with the world.
Inspiration. Yes, it is fiction, but if a kid can confront Hades and sacrifice his own desires for the greater good, what is stopping me? Ender's Game is one of my favorite novels of all time for exactly this reason.

Any other good reasons to put down Drucker and Collins for a bit?

5 effects of long nights with sick kids

2009-10-12T10:12:00.002-05:00

Visions of St. Camillus de Lellis
Polypedophobia (fear of multiple children)
Really important questions: "Why doesn't adult Tylenol come in berry flavors with a dropper?"
Narcolepsy envy
Legal amnesty from anything said or done the following day

I'm not sure that #5 is real. I'm not sure of anything today. It should be, though. Write your congressman.

Riding the rapids

2009-10-11T10:11:00.000-05:00

In the midst of upheaval at work these days, I am reminded of advice I got during a whitewater kayaking class many years ago. When facing rapids at the limits of our skills, the instructor told us,

Remember, it's over in 20 seconds. It doesn't matter if you go through right-side-up or upside-down, you'll be done in 20 seconds.

The advice is not very warm and fuzzy, but the reminder is clear. We spend a lot of time worrying about the rapids of life. Rapids that will nearly always be over shortly (20 seconds, a month, a year) no matter what we do. Stressing is rarely worth it.

So ride the rapids. Right-side-up if you can, upside-down if necessary. It'll be over soon enough either way.

5 Superheroes I've wanted to be as an adult

2009-10-10T10:10:00.001-05:00

Batman
Dash
Alexander Artemev
The Haitian
Dr. Horrible

Wealth vs. Poverty

2009-10-09T10:09:00.002-05:00

Another insight from Basic Economics: wealth is the most effective weapon available against poverty.

Now that I have heard it, it seems self-evident. Poverty is the lack of money (in one sense). Wealth is an abundance of money. The best way to eliminate a lack is with an abundance, so wealth can eliminate poverty. Logical, right?

Yet the biggest complaint I hear about capitalistic economies is that the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. Wealth is, by this measure, exacerbating poverty. How can this be? Mostly by making a false statement.

In an efficient capitalistic free market, the top level of wealth does rise. Note that it is the level of wealth, not necessarily individuals within that. If you were rich in 1975, you might well be richer today, but you were also passed like you were standing still by Warren Buffet and Bill Gates. In addition to the top level rising, the bottom level rises, too. The bottom levels of American wealth today drive better cars (measured by durability, reliability, etc) than many in the top levels did 50 years ago. Better goods indicate greater wealth.

The trouble comes when the gap between the top and bottom levels widen. The absolute value of an individual's wealth is only relevant when compared to a contemporary (it seems). So the fact that I am wealthier by nearly any measure than my grandfather was, or the average Bangladeshi is, makes no difference if my neighbor is wealthier than I am.

So being poor today may feel poorer than yesterday, but that is not objectively the case. As America has created wealth, it has reduced absolute poverty. Further reductions will never be achieved by reducing wealth (through large taxation and welfare programs), but rather by creating more and more of it. Wealth can fight poverty; little else can.

Business and the status quo

2009-10-08T10:08:00.001-05:00

Thomas Sowell's Basic Economics has been an interesting listen for me (in audiobook form). One of the fascinating points he made is that pro-business does not equal pro-free market. In fact, it is often just the opposite. A free market thrives on open competition, while existing businesses thrive on keeping competition out.

A more accurate statement is that pro-business means being in favor of the status quo, both in a positive and negative sense. In the positive, businesses can best provide services and earn profits when they know what the rules of the game are. In countries where the laws change with the whims of the current ruler, the risk to businesses is too great to make investments and generally conduct profitable business.

In the negative, the status quo protects current business at the expense of innovators who may be able to produce the same good or service at a lower cost or a better product at the same cost or some combination.

I have nothing to add to Sowell's view paraphrased here except to encourage us all to think about what people are saying and what it means. Is GM really for free trade and fair competition? Is libertarianism in the best interest of businesses? My assumptions have been challenged, and yours might be, too.

Underserved kids

2009-10-07T10:07:00.001-05:00

Who loses out in institutional schooling?

Smart kids - please wait quietly for your classmates to finish. No, you may not go learn something else.
Dumb kids - once dumb, always dumb...welcome to the caste system.
Average kids - perfect. Sit quietly, do what you're told, and please don't disrupt the system.
Specialized kids - you can draw, but not add? Go to #2.
Active kids - if you can't learn by sitting still for 8 hours, we'll make sure you don't learn at all.
Slackers - welcome to an advanced course in how to game the system. Good luck making that work after you graduate.
Hoodlums - break a rule, go to detention; break a law, go to jail. Repeat.
Goodie-two-shoes - congratulations on learning to find your value in the approval of others.

Friction is good

2009-10-06T10:06:00.002-05:00

Seth posted recently about what would happen if Craigslist charged $1. He talks about the friction of cost and how it is a good thing.

I could not agree more. In the age of Free, I love things that make me pay. Those that make such things might not like both my reasons, though

I value things more when I pay for them. If you offer me a free download of an audiobook, I will probably take it. If I pay for it, I will take it AND listen to it. For example, I am learning Dutch right now, not through the two courses I have obtained for free (both well-known and proven methods), but through the Rosetta Stone software I paid for. So please, charge me so that I value what you offer.
Adding a price tag to something often removes it from my list of choices. This makes my life far more managable. Which productivity software will I use? Which word processor? Which operating system? If I simply eliminate the ones that cost me money, I am normally left with a very managable list of items that will work just fine. So please, charge me so that I can ignore you.

The funny thing is that these two reasons are nearly mutually exclusive. For businesses trying to sell me something, it is a bit of a quandry. Which do you choose? That is a hard question and one reason I stick to easy stuff like calculus in my day job. Good luck! :)

The economics of attention

2009-10-05T10:05:00.001-05:00

Economics is defined as the study of the allocation of scarce resources. Those resources could be oil, education, people, iPods, time, or about anything else. Economics does not care how those resources are allocated, whether by a price-coordinated market economy or a central decision-maker, only that the resources themselves are scarce, and that by using them for one purpose, they are not used for another.

Attention is one of the scarcest resources we have. We can pay attention to one, maybe two things at a time to the exclusion of all else. Therefore, every thing we pay attention to requires us to forgo paying attention to everything else in the world at that moment.

Most of that is easy. No offense intended, but I am fine with not paying attention to your cat for the rest of my life. That still leave a lot of stuff that I do care about, though. Will I watch a movie, write a post, talk with my wife, get some sleep, clean the kitchen, or read a book? All are things I want to do, but my attention is scarce, and I can only choose one right now.

Despite the costs, though, I still rarely attend to where my attention is. I am more likely to go with my gut (which tends toward selfishness, gluttony, and laziness) than with my mind and heart which desire greater things. I can only spend that attention in one place at a time, though, and I can never get it back.

Attention is scarce. Allocate wisely.

No pain, no gain

2009-10-04T10:04:00.002-05:00

No pain, no gain. So reads the wall of many high school locker rooms. The application is obvious - if you do not push your body in practice to the point that it hurts, you will not be getting any better. On the track and in the weight room, there is no gain without pain.

Then we step into the real world. There is no slogan about pain in my home. Or my office. Or in my corporate handbook. Does that mean it does not apply?

Afraid not. Pain is the prerequisite for gain. If I want to lose weight, I suffer the pain of hunger. If I want a promotion, I suffer the pain of long hours. If I want a retirement fund in the future, I suffer the pain of present-day deprivation.

There is no gain without pain. There is no growth without pain. A pain-free life is only possible through stagnation, which may be the worst pain of all.

Acting with intention

2009-10-03T10:03:00.000-05:00

CNBC was on in the break room of the training class I was in recently, which was eye-opening for me. Watching this financial hysteria over lunch made me wonder about how effective it really is. Do avid financial news network watchers have improved results (profits)? Somehow I doubt it.

Like all information we take in, it is worth thinking about the motivations of the people providing it. CNBC makes money on ads, which rely on viewers watching, not viewers making money. So even if the reporters and analysts have the best of intentions for providing useful financial information, their priority will always be toward keeping you watching.

That means excitement, crises, newness, not necessarily useful information. Yet the way to make money is generally to make a good decision and then wait (think Warren Buffet). So the constant barrage of information will more likely lead to losing money, rather than making it.

The question we should ask ourselves is, are we reacting to hysteria, or acting with intention?

Why should freaks have all the fun?

2009-10-02T10:02:00.002-05:00

I just finished reading the Freak Revolution Manifesto. Worth reading for all, and it raises the question:

Why should freaks have all the fun?

The authors are self described as "a poly bisexual lesbian kinky pagan transgender unschooler gamer geek and a lesbian poly unschooler geeky edgewalker witch." I know some of those words, but can only guess on the meanings of several.

They go on to preach a message of connection rather than control, rejecting dominant paradigms and living the life you want, not the one you are told to live. All great stuff, except that I'm not a freak.

I am a mono heterosexual straight-laced Christian male engineer. I have no interest in a raw lifestyle, an open marriage, or neopaganism. At the same time, the dominant paradigms of modern America don't do much for me, either.

Fortunately, challenging the dominant paradigm is possible for even non-freaks. All it takes is a little thought. Think about what you drive. Think about how your kids are being educated. Think about what you eat. Sometimes that thinking leads to a revolution. Sometimes not. The important thing is that you (we) are thinking, challenging, and not doing things only because "that's they way they're done."

So be a freak. Or not. Just as long as you think.

The Pen - good for you, good for the world

2009-10-01T10:01:00.001-05:00

Following up on yesterday's post on disposable goods, I want to encourage everyone to go buy a nice pen. Get something with some heft that you will enjoy writing with. Maybe even try a fountain pen! Nice pens are more pleasant to use and better for the environment. Not only that, they can help you recover the joy of handwritten notes, which can be good for your relationships, both personal and business.

Join me in rediscovering the pleasure of pen on paper. Buy the pen (I can recommend Levenger as a great place to start looking) and then write me a note. You'll be glad you did.

Throw-away lifestyle

2009-09-30T09:30:00.001-05:00

Mechanical Engineering (the magazine of ASME) has a challenging article this month about our culture of disposable goods. All of us have an energy footprint, some of which is obvious - air conditioning, gasoline, air travel. The article focuses on the more subtle energy costs of stuff. It takes energy to produce our cell phones, laptops, automobiles, and underwear. That energy cost gets spread over the life of the product, so short-lived products mean higher energy use.

In today's world, replacement is often cheaper than repair, and marketers work hard to make us want new stuff. The implications of new stuff go well beyond our own convenience, though. (See Glenn Beck's favorite online movie, The Story of Stuff for another take on this issue.) Am I willing to sacrifice my disposable lifestyle for something longer-lasting and responsible?

Maybe. Worth thinking about, at least.

Everybody's doing it

2009-09-29T09:29:00.001-05:00

Talking about healthcare, that is.

My old friend Jacob, whom I have not talked with in person for years, wrote a nice short little healthcare post on his blog recently, prompted by a nasty head cold. I appreciate his lack of hysteria or over-partisanship. Overall, he makes sense to me.

However, the public option makes me queasy. Not because of the government taking over healthcare...they may be able to do a perfectly adequate job. I have a child covered by Medicaid and have not had any complaints. Rather, my issue is with the arguments for it.

How is adding a government competitor to the marketplace going to be "competition?" The market works when competitors are on a level playing field. The government can never be on the field with business. Government is the stadium, the rules committee, the groundskeeper, and the officials. Those things are incompatible with a simple "competitor."

The result of adding a public option as an alternative to private insurance is nearly impossible to foretell. As Thomas Sowell keeps telling me, the real effect of policy is rarely the same as the intent. So it may end up being good, but I distrust centralized decision-making enough to doubt it.

More competition makes me happy. Government competition worries me.