The End (of 2009)

Between 10/19/06 and 8/24/09, I wrote six posts for this blog. I officially relaunched on 8/25/09 and have since written over twenty times that number, with this post being number 130. My reason for blogging is to help refine my thinking, and to give myself an outlet for all the input that I am inclined to gather. Since output is not natural for me, I decided to follow Seth's lead (in posting rate, not quality of content) and require daily posts through the end of the year. The end has now come.

I learned through the process that there is a lot to write about. Ideas were never a problem. I also learned that writing every day is good for me. It is enjoyable, and has succeeded in forcing me to think. However, it turns out that while writing every day is good, publishing every day is a little much. There were a few good posts, a few bad ones, and a lot of middling ones. The pace eliminated much possibility of editing, and first drafts generally are not that good. That is the nature of writing, but there is no need for me to subject you to it.

So going forward I will no longer require daily posting of myself. It is a bit of a relief. We'll have to see what actually happens. (Note that there is no implication that the quality will increase when quantity diminishes.)

Enough about me, what about you? While I write primarily for myself, I appreciate readers as well. Are you deriving any value? Does it matter to you whether I continue writing or not? If so, are there topics that you would like to see more or less of? Leave a comment and let me know.

So that closes out 2009. Happy New Year, celebrate wildly, drive safely, and I'll see you on the other side.

Best books of 2009

As 2009 draws to a close, I thought I would look back at the books I have read this year. My reading tends to cover a pretty broad range, so instead of picking a single set of "best" books, I will give the award in several categories. To be on this list, the book must meet two criteria:

1. I must have read (or listened to, in the case of audiobooks) the book in its entirety, and completed it in the 2009 calendar year. I am in the middle of a couple right now that would make the list if I were to finish them before December 31. I won't, though, so they can go on next year's list. This limits the candidate pool to about 35 books.
   
2. The book must be worth reading. By using categories, I could easily recommend everything ("Best Book to Read After All Quality Literature is Confiscated"), but I won't. If it is on this list, it won't waste your time. 

Best Book for Getting Your Butt Off the Couch
Born to Run by Christopher McDougall
I wrote about a lack of inspiration before reading this book. I then read it and was inspired. McDougall tells the story of a tribe of Native Americans who run. A lot. He talks about humanity's prehistoric running and the possibility that we (Homo Sapiens) out-competed the Neanderthals because we were better distance runners. Most amazingly, he describes a persistence hunt, where African bushmen literally run an antelope to death. It made me want to run a marathon, and no book (or anything else) has ever done that before.

Best Book for Learning What Everyone Should Know
Basic Economics by Thomas Friedman
Most of what I have to say about Friedman's book, I have already said. I tweeted at one point that no one should be allowed to have an opinion about anything until they have read this book. That stance is a little strong, but it is a decent place to start. Life involves trade-offs, and economics is the science of those trade-offs. If you do not have a basic grasp of those, the reality of the world will smack down anything you attempt. Everyone should already know this stuff, but very few people talk like they do. Don't be in the majority on this one.


Best Book for Reading about Writing
On Writing by Stephen King
I have never read any of King's fiction, and do not really plan to. His genre does not appeal to me, but his philosophy of writing is well written. He says little that others have not said, but he says it as well as anyone. Read a lot, write what you care about, and write a lot. He probably implies a greater likelihood of success than is really out there, but otherwise he is dead on. It applies to most of life, too. Work hard at what you care about, and the rest will follow.


Best Book for Rethinking Education
Weapons of Mass Instruction by John Taylor Gatto
I posted a couple snarky items inspired by this book (here and here). I cannot say I am particularly proud of them, but the book's immediate effect was to really get me down on institutional schooling (including, but not limited to, public schools). As a product of America's public school system, the book made me feel shortchanged. Gatto is an evangelist, and preaches hard. The reason to read this book is not, however, to pull your kids out of public school and join a commune. The book forces us to think about things that we normally do not, but are very important. What is education? Why do we go to school? Why bother learning at all? What should we learn? No matter what education decisions you make for your kids, you owe it to them to make the decisions consciously, and this book will not let you do otherwise.


Best Cookbook
The Breath of a Wok by Grace Young and Alan Richardson
My family gave me a wok for my birthday earlier this year, which I had wanted for a while. This book came from the library to train me in the art of wok cooking. A random selection that was a wonderful experience to read and cook from. I posted about it here, and of all the wok-books I have read, it still remains the most inspiring and useful.


Best Books for Dads
Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Meg Meeker and The Way of the Wild Heart by John Eldredge
Since I have had kids, I have tried to channel some of my reading into learning about being the dad they deserve. I have a long ways to go. I am learning, though. I have both sons and a daughter, so I read books this year covering both of them. I described Meeker's book earlier. Eldredge's book is both for fathers and men in general, following up on his earlier Wild at Heart. This one goes into detail about the stages of the masculine journey and how we can lead our sons (and ourselves) through them. The translation of Eldredge's ideas from his (apparently) idyllic Colorado mountain ranch to the suburbs of Houston is always difficult for me, but the effort is worthwhile. Intentionality in raising our kids is always better than simply going with the flow.


Best Book by Dad
Spycraft by Robert Wallace and Keith Melton
My dad has written three books, and Spycraft is the best of them (though I have only started the third). It tells the story of the Office of Technical Services (OTS), the CIA's gadget-geeks, from the 1940's to the 1990's. Operations are described with a focus on the cool gear, making much of the book read like a James Bond film told by Q. The Cuban prison chapter is worth the price of the book on its own. Plus, if you're looking for an autographed copy, I can probably arrange something.


Best Book to Make You Stop Reading This Blog
The Tyranny of Email by John Freeman
The final book in the list, and one of the last books I read this year (it was a Christmas gift), may have the least literary value, but the biggest impact on my day-to-day life. It is a call to slow down communication and unplug from the internet just a little bit. I wrote more about it here, and some of the other thoughts it raised here and here.

In the end, I hope you do not stop reading my blog. If you do, though, I hope it is to make time for books like these. Books open the world in a way blogs and Twitter and cable news never can, and we all need more of them in our lives. Read. A lot. And let me know what your best books of 2009 were. I'm always looking for ideas.

Manly Men and Womanly Women

I recently discovered The Art of Manliness. The blog is focused on recapturing more traditional roles and characteristics of men, without reverting to any 1950's chauvanistic stereotypes. It has been interesting to read, since the only folks that I had heard about previously trying to clarify gender roles in any traditional manner have been evangelical Christians. This blog appears to have little or no religious leaning at all.

An article that caught my eye recently was titled "What can manly men expect of women?" There was not much of an answer in there, mostly just the question. There may be some interesting responses in the comments, but I have not gone back to read those yet. Here I have nothing new to add other than to reiterate the question in a slightly different way. What does the female equivalent of a manly man look like? Who is a womanly woman today?

The easy answer for some is to quote Proverbs 31. That's fine, but I suspect that doesn't work easily for all women. Just like my manliness is no longer defined by my ability to shoot a deer or trap a rabbit for dinner, making your family's clothes no longer seems like a useful yardstick for womanliness.

I have no answer to this, given my lack of study and/or experience being a woman. With my 18 month old daughter sitting in my lap right now, though, it seems a useful topic to learn more about. So I would love to hear your thoughts. What does it mean to be a womanly woman in the 21st century?

The Tyranny of Email

I just finished The Tyranny of Email by John Freeman. It prompted the last couple of posts, so a review of sorts seems worthwhile.

Summary: The communication patterns resulting from internet connectivity (primarily represented by email) are unlike anything humans have ever encountered before, and they are killing us.

That message is not particularly novel, complaints about email are nearly as ubiquitous as email itself. Nor is the last chapter of advice for dealing with it anything that has not been written on productivity blogs for years. That said, you should read it.

The core of the book traces the development of communication, primarily examining the speed with which we have been able to exchange information. Freeman writes well, making the story interesting and engaging. Most importantly, it puts the last 15 years of the internet into a little bit of context, which is an angle I have not read elsewhere.

As a result, the call for slowing down communication at the end has greater weight than that from a techno-phobe or productivity guru. In light of how we are wired, constant, rapid-fire communication appears to have no benefit and plenty of detriments to our social and psychological well-being.

Read the book, slow down, and talk to someone without a keyboard.

Real-life Friends

Most of us have a lot of friends. We know a lot of people by their first names, we know a lot about what is happening in a lot of others' lives. Most of those people, though, we rarely see face-to-face. Kind of ironic that they call the thing "Face"book, huh?

Following up on yesterday's post, I am thinking about the relationships behind the news. The prevalence of news relies on rapid dissemination, which means the written word broadcast over the internet. Nothing else packs as much factual information into the short time we have to consume it. So as we are innundated with news, it becomes a requirement that we spend more time on reading written stuff (with occasional pictures) than on talking and listening.

Scott (see, I know him by his first name!) posted recently about how friendships are formed. He argues that shared experiences trump shared values every time. Most college roommates and comrades-in-arms would agree. While he uses an online example to show this, I think it is a rare thing for an experience to be shared with someone in another room or country, even in today's connected world.

So in this new Web 2.0 world of social media, who are your real friends? Who have you had dinner with lately, or trusted to watch your kids? Who sees your tears and hears your laughter? Who shares your life beyond consuming your broadcasts?

Our real friends are not our Twitter followers and Facebook friends (though overlap is certainly possible). We all acknowledge this intellectually, but do we embrace it really? Do we spend as much time cultivating even just one real friendship as we do a hundred or a thousand virtual ones? To put a blunt point on it, when it hits the fan, who will visit the hospital, look after your kids, bring you a meal, or just tell you the truth you don't want to hear?

As we enjoy the amazing awesomeness that is the Internet, let us not lose sight of real life. For what good is it for a man to gain the whole world wide web, yet forfeit his real soul?

News Gluttony

Reading through a Christmas gift, I came upon the story of the second telegram sent by Samuel Morse, "HAVE YOU ANY NEWS?" It (along with the rest of the book) has me thinking about the nature of news.

We seem to be wired for news. Stories of the past often involve isolated towns or homes eagerly awaiting letters or visitors or messengers bringing news. In general, news is something that comes from outside, something that we have not personally been a part of. My birthday party is not news to me, but yours (which I was unable to attend) is.

For most of human history, news was a rare thing. We got news only occasionally, and it was a treat, like a special dessert on holidays. The balance between our own experience (non-news) and that of others (news) was decidedly on the side of non-news.

Today, all this has changed. Thanks to the internet, news is everywhere. Nearly by definition, the internet is all news. Every email I receive, every blog I read, every Facebook album I browse is someone else's experience, that is, news to me. We are awash with news and are compelled to generate it ourselves, sending email and posting to blogs, Facebook, Twitter, and forums. The balance of our lives has shifted, significantly, away from non-news.

So I wonder, can we handle it? Our tendency to crave fat and sugar has gone from a benefit in a lean agricultural economy to a detriment in the land of buffets and drive-thrus.  Is our craving for news any different? Does the constant stream of news help us live better lives? Or is it contributing to mental gluttony with effects we cannot foresee (health impacts of extra weight have only recently been determined, after all)? Is one of those effects the erosion of the non-news part of our lives, the part that we are actually experiencing, not just reading about?

I am not the first to ask this question. This is the first time I have phrased it to myself in this way, though. It is making me think. How about you?

A Country Christmas

Another holiday, another old Toastmasters speech. Reading this now brings mixed emotions as my family celebrates our first Christmas since Grandma's death. This was always her favorite holiday. While we miss her, she would never want us to hold back the celebration. So Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Night!

The air was frigid.  Not bitter, but bracing, refreshing.  I lay on my back looking up at the stars, amazed at their clarity, each one a blazing fire, but somehow the heat was left behind as the light traveled across the vastness of space to meet me in the middle of nowhere.  OK, it wasn’t exactly the middle of nowhere, but it was real close, the middle of Kansas; Barnard, Kansas to be specific.  My grandfather was born there, my dad was born there, my uncle still lives there, and for me, that little town of 103 is Christmas.

As I lay there, a 10-year old boy amazed by stars unseen in the city, Christmas Eve festivities were ongoing inside.  We were, as always, at the old homestead, the home my great-grandfather built over a century ago.  In it he and his wife raised 7 burly boys and one very tough girl, most of who carried on the family tradition of farming the fertile Kansas fields.  My grandfather was the eldest of those 8, and at the time I was stargazing, he was the patriarch of the brood.  Inside, he would have been occupying the recliner of honor overseeing the celebration.

The house was never actually big enough for the original 10 residents, let alone the 60 that were bursting from the seams that evening.  Three or four generations of Wallaces celebrate in that house every year, and though some pass on or move away, others enter by birth or marriage.  The house is always warm, almost claustrophobic, but with a palpable aura of love and family that I experience nowhere else.

Thinking back, it’s not hard to recall the menu that night, because it’s always been the same.  Two or three of the women bustle about in the kitchen, serving hot chili and potato soup that warms both body and soul.  While you’re there, you can pick up some iced tea (unsweetened in the Midwest), lemonade, or water.  Coffee is available later on in the evening.  Turkey and ham sandwiches are made with rolls so white and soft that they hardly require chewing, and the whole thing is held together by dollops of full-fat mayonnaise.  Grandma always supplies the bottomless popcorn tin, a family favorite that is always begun, but never seems to get finished.  Debra can be relied on to supply “shorty”, a family recipe that somehow manages to produce a bread-like food from nearly pure lard.  Although traditionally always requested, you can count on seeing it again at dinner Christmas day.  And long before Jello Jigglers, finger Jello was a staple, red and green translucent cubes that slide down your throat as fast as you’re willing to consume them.  Innumerable cookies, crackers, cheese and the ever-present sweet pickles round out the informal meal.

Later in the evening, when everyone has eaten their full and the soup ladles scrape bottom; I would be back inside for the carols.  In a family with 42 first cousins, several managed to achieve musical talent, and one leads us on the piano as careworn carol sheets are found and passed around.  Everyone is encouraged to pick their favorites to sing, although those under the age of 10 seem to have inordinate influence on the song selection.

Sometime during the singing, you can count on Santa Claus appearing, riding in from the night in his Mercury Cougar sled.  His pillow-gut and polyester beard are not always in the best of shape, but everyone looks forward to his visit and the candy he carries.  It doesn’t matter if you’re 8 or 80, he’s sure to encourage general good behavior and scold the bad (and he seems to find particular delight scolding those older than him).  With a final Merry Christmas and a ho, ho, ho, he departs, off to destinations unknown.

When the night is over, we say our goodbyes and return to grandma’s house, and attempt to sleep before the big Christmas morning.  For now, however, I was content to look at the stars, blazing balls that appear so tiny and bright.  For a city boy, the clear nights of the country are an uncommon and awe-inspiring sight.  But the true brightness, and what draws me back each year, is what was inside; the love of my family, the warmth of tradition, and the simple down-home comfort of a true country Christmas.

The Tipping Point of Faith

I have recently been enjoying an Open Yale course on game theory. The professor is entertaining and the subject fascinating. The last several lectures have been covering Nash Equilibria , those states of a game where no player can gain an advantage by changing their strategy or choice. This concept can help in understanding the best responses for each player and where the end state of a game could end up. An extension of the idea is that where two equilibria exist in a game, there may be a tipping point where different equilibria are favored depending on which side you are on.

As a geographic analogy, consider the Continental Divide. It is the tipping point in directing water in North America. Rain falling to the east ends up in the equilibrium known as the Atlantic, and rain to the west ends up in the Pacific.

As I was listening to this, it occurred to me that Nash Equilibrium could be a good description of something I have experienced and witnessed in the area of spirituality and faith. I think that the payoff for any given belief system could be crudely modeled like the following graph.

The scale runs from no belief on the left to complete belief on the right, with shades of belief in between. The vertical axis is the pay-off in terms of contentment, joy, happiness, peace, whatever.

At the far left, a non-believer is at peace with their decision. They operate free of the obligations and rewards of the belief system, choosing to do what works for them (possibly a different faith) and are therefore happy with life.

At the far right, a true believer is at peace with their decision. They are comfortable within the structure of the belief system, are privy to the rewards (community, eternal confidence, etc.) and are therefore happy with life.

In between are most people. Taking the evangelical Christian system as an example, these are the folks who claim belief in God, but never show up for church. Or the people who are in church but asleep. Or who open their Bibles only during Sunday school. Or who display an unopened Bible prominently on their coffee table. All of these folks are riding the fence in one way or another.

To bring back the Game Theory, the Nash Equilibria are, of course, on either extreme. The payoff is maximized at full belief or full non-belief. A rational player (one who is looking to maximize payoff) will always be forced to one side or the other, though the theory does not make any claim as to which side is preferred.

Faith is not generally amenable to mathematical analysis or simplified Game Theory. So clearly this does not tell the whole story. It does, however, remind us of something that gets easily hidden in the bustle of everyday life. Is our faith real? And if it is not, should we keep playing games? Are we happy in the middle, or does something need to change?

I would love to hear your where you stand on the questions or the theory. Leave a comment and let me know what you're thinking.

(picture credit to R. Brown)

Conversion of a group class skeptic

Stages of Conversion

1. Skepticism - "Group classes...whatever. I prefer working out alone."
   
2. Curiosity - "I wonder what they're doing in there..."
3. Trial - "He said it was pretty good...I'll check it out tomorrow."
4. Arrogance - "Crunches? That's it? I'll show them how it's done."
5. Exhaustion - "Pant...pant...pant...wheeze."
6. Denial - "Two more sets?!? Are you serious?"
7. Collapse - "..."
8. Pain - "Captain's log, T+3 days. Able to get out of bed without groaning this morning. Hoping to be able to stand upright tomorrow."
9. Conversion - "See you next week!"

(Note: Stages based on my experience with Abs Blast + Total Body Workout at the company gym. Your mileage may vary.)

(Photo credit to Urban Active Fitness)

I will teach you to be rich

Ramit Sethi wrote a book titled I Will Teach You To Be Rich. He maintains a blog of the same title. I know relatively little about him or his writing, but the little I have read seems positive (the recent post about money lies made a lot of sense to me). More importantly, he makes several strong points in his title alone.

1. "Teach"
   Being rich can be taught. It is not something that we are born with or without. What he teaches may be easier for some than for others, but rich or poor are not predetermined...we have control over learning one or the other. Teaching also requires our own responsibility. Sethi makes no claim to be able to "make" you rich, just teach you how to be rich.
   
2. "Be"
   Being is harder and more important than becoming. It is one thing to work hard for a year or two at reducing spending and making more money. It is something else entirely to maintain that for a lifetime and be rich, not just get rich.
3. "Rich"
   The goal is not wealth. The goal is not money, bank accounts, yachts, or anything else. The goal is to be rich. Having a rich life is one that is full. Money is a tool to obtaining a rich life, not the rich life itself.

I think his stuff is worth checking out. Let me know what you think.

Give a little grace

This morning my son woke up "in a mood." He got up earlier than usual. He had lots of demands, but could not be satisfied. He wailed for no reason that I could figure out. The only thing that made him happy was to be held. OK, I can do that, except it makes it difficult to pack my lunch and eat breakfast and all the other things I normally do while he is still asleep. So I put him down briefly, with the intent to pick him back up 20 seconds later. He wailed, and I responded,

"Give me a little grace here, son."

I was not meaning to be profound, but it struck me as I said that how little grace kids give, how much they need, and how I am not very different.

I am quick to assume that others are out to get me, or that they simply do not care. If my wife is short with me, or if my boss overlooks my good work, I take it personally. The fact that she is sick or he was dealing with his father's death never enter my thoughts. I give no grace; I leave no room for error.

Yet on the other side, I always have an excuse. "I didn't mean it." "I was going to pick you up as soon as I poured my cereal." "My calendar didn't sync." "I have a headache the size of whale." Cut me some slack here, I'm doing my best. Just give me a little grace...please.

Remember, grace flows both ways. The only flow you and I control, though, is the one that originates with us. Maybe you have no struggle with this. For the rest of us, though, I challenge us today to just give a little grace.

Shut up.

I was in a first aid class a few weeks ago when the instructor dropped a line that was worth writing down.

Sometimes you need to shut up and let wisdom show up.

The context has left me, but the quote has not. It seems to apply in most of life. Rarely do we discover wisdom through talking. The archetypical wise man is never chatty. Talking and thinking rarely go together.

What about "thinking out-loud," though? I know that sometimes I can get clearer in my thinking through talking. Does that not contradict the wisdom of shutting up? I don't think so. The benefit I get from thinking out loud usually comes from hearing how foolish I sound. It turns out to be a good idea to do most of my out-loud thinking by myself.

Like much of my life, I find the application with my kids. Too often, if I speak quickly, I am bound to say something foolish. Even at 18 and 30 months, my kids can often figure out for themselves when they are misbehaving and what to do about it. My talking, particularly before giving wisdom enough time to show up, rarely helps.

So the challenge to us today is clear. Shut up. Hard to do, but rarely a bad idea.

(Photo credit to kandath)

Francois Fenelon on Time

In response to a recent post on time, a friend sent me a quote from Francois Fenelon. Never heard of him? Neither had I. The quote reminds us that human nature hasn't changed much in the last few hundred years. Our lack of time and tendency to waste it is not a digital phenomenon. This is what this French theologian said in the 1600s:

Time is precious, but we do not know yet how precious it really is.  We will only know when we are no longer able to take advantage of it.  Our friends ask for our time as if it were nothing, and we give it as if it were nothing.  Often, our time is our own responsibility; we do not know what to do with it, and we become overwhelmed as a result.  The day will come when a quarter-hour will seem more valuable and desirable than all the fortunes in the universe. 

Liberal and generous in every way, God in the wise economy of his providence teaches us how we should be prudent about the proper use of time.  He never gives us two moments at the same time.  He never gives us a second moment without taking away the first.  And he never grants us that second moment without holding the third one in his hand, leaving us completely uncertain as to whether we will have it.  Time is given to us to prepare for eternity.  Eternity will not be long enough for us to ever stop regretting it if on this earth we have wasted time.

He seems to have taken things more seriously than I tend to. We will regret wasting time for all eternity? Seriously? Sobering.

Be reasonable...within reason

Seth wrote recently about doing things "within reason." He points out that victory comes from those who do things without reason, who go far beyond what is reasonable in their efforts. I think he has a point...within reason.

Reasonable actions are safe, dependable, reliable, and predicatable. They form the fabric of our lives. When we are reasonable, others can live with us. A reasonable marriage tends to stay together, reasonable parents raise decent kids, and reasonable colleagues are pleasant to work with. However...

The highlights of life do not fit into reason. No reasonable person would fall in love, given the heartache it so often brings. By the same argument, no reasonable person would have children. No reasonable person would join the Peace Corps or the Marine Corps. No reasonable person would start their own business or run a marathon or climb K5.

But what are you going to remember? What will you tell stories about? The reasonable allocation of your IRA contributions? Or the unreasonable decision to adopt an HIV-positive baby girl? The answer is easy.

So be reasonable. That sustains your life. Just don't stop there. Be unreasonable, and make life worth living.

Dreams vs. Expectations

There are two ways to look at the future. One is by dreaming, the other by expecting. They are different in some significant ways.

Dreams tend to be positive. We dream of vacations, of promotions, of world peace and a child who pays for their own insurance. They are often visions of an unspecified future, of how we hope the world will be tomorrow, next year, or simply someday. Dreams pull us forward, give us hope, and remind us that tomorrow is always a new day.

Expectations tend to be neutral. We expect a promotion and expect rejection. We expect dinner to be ready when we get home and expect an 8.3% average annual return on our IRA. They are visions of how we know the world will be at a specific time in the future. Expectations allow us to operate today as if tomorrow were not uncertain.

Both dreams and expectations are part of our lives. We run into trouble, however, when our expectations overwhelm our dreams. When our view of the future is framed in expectations, disappointment is nearly guaranteed. Where dreams keep us hopeful, expectations can lead to cynicism, as the world almost never unfolds the way we "know" it will.

So where are you at? Do you have expectations or dreams? What areas of your future need to be shifted from one category to the other?

There are no right answers to the wrong questions

The title of this post is one of my favorite quotations, sometimes attributed to Ursula K LeGuin. I am reminded of it at work nearly every day. My colleagues are engineers and scientists, wired and trained to find answers. My mind works the same. Pose a question and the thinking, analyzing, calculating, and answer-finding begins immediately.

The trouble is, if the wrong question is asked, then no matter what answer we come up with, it will be "wrong." It will not be helpful, it may point us in a bad direction, it may simply be meaningless.

How much time are you devoting to asking the right questions? Answers are easy. But you need to ask the right question if you want the right answer.

The definition of maturity

Having children is a good way to be confronted with my own immaturity. It is far too easy to watch them behave childishly (as toddlers are wont to do) and suddently realize that there is not much difference between their behavior and mine sometimes.

This train of thought got me to defining maturity. We all know maturity when we see it, but what does it really mean? I propose the following definition.

Maturity is the willingness and ability to take responsibility for myself.

Responsibility is the key. I am mature when I take responsibility for my feelings, my circumstances, my thoughts, and my actions. I do not whine, complain, or pass blame. For this to happen, I need both the ability and the willingness to use that ability. There are far too many adults who have the mental and emotional faculties to take responsibility, but simply do not.

Since I started thinking about this, I have been amazed to realize how often I pass on taking responsibility, at least internally. It turns out that I am not quite as mature as I thought I was.

What do you think? Does this definition hit the mark?

Changing the Payoff

I realized that yesterday's post on "easy" vs. "right" choices had some underlying assumptions that might make my closing question a bit easier to answer. I defined "right" choices as having a better long-term result, or payoff, than "easy" choices. In order for an "easy" choice to be easy, though, it must have the higher short-term payoff. So the question was poorly phrased. Rather than looking at "easy" and "right" choices, it may be more helpful to look at short-term and long-term payoffs.

Using the exercise vs. sleeping in example, the "easy" choice of sleeping has the short-term payoff of peace, rest, warmth, comfort, etc. The long-term payoff is atrophied muscles, weight gain, loss of energy, etc. The "right" choice of going for a run has the short-term payoff of physical discomfort (to varying degrees) and the long-term payoff of health and vitality. It is clear that in the short-term, the obvious choice is sleeping in, while in the long-term, the obvious choice is exercising.

So to redefine my question, is there ever a case where both the short-term and long-term payoffs of a choice are superior to those of the other options?

Phrased this way, it seems a bit less rhetorical than "right" vs. "easy" and it seems logical that short and long-term payoffs may coincide sometimes (though not as often as I would like). More importantly, however, it helps us figure out how to convert the "right" choice into the "easy" choice. Simply change the payoffs.

This is the foundation of nearly every motivational trick, system, or strategy in existence. Accountability partners and groups are one of the best ways to change behavior (Weight Watchers, AA, etc.) because they change the payoff of the easy choice, adding elements of pride, shame, public disappointment, and camaraderie to the mix. By making the choice about more than just a drink or a dessert, it changes the payoff to make the "right" choice easier.

Once the payoffs are understood, and we accept the fact that our tendency is to choose the short-term over the long-term benefits, the power of the choice is back in our own hands. How will you change your payoffs?

(Photo credit to rigor789)

Is easy ever right?

I have written before about making hard choices, usually involving delayed gratification. It seems that nearly all the time, the easy thing to do is not the one with the greatest long-term pay-off.

Watching TV is easier than reading to my kids.

Eating ice cream is easier than eating green beans.

Withdrawing is easier than engaging in relationships.

Sleeping in is easier than going for a run at 5:00.

Giving in is easier than standing firm.

So this has me wondering...is the easy choice ever the best one? Or even a particularly good one? If the easy choice is never the best choice, it simplifies life a bit. Looking at all the choices, throw out the easiest couple and you know the outcome will be better. If it sometimes is, then I want to have lots of those kinds of choices.

Any ideas? Can easy ever be right? If so, how do I get there?

(Photo credit to lidge_34)

Yes Man

One of my recent Netflix movies was Jim Carrey's Yes Man. The movie is based on Danny Wallace's book (no relation) of the same title in which the main character decides to say "yes" to everything. In the movie, that "yes" ranges from giving money to a beggar to signing up for persianwifefinder.com to approving every loan applied for. As a result, his life explodes with vitality, adventure, excitement, and romance. There are some negative consequences that need to be worked out at the end, but overall the message is the same. Be open to life, say "yes," and you will find blessings you have never imagined.

What I found interesting was the contrast between this advice and most of what I read about in the realm of productivity and stress reduction. Most experts say that we say "yes" far too often, leaving ourselves overworked, overcommitted, overscheduled, and overstressed. Their advice is to say "no" far more often to open up margin and enjoy life more fully.

So which is it? If I want to experience the most out of life, do I say "yes" or do I say "no?" The answer, as it often is, is both. We are limited in our time and energy, so the demands of the world have to be limited. The world will never limit them for us, which is why we must say "no." We must say it a lot and guard our priorities. The purpose of that is not to avoid things, though. The purpose of saying "no" is to free us up to give a resounding "yes" when the right requests come.

Those right requests may be from your son wanting to read The Monster at the End of This Book for the sixth time...in the last 30 minutes. Or it could come from a random colleague who wants to have lunch. Or from anywhere else. They could be opportunities that you know are important. They could be opportunities that you are not sure about. Because you have said "no," though, you have the freedom to say "yes" to whatever life sends your way.

"Yes" and "no" are both powerful words. Use them wisely, the results may well amaze you.

Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters

I just finished Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Meg Meeker (as an aside, I love starting and finishing a book so fast that it doesn't make it onto the sidebar list). I was pretty underwhelmed by the writing. It seemed a little random and disjointed, without a particularly coherent flow throughout.

That said, it still brought tears to my eyes a number of times. Not because of the powerful writing, but simply because she talks about the dangers my daughter will face as she grows up in the world. It made me want to lock her in her room and let her out when she's 25...maybe.

The book comes down to one message. A girl's dad is the primary force for good in her life, standing between her and the negative influence of the world (peers, media, her own emotions, etc.). Fathers abdicate that responsibility not at their own peril, but at hers.

Sobering stuff. I would recommend it to any dad with a daughter. The book is an excellent and humbling reminder of the power of fatherhood. I would also be curious to hear from women about the influence of your fathers. Does Meeker overplay a dad's importance? Or would you agree with her?

All knowledge is limited

I was in a class last week being taught by an expert. He is a professor at the University of Texas, has worked in his field for over 35 years, and has written a seminal textbook on the subject. In the accompanying electronic material, there was a scanned version of his slides from 20 years ago...when they actually were slides. He knows his stuff.

Then in the middle of the day, he made a remarkable statement. He said, "I don't know why..." What was remarkable about this statement is I knew exactly why. I could have given a 15 minute lecture on why, except that it seemed so basic and fundamental a concept to me that it should simply be given and not need any explanation.

I realized that this expert, who knows more than I ever will about his field, is missing basic knowledge about something closely related. Knowledge that I have. Thinking about this has led me to three conclusions.

1. I know more than I give myself credit for.
2. What seems obvious to me is not necessarily obvious to all.
3. Others' knowledge will always far exceed my own in most areas.

These observations apply to all of us, not just me. It should give us a healthy dose of confidence and humility. Remember that your knowledge is limited, and so is everyone else's, so always remember to share freely and listen gratefully.

Coming Home Late

Last night I came home late from work. About two hours later than usual. When I walked through the door, the kids were done with their baths, pajamas were on, and 2/3 were on their way toward bed. I hugged them, kissed, them, laid them down, and walked out of their room. Then it hit me.

I was five minutes away from not seeing two of my kids at all today.

If I had delayed leaving work just five minutes, if there had been just a little more traffic, then it would not have mattered to them if I was in Africa...our day would not have involved each other at all. It kind of scared me.

It turns out that I am more fortunate than I thought to get to see my kids for a couple hours every evening. For those of you who miss that involuntarily, I am so sorry. For those that miss it voluntarily, I pity you. You are missing out on the whole point of having kids...your kids.

When I get home tonight, there will be screaming. There will be laughing. There will be fighting and playing and lots of noise. Some nights it is all a little overwhelming. At least tonight, though, I am going to love it.

The Dancing Organization

We are currently reorganizing at work. This means we are taking a bunch of boxes with lines between them and making a different pattern. There is still hierarchy and a clear top-down structure. The bosses are still in charge and those below them do what they say. This is the traditional organization, the way it has always been done.

Watching the dance floor at a recent wedding made me realize, though, that there are other ways to organize. I am not sure how to put this into practice, but what if organizations were run more like dance parties? In essence...self-organizing chaos?

In this organization, there would not be bosses, there would be DJ's, providing the music that sets the mood and pace of the group. Context is defined, but not structure. The "music" taps into the shared psyche of the group, uniting and encouraging ongoing movement, but not dictating anything.

The individuals in a dancing organization would be free to improvise, but under the influence of others. Movement is initiated by some, and followed by most, with smaller groups forming and breaking up as needed. No consistent leader exists, but initiators come and go.

What do you think? Could a dancing organization exist? Would you want to work in one?

(Photo credit to Matt Andrews Photo)

The Effects of Success

Success leads to two things:

1. Momentum
2. Pressure

Success can lead to more success...momentum. Success also leads to the expectation for success...pressure. The chances of continued success are related to the balance between these two forces. Is there enough momentum to overcome the tendency to crack under pressure? Or will the pressure be too much and overwhelm the momentum?

I am tempted to look for a way to decouple the two, but I think that search would be in vain. We are better served by being aware of them and finding the right balance for our own lives. Would you disagree?

(Photo credit to MonteRosa83)

The Power of the Limit

I recently wrote that I am inspired by extremes. Part of the reason is that I am a pretty moderate guy and I admire those that are willing to put it all on the line. The bigger part of the reason, though, is what the extremes can teach us about living in the middle more effectively.

In engineering, we talk about solving a problem "at the limit." For example, given an equation to solve, we determine the solution if x = 0. Or we look at the solution if x = infinity. Those problems are almost always easier to solve, which is nice, but they also give the limits for the solution. That is, if x is anywhere between 0 and infinity (and it often is), then the solution lies between the two limit solutions as well. By looking at the limits, we learn about the middle.

The same applies in our lives. Tim Ferriss became famous a couple years ago with a book called The Four Hour Workweek. In it, he talks about extreme strategies for maintaining your job (that is, income) while working only four hours a week. This is a solution near the limit. It is extreme, and very few of us will ever be able to support our families on four hours a week of work. However, the book is still useful because it forces us to think about how to cut down on work so that more time is available for other things. Cutting a workweek from 50 hours to 40 hours is not extreme, but the extreme can help show you how to do it.

Other extremes that can get your mind going:

• What would my life look like if I were independently wealthy?
• How would I structure my day if I did not need to sleep at all?
• What would my priorities be if I knew I would live forever? If I knew I had 3 months?
• How could I plan a week-long vacation with a budget of $50?
• What would I do with 6 months of vacation every year?
• What would happen if I said "yes" to every request for a month? What about "no"?
  

By thinking about the extremes, it is amazing how the options open up in the middle. What extremes have you contemplated? How has that affected your life?

(Photo credit to Cristóbal Alvarado Minic. Bonus to those who can identify the equation without clicking on it.)

Relative Blessings

It snowed yesterday. In Houston. Real white stuff is accumulating on the grass and rooftops. This is not normal.

People are going crazy. Businesses and schools are closing, grown men are acting like kids on Christmas morning, and global warming skeptics are making bad jokes.

For us, right now, snow is an amazing thing. Yet for those of you living a few hundred miles north or a few thousand miles south, snow is just part of winter life. It is not particularly exciting (at least 0.5" of accumulation isn't) or noteworthy. If anything, it can be an annoyance.

Which brings me to my point. Blessings are relative. An event is special only in context. I am blessed not by what I receive, but by what I receive in contrast to what I was expecting.

What are you expecting this Christmas season? Are you setting yourself up to be blessed? Or are your expectations getting in the way of your blessings?

Merry Christmas, and Happy Snow Day to you all!

(Photo credit to zerind)

Coming home

I have been particularly enjoying one of the highlights of fatherhood this week. When I come in the door from work, I am greeted by my 18 month old daughter running to me with a giant grin on her face, laughing all the way. Whatever else happened that day at work, good or bad, is generally forgotten, at least for a few seconds.

Chaos generally reigns in our home, and sometimes it stresses us all out. Seeing a little girl run (well, toddle quickly) across the house, just because I came home...that somehow makes it all good.

The Freedom of Ritual

Rituals bring freedom.

That is not a statement you hear very often. The rituals I am talking about are not centuries-old religious formalities, though. These rituals are the ones that happen every day in our lives.

I learned this from my recent read of The Power of Full Engagement. They contrasted self-discipline with ritual. Self-discipline requires effort, rituals do not. Rituals simply happen. Brushing your teeth is a ritual. Bathing is a ritual. These are things that we (most of us) do automatically, without thinking. It takes no mental effort or energy.

Starting an exercise program, though, requires discipline. Dieting...discipline. Starting any habit takes discipline and enormous effort, which is why it is so hard and new habits often do not stick around long.

How to use this information, then? Stop trying to be disciplined and start building rituals. Be boring. Do the same thing, at the same time, every day. Make it a ritual, not a discipline, and the chances of it happening over the long haul go way up.

Of course, discipline will still be required initially, but you want to get through that phase as fast as possible. And the freedom? How does boring repetetive behavior lead to freedom? Simple: when you are doing the healthy baseline behaviors that you want to do (supporting your mind, body, and spirit), then all that energy is free to be used for anything else you want.

Rituals bring freedom. Do you buy it? Give it a try and let me know what you find.

What inspires me?

I recently posted about inspiration and I was not quite sure what inspired me. Having thought about that question for a week or so now, I have a couple answers.

1.  Extremity. I am inspired by people that take normal life and push it way beyond normal. Ultramarathon runners, mountain climbers, organization freaks, competitive eaters, and the like. My tendency is toward going with the flow and extreme people inspire me to push my boundaries a little bit, putting in the effort to get more out of life.
2. Contradiction. I am also inspired by people that embody contradictions. The humble billionaire, the Christian hedonist, the boxing pacifist. These folks are similar to the extremists in that they push outside the normal, breaking the boundaries of what is considered to be acceptable. They form a new reality from combining apparently antithetical positions. Again, I am inspired to push beyond my tendency to be lazy and embrace variety and contradiction.

 (Photo credit to Lapicero)

Deliberate Use of Time

Here's some meta-quoting for you that has me thinking. Scott Young quoting Gary Vaynerchunk responding to a reader asking how to find the time to do what you love:

You work your 9-5, go home, spend 2 hours with the family and then crush it from 7-2. Everyone has time, just stop watching fucking Lost.

Scott posted this a couple weeks ago, but after watching 6 straight episodes of Leverage on Netflix Saturday, I was reminded of it. I don't agree with Gary's specific time slots, but I also don't think the numbers are the point. The point is how we use our time, either deliberately or casually.

This is not my first post on this topic, but it is something that is easy to forget. With a little less sleep, a little more efficient shower, a little less TV, and a lot more intentionality, most of us have an hour or so that we can track down every day. What if I devoted that hour, every day, to doing something meaningful?

One hour today, seven hours this week, thirty hours this month, 350 hours this year.

What could I build? What could I learn? Whose life could I transform?

Leverage is a good show. But I'm not sure it's that good.